AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

What a total lack of consideration and disrespect towards you and your family. Since this is no longer a trip of a lifetime and has become a regular holiday with friends I’d ask him to step up to the plate and pay 50% of all costs. Don’t let him use you as a cash cow and disrespect you like this.

YANBU.
You aren’t having to pay for them surely ?
I would say he has to say they cannot come or no holiday.

I had this once. The holiday was awful.

I wouldn't make a lot of sacrifices for a holiday that you're no longer 100 per cent thrilled about. Maybe you could switch the deposit to a different holiday, and invest less emotionally in holidays in future? You and your DH obviously aren't on the same page about them so it's never going to work out the way you hope.

absolutely agree with this - very upset and annoyed!

I'd be interested to hear how spending time with them as a family works. Do you and her dh tend to the dc while the Besties spend time together? Are you all friends or you and her dh just 'add ons' ? His decision making seems like you are a third wheel in your own marriage..

So many posts mine doesn’t really matter as it’s all been said but just wanted to say that I am totally shocked by your post. Your husband is breathtakingly out of order and I hope you are able to find the strength to deal with the situation. I really feel for you OP.

I am surprised that you don't seem very bothered that he didn’t discuss it with you before asking his pal on a holiday that you’re paying for. Is this the usual dynamic?

Oh OP. Please don't roll over and allow this special trip to be hijacked. The kids may well have a great time with friends but there's plenty of other future holidays for that. This should be a core family memory which is more important.

If you accept this you're telling him he doesn't need to consult you or consider your feelings.

He has totally messed up by not discussing it with you. Have that discussion now and put your point of view across. He then has to sort it out with HIS friend.

Personally, I would be beyond angry. I would be making plans to leave and sorting my money out fast with solicitor involved tomorrow.

I would be approaching the other family and saying there was a miscommunication and that you want to take the trip alone.

It is HIS to sort not OP's.

I can see his side in the sense that it might be fun to share this big holiday with close friends.

Regardless, though, he should have asked if OP was ok with it before inviting other people on their holiday.

I would be furious and very hurt at this. I am likely to throw my toys out of my pram and either not go or make him pay for it as it’s now his holiday.

He simply put her before you.

Really doubt that! The husband has clearly arranged the trip with his best friend (the other wife) as his Nr1 priority. He's not going to do anything that might jeopardise her not coming. Imagine a thread that said "AIBU to be annoyed that my best friend changed the date of our dream holiday without telling me?"

I think you’ve missed the point, other people can be around but it’s my core family that I’m spending time with and building memories with. Having my wife’s best friend there means she will have someone else she wants to spend time with, my kids will be off playing with their friends. We will need to agree plans with another family about what we do or don’t do. Having other strangers there, who you may be social with is completely different to having a close family friend there. She doesn’t think it’s just going to be the four of them, but in 20 years her kids aren’t going to be remembering Bob and sue from the safari, they will just remember that family holiday they took. Having another family there will completely change the dynamic and memories

Op, ignore these horrible posts. Clearly rhe poster can only relate to their own sphere of reference, ie their own relationships, or they just want to stick the boot in. There is nothing to suggest what this poster has horribly said.

He's trained you well to shut up and put up with his wants and desires over you and your needs/wants hasn't he.

And she'll be working hard to pay for it, on top. He's got it made. Wanker.

The wife of the couple is his best friend?

Even if it was the husband I would refuse this arrangement. This is supposed to be a once in a lifetime family holiday making family memories, not him having a great holiday with his best mate while his kids are occupied with her kids and you and her husband are hangers on.

It would be a firm no to working hard to pay for that from me.

god what’s going on in here, these responses are Awful

I would feel very aggrieved about this. You know your husband didn't consider your feelings for a single second, don't you? And you're paying the lion's share? Tell him "NO" right away (before his friend makes a booking and presents you with a fait accompli).

He’s a manipulator and this is probably the first time you’ve noticed it fully.
He’s very dismissive of your feelings and opinions too.
He really doesn’t sound great tbh!
You need a full and frank discussion and don’t let him gaslight you.
I would feel very upset too.

That's an awful, dismissive response. He clearly knew you weren't going to be happy but done it anyway? It would ruin it for me too

After seeing your latest post, OP, and how he basically dismissed your obvious lack of enthusiasm, I'd be putting my foot down with all the weight I could muster. NO. He doesn't get to call the shots. This wasn't his decision to make. I'd honestly rather cancel the trip altogether (and reschedule for another time) than let him get away with this. He knew you weren't happy, and his first reaction was to chide you for not being thrilled that he'd decided to change the dynamics of the entire holiday without even running it by you first. He doesn't sound like a considerate life partner. He should care a heck of a lot more about how you're feeling than he seems to do.

In that case it would be worse with other family as their kids are much younger. Youngest kids are usually impatient.