AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

It's incredibly self centred of him. I would bepissed off. My partner would be pissed off if I did that too! Does he do things like that regularly?

You need to let him know, without apologies and dumbing down your feelings, that whilst you can see that inviting them was a win-win for him and possibly the kids, the truth is that for you the shine has gone off the whole idea, you are no longer looking forward to it and wouldn't be upset if the whole thing was cancelled.

They were YOUR WORDS. You clearly felt them to write them here and you do not owe him the swallowing of those emotions so he doesn't feel bad about getting what he wants.

FFS, he's expecting you to cut back/save and work extra hours for a holiday you're now not looking forward to!

Speak up for yourself, OP.

He's taken the absolute piss and he needs telling that very clearly.

his "best friend" is the woman? I mean yeah men and women can be friends and by me it would be bloody infuriating whatever the gender of the BF but.....his bestie is the woman? okayyyyyyyyyyyy

From his initial reaction, I'm guessing he's not going to be awfully apologetic.

if that is the case, i'd send him this thread.

The vipers will make things quite clear!

I’d have gone ballistic.

There’s still time, you can too.
Tell him how you feel, his actions are disgraceful. You should rebook the trip for another date.

My immediate thought was an affair tbh. Very odd thing to do otherwise, without discussion.

Are you aware of the different relationship between complete strangers and people who are on holiday with you - you get a lot less personal space with the latter!

This, OP.

Please just look him in the eyes and tell him you aren't paying for it.

Make no mistake he's invited the other kids to act as babysitters for yours and his best friend so he can share his once in a lifetime holiday with his best friend, who is clearly not his wife.

From his perspective, this probably felt like a win-win situation — amazing holiday plus getting to share it with people he loves spending time with.

All about him - so he should be the one paying - tell him he has made it his own - you aren't as interested anymore and give him the payment schedule

It can sometimes be an indication of trouble in a relationship if one partner invites others to join them for partner or family occasions. Do you think that your relationship with your DH is solid? Or is there any distance or tension in the relationship? It doesn't necessarily mean he is attracted to his friend (though it doesn't necessarily not mean that either). But avoiding an extended holiday with just you and the children at close quarters could be a sign of something larger.

In your shoes I would definitely talk to him about your disappointment and ask him to communicate to his friend that this holiday will be for just you and the family. And also have a heart-to-heart conversation about the state of your marriage.

Ouf. My DH pulled something similar 10 years ago and I still resent him for it- it was our last trip before getting pregnant and last opportunity to do as we like; instead had to pander to another couple. Haven’t forgiven that to this day.

Realistically, I doubt he would uninvite them even if I asked, because neither of us would want to damage the long lasting friendship over this.

I think this is a pretty groundshaking thing to think about your DH, OP. That he would protect his friendship over his marriage. Do you really believe that if you kicked up a fuss (and I'm not suggesting that is the best thing to do, but hypothetically) he would actually refuse to put you first? Because if so, how can you really trust him? He made an invitation he should never have made without discussing with you first and you think he would risk his relationship with you over his relationship with his friend. I think a relationship like that is inappropriate - not because of the "is she just a friend angle", but because regardless of their sexes and sexualities, that is a loyalty that puts a strain on your marriage.

In terms of the holiday - I can understand how kids might prefer to have other kids with them. But I also think it detracts to some extent from reinforcing the family bonds that you want from a holiday like this. Do you think a compromise where they join you for the second half (and can stay on for their own second half) would satisfy you both, and your DC?

How much younger are their dc? Would they even enjoy a safari? Isn't nature gruesome at times?

I honestly think he didn’t even consider you at all.

Please ask him how it came about. Did he think of it? OR did he tell friend about the trip and she invited herself? If she invited herself then she is his priority because he didn’t even think about you - or worse he did and decided she was more important.

Id be tempted to cut my losses and cancel, seriously. You won’t enjoy it.

Agree with all of this! I love lots of my friends and their kids but I would still want to keep a trip like this just the 4 of my immediate family. It’s an amazing experience to bond over.

Does he know you don’t like the idea of holidays with friends? My husband grew up always going on holidays with his parents friends and their children and I’ve never known my in laws go away just them so he’d possibly be inclined that way too but he knows it’s definitely not for me as I’ve made very clear and so would never invite friends like that. We’ve done center parcs for a weekend with pals and that’s good but he knows I don’t want to share our main holiday.

You should absolutely tell him how disappointed you are, and that he should pay for the holiday, because it's a different holiday now isn't it, it's the holiday he wants, not the one you agreed to, and he changed his mind without consulting you, so you can't spend two years of your life slogging your guts out to pay for his holiday.

I don’t think he sees it as a once in a lifetime experience just a luxury holiday

see I think "Don't look like that" means that he knew or at least suspected that you would not be happy with his "great idea" "Are you ok" "what's the matter" says to me that he might have genuinely thought you'd be pleased (well not really but I am being kind) or at least that he hadn't thought about your feelings, which is also bad........but "Don't look like that" he knew.....he bloody knew.

I see why you say that, but he isn't going to fix it, is he?

So OP can contact these friends directly and explain to them that this was a huge misunderstanding* or she can let the arrangement stand and have the trip of a lifetime poisoned and years of resentment while she saves up for a trip she no longer wants.

I'm camp emotional-attachment here - he wants this woman friend on the trip because he has feelings for her.

• and won't it be interesting to see how DH responds to that move! At least the OP has her line ready - don't look like that!

I concur.

gets my vote

Going with people you know is not comparable to being in a resort with other guests. You're obliged to make plans with and interact with people you know who come on holiday with you, you'll be expected to make compromises on where you go at what time and feel obliged to be in social mode. The dynamics of this are very different when it's just your own immediate family.

Let's flip the script for a minute and consider which man would be okay with a situation where-

• he was largely financing the holiday through his hard-earned money
• his wife invited her (male) best friend and his entire family of four without any discussion whatsoever or any clue that this was going to happen

I think we would be waiting a very long time to find a man who would be okay with this.

I wouldn't go. Why work hard and make sacrifices for something that feels tainted and ruined all because another stupid man "didn't think". Plan some other lovely thing with your children or get your daft husband to un-invite them. But I wouldn't just go along with this nonsense.