AIBU to feel disappointed my husband invited friends on our “trip of a lifetime”?

[SleepySquirre1]

Recently paid the deposit for what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime family holiday to Kenya for a safari. Our two kids are absolutely animal obsessed and honestly so am I, so this has been a dream of ours for years.

It’s going to involve a LOT of saving, sacrifices and cutbacks over the next year or two. I’m the main breadwinner and I know I’ll be working incredibly hard to make it happen, so in my head this trip became this really special “core family memories” holiday for the four of us.

Last night my husband announced the “good news” that he’d invited his best friend, her husband and their children to come too, and they’re apparently joining us. Their children are slightly younger than ours but they all get on really well. For context, I genuinely really like them, they are good fun and we’ve had lovely shorter breaks together before.

I think part of what has upset me is that there was absolutely no discussion with me beforehand. It was presented as a done deal rather than something we decided together, which has made me feel a bit blindsided if I’m honest.

But instead of feeling excited, I just felt… flat. Sad, almost. I think because in my mind this was meant to be something really special for our little family. I love spending time with just my husband and with my husband and kids, whereas he’s much more of a “the more the merrier” type person.

And now I feel awful even admitting this, but some of the excitement has gone out of it for me to the point where part of me almost wouldn’t mind if the holiday didn’t happen at all. Which sounds dramatic considering it’s going to be such an amazing trip.

I know we’ll still have a lovely time and I know I sound ungrateful. But part of me feels disappointed that these big memories the kids look back on won’t just be ours.

AIBU to feel upset by this? Or am I being unfair because he just sees holidays differently to me?

@SleepySquirre1 - in one of your earlier posts you said that you regularly adjust your thinking and see things from his perspective, and that this approach has helped you “let things go in the past”.

Your husband now dismissing your evident displeasure with a curt “oh don’t look like that” further suggests that he routinely prioritises his own needs and interests over yours. He doesn’t value your feelings as long as he gets what he wants.

This is not good. It seems something in your relationship is deeply unhealthy.

Given the rest of your post, though, you also seem to be suggesting that OP shouldn't mind their friends joining?

If the deposit is refundable, I'd get it back, re-book the week after and not tell anyone. Then you'd still get the holiday that you wanted and you could just pretend it was a mix up somewhere.

I would follow his lead and without talking to him first, call his friend to nicely explain you hadn’t been asked, you like her and her family very much and you hope she will understand but on this occasion you don’t want to share your holiday with them so they can’t come.

SHe is likely to understand but even if she doesn’t, there’s no way they can join you on the holiday knowing you don’t want them there. He will probably be angry despite having done the same thing. It will be scorchingly embarrassing for him so he will unlikely to forget your feelings and opinions are as important as his in the future

Having done a family holiday on Africa, it is definitely better with other families. Kids happier and everyone gets time out. Would you rather go with a family you know or be paired with an unknown family.

however I would have issue that he didn’t discuss it with me first.

But money in a marriage is JOINT money. By law.

No, it isn't. It becomes a 'matrimonial asset' for the purposes of a divorce settlement, but money isn't automatically joint money by law while you're married, unless it's in a joint bank account.

If your salary is paid into your own, single bank account, your spouse doesn't own that money simply because they're married to you.They might have a right to some of it in a divorce, but it's not joint money by law while you're married.

When I ask my friends about their holiday plans, at no point do I invite myself along to any of their holidays with my family. If a friend said they were going camping up the road, you would still wait to be invited along. Doubtful she invited herself and family onto another family’s dream holiday.

I’d be far more suspicious of him wanting his ‘best friend’ there. I find the term ‘best friend’ as an adult male/female very bizarre. My DH is my best friend because I can talk to him about anything and everything and he knows me better than anyone. I think the majority of couples would say their partners do not have a ‘best friend’ from the opposite sex.

When we went on Safari it wasn't like that at all! It was just us and a Guide/driver and we ate our meals as a family in the hotel.

‘I know my husband wouldn’t want to deliberately upset me’
He has deliberately upset you, shut down the conversation when he saw your reaction and is completely ignoring your feelings because he doesn’t care if his actions upset you or not!

How great is the friendship with this couple really if it can't survive slight discomfort at a mistake?

The "don't look like that" comment really rings alarm bells for me too. (I appreciate those weren't his exact words.)

ha ha - brutal

It's personal choice, I see lots of positive points to it. But I do agree that DH should have consulted her.

What's the point of consulting if you've already decided that it's reasonable and will be better? Consulting that doesn't change the outcome is notifying.

Pretty wild that you totally ignore the reasons the OP said that this would make a difference to her...

Has she actually booked? He’s only just announced it, I doubt they will have booked it already so he needs to ring and say he’s really sorry but having thought it through the safari is just going to be a family holiday and they will plan something as a group another time.

He was wrong to not discuss it with you

but if you like them and kids get on surely a win win

I wonder what her hubby thinks of it all…it’s a lot of money to spend !
Don’t do it OP get him to tell her to forget it.
I’d be fuming, you are being far too passive that he did it with no prior discussion.

Might depend on if the same person gets to do the chidcare!

OP, I couldn't let this go. They have to be un-invited.

Is be gutt d too. We've a friend who does this. He invites people in a holiday he's planned with his wife. To us it feels like being away with just his wife is not enough for him. He's also invited another couple more than once. A couple where it was rumoured he and she had a fling. If not true, he certainly likes he attention and she his.

How friendly is your DH with his friend's dh? It is a bit odd that he's still very close friends with a female friend when he is married with children - unless he is now more close with the DH.

I'd also be annoyed because when we've gone away with another family, we've hardly spent time with our kids as they are entertained by the other children and we are preoccupied with the other adults. When we're away just the 4 of us, it's a very different experience and I can understand why you would want that on a very special type holiday.

Absolutely this….

"... If husband gets annoyed you can point out if he feels he can just invite people on a family holiday without discussion then you can uninvite them without discussion."

I like your style.

Good argument!

A new husband, perhaps?

Come on OP, you're allowed to have an opinion on your own life. Does he dictate everything? Let him be upset, let him get angry if he doesn't like the type of holiday you propose. But his feelings are on him, not you. Have the holiday you want. You don't have to just roll over because he's made a blanket decision that affects you all.

Selfish, it's not just his trip. Tell him to sort it out and not be such an arsehole.

Your husband now dismissing your evident displeasure with a curt “oh don’t look like that” further suggests that he routinely prioritises his own needs and interests over yours. He doesn’t value your feelings as long as he gets what he wants.

This.