AIBU to resent being left with all childcare and housework?

[Kriszoee]

By reading the title I’m sure you will all jump to say “no, that is not fair!”, but my partner has made me believe that because of how much he work( 40 hours per week, 5pm - 1am ) it is my job to take full responsibility for the house and the baby, who was his initial idea. (9 months ).
I want some insight on how right (or wrong) his values are, as I am starting to resent everything.
My partner (M28 ) works 40 hours week, usually 5 or 7 days in a row, with one day off. The housework and baby is my full responsibility, he won’t change her as he doesn’t like the smell, won’t feed her without complaint, doesn’t really play with her, won’t pick up the dog poo or walk the dog as he “ isn’t his dog “, won’t do the washing, won’t unload the dishwasher, doesn’t cook etc.. before we goes to work, he plays his PlayStation and washes her bottles. He sleeps 1:30 - 10am, then doesn’t get out of bed until almost 11. I am up at 5am every day with the baby, and I am utterly exhausted. He turns this into an argument as I shouldn’t be tired as I “ just stay home with her “.
Because he works; he says that he is too tired to do ANYTHING or go anywhere on the days he works, which means we don’t do anything unless he is off, but when he is off, it’s hit or miss if we do anything.
Ultimately, I feel like the default parent.
I have to ask multiple times to even get some bins out or some dishes unloaded from time to time but it causes an argument, and any time he is with our little girl he is honestly just on his phone watching videos or complaining about how exhausted he is.
I find I am really struggling having to do everything myself and honestly I feel like a single parent with his absence and the lack of support within the home or relationship.
I have voiced my opinions every time but I always get the same responses of “I work”, or “you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.
I know even by writing this that it doesn’t seem fair but he genuinely can’t see past his reasoning.
How fair do you think this is and what can I do

I have worked since the day I turned 16, continuously, for over a decade. I have no plans at all to financially rely on him. I would love to return to work. Even part time to start with. I need some sense of normality back in my life.

Surprisingly, he did a lot. The chores were very much 50/50. He wanted to help. He’d do so much for me, too. He worked 70+ hours a week at this point. It seems as though something has flicked in his head and now he can’t be bothered.

You should do the majority but he should do something. I did when I was on maternity leave. DS was not a great sleeper, do you ever nap when the baby naps? I did, I used a travel cot as a playpen in the kitchen so I could get on with stuff. As well as the issues about him what sort of routines do you have?

The one thing he should not have to do is the dog as it is yours, I would have the same stance as him on this. But I assume he let you know this before you lived together? DH would like a dog but I have made plain how I would do nothing for it so we don’t have one. We both like cats and have shared care with cats as pets

I won’t be doing that. My daughter gets quite upset when I hand her to him, and I believe this is because he doesn’t spend enough time with her.

I want to be with the old version of him, the version that I have always known. I cannot stand this version. He is annoyed all of the time and I don’t want my daughter thinking this is ok. I honestly don’t think he is capable of changing at this point.

Your post of 8:45, he doesn’t like being a Father, I think people like the idea of being a parent but then when it’s here they don’t, especially men. It’s the greatest test of a relationship or serious illness. Many men leave their wives or partners when they become seriously ill and many men remarry or partner up very quickly after the death of their women. Seen it a million times via friends and through work when nursing.

You need to lay it on the line and have a series of talks, point this out, get someone else to look after the baby. He was not crap before so there is a slim chance he could revert. If he doesn’t then it’s over. Be brutal no dilly dallying with words be very direct. I would actually say you do not like being a Father do you? I am direct with my DH to the point of being by English standards blunt as fuck but culturally I’m not of British descent and it’s all very direct. It’s caused a few issues over the years with his family, like what is the double meaning here? Just actually say what you mean. The women especially seem incapable of this, maybe they want to be seen as nice.

100%. I am more than happy to take on all of the household chores, and the cooking - as I enjoy them, but he needs to do more with out daughter. It’s less about the housework, and more about the fact that I feel he isn’t engaged enough with his daughter.

all I want of him is to possibly feed her lunch, play with her now and again and do things which contribute to her development, unload the dishwasher + put the bins out when they are due, and walk the dog for five minutes before he goes to work. That’s all I ask, but he won’t do it.

The dog is ours, at least in my view. We purchased him together, he picked the dog. I paid for the dog as I got a large bonus. He likes to use that against me.

As for routine, I wake up between 5/6 which is when my daughter wakes up. I feed her in her room, and then we go downstairs at around 7. I play with her on the sofa until 7:30 and then I make and feed her breakfast. She has her first nap at around 8:30 and wakes up around 10. He wakes up at 10, and comes down the stairs between 10:30/11. When he is downstairs, he expects me to keep her for the next hour so that he can “ wake up “. During this time I play with her and get her dressed for the day if I haven’t already.

He will take her around midday, that’s when I have something to eat and do the washing, then he hands her straight back for the day and plays on his PlayStation. At 2pm I make her lunch and feed her.

Around 3pm I put her in her chair to watch me make dinner as he takes this to work, during this time I talk to her and narrate what I am doing. Once dinner is finished, he washes her bottles then goes straight to work at 4:30.

it’s then just my daughter and I. We read books, go for walks, play etc. I feed her diner at 5:30 and reheat mine to eat, then she has her bath and bedtime routine to be asleep by 7:30. I then clean the house. He comes home around 00:30/1am, feeds her if I haven’t already( complains about this! ) and then stays on his PlayStation until 2/3am.

This is my thoughts too, and I hate that as my daughter deserves more. I worry he is depressed. I have asked him to seek help, but he finds shame in doing so. He was eventually prescribed 100mg Sertraline, but refused to take it.

So sorry, I sent my reply before finishing. I am shattered.

My mum helps once a week for 5 hours, during this time he sits on his PlayStation. We never do nothing together. I do feel my mum doesn’t help enough, but on the flip side she has two heart conditions.

He has tried to talk me into moving 400 miles away to be near his parents, who will help more. I am just concerned that I do that, give up my house and then nothing changes.

I am looking for a new job as we speak. Currently, we share finances. My career prior to having my daughter is too much, and too dangerous( risk of serious assault… worked in a very high security role ).

We have a 3 bed house, in both of our names. I have asked him to leave a couple of times, but he refused. If it came to it, his family are 400 miles away and he would go.

That’s exactly how I feel. Lonely, isolated and withdrawn.

My mum helps where she can, she isn’t very well but does try. Another family member comes over twice a week and stays to help. It’s not much, but I appreciate it a lot.

They have said that if I was to leave, they would find ways to help more.

I’m going to have to, though he’ll then just waste money on meal deals.

I am doing this already. I sleep on a single air mattress on the floor of my daughter’s room.

So the dog is both yours, well I take back back everything I wrote! I do not want a dog because I hate picking up animal poo, it’s weird as I was a nurse so have been covered in all manner of human gunge. I am third person duty for cat litter tray so maybe do it twice a year.

He is sounding worse with each post. What you have relayed as your wants are sort of what my DH did in that year and entirely reasonable but he was home early enough so used to put our DS to bed so he could spend time with him.we also didn't put him to bed till 8.30 to 9pm and he ate with us but again that is very much a cultural difference.

I would try and nap when she has that morning nap, but maybe you can’t, some people just can’t. I used to sleep under my desk at work on a yoga mat with the door locked. When my colleagues found out they were shocked.

It seems like one of those why can’t I get it through your thick skull moments in life and I feel very sorry for you.

Plenty. It was very 50/50. Sometimes, he’d even do more than me and had absolutely 0 objections with me having a bath and a glass of wine. I haven’t done that in almost 2 years now as I simply do not have the time.

Dump his lazy ass.

What changed op. He went from 50/50
a few months ago to zero. What changed, because a good decent man and father who was doing all the right things just suddenly stopped?

That’s certainly the mindset I have. He chose the dog specifically and loved him up until recently. Because I paid for him, he is suddenly my responsibility only. It’s frustrating.

Totally agree with you, I have tried keeping her up later so that she’ll wake up later and I can sleep a bit more but she just gets cranky and still wakes up super early!🤣 I really only want him to do bare minimum, because even a small amount would feel like a massive weight off of my shoulder.

Most mornings I’ll nap on the sofa at the same time. This morning, I’m just filled with rage and wide awake. Thankfully, my mum is coming to pick her up in an hour and I’ll try to sleep this afternoon.

It certainly is. Every time my daughter is with my family, I try to talk things through with him, but it turns into an argument so I just don’t bother anymore!

This is what I’m trying to figure out. I really don’t know what has changed and I worry he is suffering from depression. The shift has been drastic, and in such a short period of time.

This is the thing. He did plenty whilst working 70+ hours. He still did plenty up until she was around 5 months old, and then it all changed.

The only logical explanation I can think of, is that he is depressed or has an underlying health condition that makes him physically exhausted but it’s no excuse. I suffered with PTSD for years after a serious incident within my career, I also have a chronic autoimmune disease. He was prescribed sertraline 100mg when our daughter was 6 months, but he didn’t take them.

I do, I earn money and receive the CB. It’s nowhere near as much as he brings in, but it’s still something.

I really like your point of saying “ well why can’t you help if it’s that easy? “, as that’s exactly what he says. In his words, staying home and looking after her and the house is a “ doss “.

if I was to leave, he’d lose his job as he’d return back to where his family live, which is 400 miles away.

I’m going to make a list. It’s wrong, but I can’t help but feel sorry for him.

The pay is shared, we have a joint account.

Do not move under any circumstances.

This relationship is very probably going to end and I’m all for trying to save them. If your in seperate rooms already that’s a bad sign. He may just be horribly jealous of the baby, again awful but I think some men cannot stand not being the centre of their partners world, my brother has been divorced much to my Mothers utter horror. I am a lot yojnger than him and it was when a baby came along it was my Mother who said he was jealous. I was about 15 at the time and it went over my head then but she did have a valid point and I totally get it now.

I considered it, but I think it’s the wrong move. Say it ends there and I’m stranded 400 miles away with no home to return to? I couldn’t do that to my daughter all for the sake of trying to save a dying relationship,

I am in her room primarily due to the fact he says I disturb his sleep getting up so early, which I understand. Not because he has asked me to or because we argue etc.

40 hours is a basic weeks work. Every other human who works a basic full time role has to do housework and spend time with their children. So can he. What does he think single mums do?

I think you should be cautious of your feelings around your career right now, hormones definitely affect the way you think. At 7 months i was thinking it was impossible to return to my job, dreading it, there was literally no way etc etc. By 9 months I'd flipped completely and was relieved for some adult company, child free time and mental stimulation. Now may DD is in primary school I'm looking at doing my MSc.

The time goes by very quickly, so be careful not to make any irreversible decision hastily.

My main concern is that it will be so much harder on my own, with working full time on top. His family are 400 miles away, he’d go back with them and still expect to see my daughter. He told me he would expect me to let her go there, at 9 months old, on her own.

He doesn't do childcare now, so is unlikely to be interested enough to drive over to collect her. He can't demand you'll bring her over if he decides to move away. You may prefer to get a child arrangements order and not to leave it to an informal agreement.

Check what you'll be entitled to from universal credit, child benefit, and his CMS payments (hopefully he's on PAYE?). You may not have to work full-time and can get paid childcare for the rest of it.

This is exactly what I said to him.