AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

YANBU. I would be furious if my DP invited anyone else on our family holiday without asking me first.

Because it’s a family holiday.

Omg
yes I know
I think it’s awful

maybe just reread the exchange before commenting

It’s very disrespectful especially since you’re the one really paying for the whole thing to go and arrange this without even asking first.

Have your raised your upset with him? Because if you’re just going to sit there and silently stew for two years about it then I’d say you’re also now being unreasonable in that you’ve got to at least give him a chance to rectify this? Surely he can say I’m really sorry I didn’t realise that my family just wanted it to be a bucket list trip together and adding others changes the dynamic. Or has he literally booked them on?

I would message his best friend and tell her you have planned this as a once in a lifetime trip for your family and your not happy husband has invited them.
If husband gets annoyed you can point out if he feels he can just invite people on a family holiday without discussion then you can uninvite them without discussion.

Does he have a habit of making unilateral decisions that affect the whole family…

He can go back and tell his friend that you are just going on this trip as a family. If he feels awkward or embarrassed about that, tough. It's his mess to clean up. Can't believe he thought he could just invite others along on your family holiday without discussing it. Brass neck of him .

Complete unacceptable of him not to discuss with you first. If you feel as strongly about it as you do (and I would too, in your position), then you need to tell him and get him to explain to his friends that they can’t come. Of course, he’ll hate doing that and losing face, but tough, hopefully he’ll learn to discuss important things with you in advance next time. I would have this conversation with your DH sooner rather than later. If you leave it, the other family might make bookings, pay deposits etc. Do it now while it’s just an idea.

I can see why he thought it would be fun to experience it with friends and the kids can entertain themselves etc to some degree….
but I’d be absolutely fucking furious that he’s done it without seeing how you feel about it first. Even if you change your mind I’d be telling him to uninvite them, let him sit in the discomfort for a while.

I’d be fuming that no discussion. We’ve been on group holidays before but generally discussed between us first.

Just noticed my error - soz!

I would tell him absolutely not, that he needs to tell her he made a mistake before she puts any money down.

It’s not ok to move the goalposts with no discussion after you’d committed yourself by paying the deposit.

I’d also wonder why it’s important for him that he feels she should be included on this once in a lifetime family holiday!

I’d be furious. It’s outrageous that he didn't discuss it with you first especially given you are the main breadwinner and will be busting a gut to pay for it. Also you will have to take them into consideration on holiday instead of just doing what you want. A short break
with them may be fine but a longer trip will have the chance for irritation to set in. How close is your husband to his (female) best friend ? What’s your marriage like generally does he always need the diversion of other people as opposed to spending intense time with just you and the kids. People I know like this are generally not happy in their marriages. Have you asked him why he chose to invite them ? As you are paying you could call the shots and say you are treating him and the kids and do not want anyone else to come , explain how you feel, you want quality time with just him and the kids so regrettably he will have to retract his invitation. See how he reacts.

I would be absolutely fuming. Even if he does uninvite her gracefully (without throwing a strop) it’s kind of taken the shine off it.

Personally I’d tell him that he can do all the planning for the trip as he clearly wants to take over… but I’m petty like that.

We regularly take big, once in a lifetime style holidays with another couple rather than alone, so have no issues with joint hols, but I’d feel the same way in your circumstances. Unilaterally changing the dynamic of a really special family event is awful.

You certainly aren’t ungrateful about being upset that a holiday you are predominantly paying for has been changed so drastically without your input!! You are allowed to be upset and angry Op. He can see holidays differently and that’s fine. He can’t just change things to suit himself with no consultation. It’s his behaviour that’s the issue. Not the principle of wanting a joint holiday.

You need to tell him how you feel and not let him brush your opinions aside. He is not the only person in the family who has opinions that matter

If you only take yourself and the kids you won't have to save so much 😇

He's got two years to tell them he got the wrong end of the stick and uninvite them

I am actually viscerally angry about this and I don't even know you! This is so, so wrong. I can't believe anyone would do this without running it past their partner first, boggles the mind. Adding in the fact that you are actually funding it, it's your idea, and you were very clear about how excited you were about it just compounds the disrespect.

My husband and I don't even invite people round to ours without checking with the other person first so this would never, ever happen. Please use your voice and tell him that you're terribly hurt. Best case scenario he was just thoughtless, not deliberately being disrespectful.

I do think it's better to go with others if you have kids. Siblings often squabble on long holidays, and having other kids makes things much better, and if you're the type of person who thinks men and women should do separate things, then you'll be able to have "girl time" with her. Plus you might get some couples time, if you and the other couple are willing to babysit so each of you gets some date nights. So all in all, unless there's something you've not mentioned, it sounds better this way. But if I were him, I'd have discussed it first.

@SleepySquirre1 does your DH actually know the details of the holiday to pass on?

Stand your ground; tell him you’ll not be giving over the holiday details for anyone to book to join you guys. He’ll just have to un-tell his friend that they can come, he made a mistake and that this particular holiday is for the 4 of you only.

Big affair red flags waving here

Did you actually communicate with him and tell him how it’s making you feel? Does he usually make big decisions without consulting you?
I’d have told him point blank there and then that it wasn’t happening.

Irrespective, it's outrageous to not agree it with your spouse first

This. I'd be fuming.

Ask him how HE is paying for the holiday. Given that he's hijacked it.