AIBU to resent being left with all childcare and housework?

[Kriszoee]

By reading the title I’m sure you will all jump to say “no, that is not fair!”, but my partner has made me believe that because of how much he work( 40 hours per week, 5pm - 1am ) it is my job to take full responsibility for the house and the baby, who was his initial idea. (9 months ).
I want some insight on how right (or wrong) his values are, as I am starting to resent everything.
My partner (M28 ) works 40 hours week, usually 5 or 7 days in a row, with one day off. The housework and baby is my full responsibility, he won’t change her as he doesn’t like the smell, won’t feed her without complaint, doesn’t really play with her, won’t pick up the dog poo or walk the dog as he “ isn’t his dog “, won’t do the washing, won’t unload the dishwasher, doesn’t cook etc.. before we goes to work, he plays his PlayStation and washes her bottles. He sleeps 1:30 - 10am, then doesn’t get out of bed until almost 11. I am up at 5am every day with the baby, and I am utterly exhausted. He turns this into an argument as I shouldn’t be tired as I “ just stay home with her “.
Because he works; he says that he is too tired to do ANYTHING or go anywhere on the days he works, which means we don’t do anything unless he is off, but when he is off, it’s hit or miss if we do anything.
Ultimately, I feel like the default parent.
I have to ask multiple times to even get some bins out or some dishes unloaded from time to time but it causes an argument, and any time he is with our little girl he is honestly just on his phone watching videos or complaining about how exhausted he is.
I find I am really struggling having to do everything myself and honestly I feel like a single parent with his absence and the lack of support within the home or relationship.
I have voiced my opinions every time but I always get the same responses of “I work”, or “you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.
I know even by writing this that it doesn’t seem fair but he genuinely can’t see past his reasoning.
How fair do you think this is and what can I do

My father was exactly the same as this bloke-he went to work while my mother stayed at home with 4 (!) of us (last two where twins)

He refused to do housework/childcare as 'its not my job'

Granted he did do 12 hour shift work and paid for everything but my mother was burnt out and resentful

She should have carried on with her career (I guess that wasnt as easy in the 80's but if id been born today she would have gone back full time) and have him do half and half (he would have done if forced)

She did get work hours around us when we got to school age but he still refused to pick up any slack

This isnt the 80's (nor the 50's)

He needs to pull his weight or split up

I remember my ex trying to pull the same stunt when dc where much younger so I finished it-he wailed that he didnt see it coming but he did

I was resentful that he got to piss off and swan about with no responsibility but it was so much easier that doing it all while he slumped,slack jawed on the sofa

It brought a peace with it

I'm confused OP, I thought you were already doing everything? In which case the only thing that will happen is you will lose the anger and resentment if he leaves.

Remind me again of what he brings to the relationship?

Unfortunately, you are where you are and he is the person he is. I'd definitely start making a plan to leave. It's not the future you imagined, but better than staying with someone so awful.

She’s responding to some posts about the reality of being a single parent - someone posted it and I commented on that.

I 100% think she should LTB and that life will be better as a single parent, but it is always worth having open eyes as to the fact you of course have all the financial worries on top
when you are a SP.

What is the point of him? Leave and your life will.actually get easier as you won't have to pick up after him or listen to his selfish attitude all day.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing
I understood that but I was responding to OP being worried about doing everything. She already is, and she needs to realise that so it's no longer a fear.

As to finances she needs to look on entitled to to see if she'll get any help, along with single person council tax reduction and claiming CMS. Although he might end up being a total waster with no job just because he can (and it gives him more PS time).

He can't force you to leave and move. Especially not if you find a job first and get her enrolled at a nursery. Then it would be him leaving and that would be on him. So he could never claim 50/50 because that wouldn't work for him living far away.

I have three children, work full time and sort all childcare. The peace I feel knowing that I left my baby man ex husband who was exactly like this is worth it five fold.

This sounds incredibly similar to my DP minus the PlayStation and I work 3 days a week myself. He also has the cheek to say I don’t do enough 😅 but I have a whole other thread going at the moment as I’m considering leaving him.

Im sorry you’re going through this. We have two children and it’s only gotten worse to be honest. He is a fantastic provider and earns great money, but doesn’t do much else at all. He would like to think he does though.

It breaks you down eventually.

I’m sorry to jump on this, but how do you manage to eventually leave him?? It’s such a daunting thought when it comes to breaking up the family and also the financial side of things.
I’m so glad you’re happier now. How did your DCs take it?

I'd be RAGING if my DH had said that to me when my DC were babies 🤬 make a list of everything you do all day whist you're home with your DD. What time you get up etc. Childcare is exhausting and undervalued and unpaid labour. It IS a valuable job and society at large is quite happy to think SAHP are dossing around all day. I bet you're on the go all day - it's a 24/7 job after all - I imagine you don't get a proper lunchbreak/time to relax for 30 minutes without running around after your DD. Your DH is being a complete knob tbh.

“The divorce (or split up if not married) came out of nowhere!”

His life hasn’t changed since the baby was born has it? And it won’t.

Make plans to leave or make him leave and get support elsewhere. If he has child contact at least you’ll get a break then and he’ll have to step up won’t he?!

I know you’re not addressing me but I had to take him to court. Whilst still living with him. To get my share of the equity out of the house and leave.

It was an absolute nightmare but absolutely worth it.

Sorry - he's sitting on his arse watching you make his dinner for him so he can take it to work? but baby is in the highchair at this point as he still can't be arsed to actually play with his daughter? 🙄🙄 what a prince. He can make his own effing food. just cook for yourself later or, better still, batch cook stuff and freeze it.

Did he do his fair share around the house before you had a baby?
if not, then why did you expect it to change when you had a baby with him?

I'm just about done with having sympathy with people that choose these men. You chose this person to be your baby's dad!! The only dad they'll have and they're shit. Winds me up.

Please read the thread.
he did plenty before she was born, and up until she was around 5 months old. I saw none of this coming

His life hasn’t changed since the baby was born has it?
It has.
He has gone from living with a spouse to living with a mother.
He has gone from a two income household to a single income one.
He probably thinks maternity leave is watching telly eating biscuits all day while the baby sleeps while Mr Manly slaves away at work to provide.
There's probably resentment there too.

@OnlyHasEyesForLoki

Yes - you absolutely read that right. It is shocking to say out loud😟

Sorry, I meant doing everything I already have to do + being solely responsible for bringing in income

I have. I would need to find part time work( around 16 hours to begin ) along with the amount I’d be entitled to, to be comfortable and afford everything. I couldn’t manage returning to my longterm career. The stress & demand of it, albeit the salary being extremely good, wouldn’t be worth it with a small person to bring up alone.

First thought: lazy sod, get rid

Second thought: affair?

Third thought: after reading your updates, it sounds like he’s having some sort of nervous breakdown. Decent men don’t have complete personality changes in a few months for no reason. I’d approach this as an illness. As you get on with his parents, explain everything to them. He doesn’t get to hide behind his pride and not take anti-depressants when you are drowning.
If the parent angle doesn’t work, talk to his friends. Go with “I’m so worried about DP, he isn’t engaging with the baby, he is exhausted after working a very normal week, I think he’s really ill, please can you talk to him as he won’t open up to me.”
Be aggressively concerned about him. He can’t be dismissive or get angry with you for being worried that he’s acting completely out of character. Make it clear he has a BIG problem because no normally functioning adult behaves this way.

Then get him drugs and therapy.

If that doesn’t work, pack him in. Life’s too short.

What I'm about to say isn't going to sit well with anybody. But my view is that ' helpful " men are as rare as Hens teeth. Women function as secular entity's all the while living in a fantasy that hes helping. Admittedly they're helping by just being there because of LOVE. To find a solution to the immediate problem would be to give Mum a day off. This is what's UNFAIR, in that HE S got more control over his personal choices than O.P. BUT that is a new mums dilemma and always HAS BEEN like that. MUM needs a mothers Helper for one day per week, that's my opinion. Both are navigating profound life changes and TIME to adjust will improve everything

Plan your escape it won't get better

The word 'help' is part of the problem. Women are expecting help not a parent who steps up. @Voneska . A man is 'helping' by doing normal everyday tasks that would be expected of a parent.

Using the word help perpetuates the 'it's a woman's job' attitude.

A man living on his own would be doing things like cooking and housework. As soon as there's a baby he stops, and suddenly it is 'helping' if he does it.

A man child who plays on his play station instead of minding his own child or tidying his own house. Well that doesn’t sound great…