AIBU to resent being left with all childcare and housework?

[Kriszoee]

By reading the title I’m sure you will all jump to say “no, that is not fair!”, but my partner has made me believe that because of how much he work( 40 hours per week, 5pm - 1am ) it is my job to take full responsibility for the house and the baby, who was his initial idea. (9 months ).
I want some insight on how right (or wrong) his values are, as I am starting to resent everything.
My partner (M28 ) works 40 hours week, usually 5 or 7 days in a row, with one day off. The housework and baby is my full responsibility, he won’t change her as he doesn’t like the smell, won’t feed her without complaint, doesn’t really play with her, won’t pick up the dog poo or walk the dog as he “ isn’t his dog “, won’t do the washing, won’t unload the dishwasher, doesn’t cook etc.. before we goes to work, he plays his PlayStation and washes her bottles. He sleeps 1:30 - 10am, then doesn’t get out of bed until almost 11. I am up at 5am every day with the baby, and I am utterly exhausted. He turns this into an argument as I shouldn’t be tired as I “ just stay home with her “.
Because he works; he says that he is too tired to do ANYTHING or go anywhere on the days he works, which means we don’t do anything unless he is off, but when he is off, it’s hit or miss if we do anything.
Ultimately, I feel like the default parent.
I have to ask multiple times to even get some bins out or some dishes unloaded from time to time but it causes an argument, and any time he is with our little girl he is honestly just on his phone watching videos or complaining about how exhausted he is.
I find I am really struggling having to do everything myself and honestly I feel like a single parent with his absence and the lack of support within the home or relationship.
I have voiced my opinions every time but I always get the same responses of “I work”, or “you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.
I know even by writing this that it doesn’t seem fair but he genuinely can’t see past his reasoning.
How fair do you think this is and what can I do

What you can do is start making a plan to leave this man. You may as well be an actual single parent rather than beg him for support. My DH also worked long hours in my year of maternity leave. He couldn't wait to get home and take over and play with the baby and do everything as he felt he was missing out. You shouldn't expect anything less.

He isn't interested in your child which your DC will notice in time. He isn't interested in you which means your relationship is over. This isn't a healthy home environment for you or or DC.

It is not fair and I think you need to get rid of him and find someone else. Usually for a partner who is being lazy I might suggest leaving them to look after the baby for a whole weekend so they realise how much you do. His absolute lack of engagement with her makes me feel this wouldn't be a safe option for your dd.

How equal was the split of labour before your baby was born? I think it's very challenging to fight this battle if it's clearly established before kids come along.

Is there a plan for you to go back to work soon? What would he say then about the split of work? Until it came to a head recently I’ve always felt an unfair balance in our house (and we both work full time) but DH would still do things when asked and would always help do things for the children. To say he is too tired is a joke - work as a stay at home is still hard and tiring and can’t be dismissed just because it isn’t earning money.

You are not a single parent otherwise you’d be working, parenting and paying the bills with no one to talk to.

He should however be helping out more when he is up rather than playing on his PlayStation.

Yet another waste of space man pretending he actually wanted a child, until reality hits. Get rid of him. He won’t change. He is a total loser. Stop putting up with it.

His next day off go out for the day/night and he can look after the baby at home cos it's so easy

I worked full time while my DH stayed at home with DC. DH did do the lion's share of the housework but I was fully involved when I was home. I wanted to spend time with DC and I certainly wouldn't have wanted to watch my DH being ground down while I sat on my backside doing my own thing. You deserve much better.

It’s not remotely fair, and you can deal with it by ending this relationship. He isn’t a decent man. He’s selfish, lazy, a misogynist and a thoroughly crap parent. Being in a relationship like this is much much harder than being a single parent.

Ask him is it tiring and hard looking after the baby? Because that is his excuse for not doing it yet when you do it all day every day without a break you have it easy, make it make sense!

So would he, where as currently hes doing less than a single childless man.

OP, hes a sexist pig who thinks having a baby means less work for him. You won't change his opinion on this because it suits him to do fuck all.

I hope you're planning to go back to work and not rely financially on a man you aren't married to?

When you didn't have a baby, what did he do?

Because if he was single he would have do do his own laundry cooking, cleaning etc.

I think you've just got a wrongun and it isn't worth working on imo because he's a sexist pig with sexist pig values. Don't waste your life fighting it.

Don't do that. It sounds as though he would not be able to keep her safe or happy, which is more important than making a point, however valid that point might be.
Do you want to stay with this man?
He clearly has no wishes to be a family man. You would probably be better off without him.

Can you return to work, sort childcare and start getting finances sorted to separate. He won’t change.

What is the situation with the accommodation? Can you get him out?

How fair do you think this is and what can I do

It is not fair and you know this. As to what you can do, you only have two options. Suck it up and accept this life for the next fifty years or start making plans to leave. That is it.

And he didn't want a baby. He wanted you at home with a baby, because this doing fuck all with a family man status is what he always wanted.

This

I work and my DH stays at home. He does most of the housework and does the cooking during the week. I do the cooking at the weekend and we share any other weekend chores. I make the kids’ packed lunches, and when they were little we shared bedtimes. I’m also the one who manages all the school stuff. I wanted to do stuff because I wanted to be involved with my children. I know my DH found it quite lonely in the early years, so we always made an effort to do stuff at the weekends.

Your partner is being controlling and nasty. I am not the type to say ‘leave him’ lightly, but I honestly think you’d be better off without him. Have you family/friends who will support you? I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.

I’d stop doing his washing or his cooking. Can you move into a separate bedroom and leave him to stew in his own juices?

So how much did he contribute before you conceived?

I think it's fair that the non working parent does the majority of household chores and childcare. However, when your DH is home, he should be fully involved in taking care of his child, playing, nappy changes, bath & bedtime. He should also do some chores such as emptying dishwasher, putting bins out, general tidying, putting away laundry etc. You're not his slave! Tell him if he doesn't start pulling his weight, this relationship isn't going to go the distance.

What did he do before you had the baby?
If he didn't do any washing or cleaning or anything then why did you expect he'd suddenly change when a baby turned up?

If he did, why has he changed? As pps pointed out, before you got together he would still have been doing some minimal housework just to keep himself alive and vaguely clean so its just laziness not doing anything at all now.

Do you get SMP or anything? Presumabky CB is paid to you if you arent married? Working on his "logic" you could say that you bring in money to the house AND do all the housework AND look after the baby, he is only doing 1 of those things.

Or say "you are tired from only doing 8 hours of work a day, I am working non stop 18 hours a day". If he says the housework and baby aren't "real" work then say "well why cant you help out then if its so easy?"

But realistically, he's not going to change. You have to work out if what he does bring to the table is overall better than being single would be. If you do leave make sure you get evidence of his pay etc because he sounds like the type to try and weasel out of paying CM too.

Do a list
What does he bring to the house/relationship?
Clean the house. - no
Change baby? No
Cook meals no
Help clean the house. No
Help look after baby. No
Help cook meals. No
Engage in meaningful conversation with you no
Make you feel loved
Make you feel a person
Engage with his child

And on the plus side is his pay HIS for play of joint shared?

I think I know the answer.
"I said go, walk out the door, don't turnaround boy, you're not welcome anymore - I've got all my life to live...."

My main concern is that it will be so much harder on my own, with working full time on top. His family are 400 miles away, he’d go back with them and still expect to see my daughter. He told me he would expect me to let her go there, at 9 months old, on her own. I said not a chance. I just hate this situation with a passion.

Looking after a 9-month-old all day, every day, is work too, and being constantly dismissed with “you just stay home and relax” would makes me feel so resentful. The biggest issue for me isn’t even the chores — it’s the lack of engagement as a partner and parent. A healthy relationship shouldn’t leave one person carrying the entire physical and mental load while the other opts out because they “have a job”, but the thinks otherwise and nothing will change his mind.

I did ponder on this idea, however came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her with him for any extended period of time as I worry he would just sit on his phone and ignore her.

Throughout the whole relationship, and up until she was around 5 months old the split was very 50/50. Before she was conceived, we both worked 70+ hour weeks in a very high pressured, high security role. He would hoover/mop and I would clean, we’d split the cooking, I’d do the washing, he’d walk the dog, he’d do the dishes, I’d put the food shop away etc. It was very balanced, but now he thinks he’s too tired to do anything and deserves time for himself.

I wanted to go back to work months ago. He wasn’t a fan of the idea at all. I’m going to have to look for a new job, as my longterm career will be far too much of a burden with this on top. It was a very high pressure, high security role and frankly quite dangerous at times. I wouldn’t want to do it with having a young baby.

I agree. I feel as though my feelings have been dismissed. He has said several times that I have jt easy and that it’s a “ doss “ to stay home and look after her.