AIBU to resent being left with all childcare and housework?

[Kriszoee]

By reading the title I’m sure you will all jump to say “no, that is not fair!”, but my partner has made me believe that because of how much he work( 40 hours per week, 5pm - 1am ) it is my job to take full responsibility for the house and the baby, who was his initial idea. (9 months ).
I want some insight on how right (or wrong) his values are, as I am starting to resent everything.
My partner (M28 ) works 40 hours week, usually 5 or 7 days in a row, with one day off. The housework and baby is my full responsibility, he won’t change her as he doesn’t like the smell, won’t feed her without complaint, doesn’t really play with her, won’t pick up the dog poo or walk the dog as he “ isn’t his dog “, won’t do the washing, won’t unload the dishwasher, doesn’t cook etc.. before we goes to work, he plays his PlayStation and washes her bottles. He sleeps 1:30 - 10am, then doesn’t get out of bed until almost 11. I am up at 5am every day with the baby, and I am utterly exhausted. He turns this into an argument as I shouldn’t be tired as I “ just stay home with her “.
Because he works; he says that he is too tired to do ANYTHING or go anywhere on the days he works, which means we don’t do anything unless he is off, but when he is off, it’s hit or miss if we do anything.
Ultimately, I feel like the default parent.
I have to ask multiple times to even get some bins out or some dishes unloaded from time to time but it causes an argument, and any time he is with our little girl he is honestly just on his phone watching videos or complaining about how exhausted he is.
I find I am really struggling having to do everything myself and honestly I feel like a single parent with his absence and the lack of support within the home or relationship.
I have voiced my opinions every time but I always get the same responses of “I work”, or “you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.
I know even by writing this that it doesn’t seem fair but he genuinely can’t see past his reasoning.
How fair do you think this is and what can I do

Definitely agree.

I can understand on his part why he would be so tried working such ridiculous hours, but he can’t see to understand why I am so burnt out - probably because he has never had to experience this.

I think that’s what needs to happen in all honesty if there’s any chance of this working out. The shifts he’s doing now aren’t sustainable. I’m just not at all sure what sort of jobs we should look for! Our previous career is very unsocial, unpredictable hours and he currently works repairing vehicles.

You’re not a single parent OP as this poster rightly points out, but I think you should make plans to become one.

For me, the list of things this poster rightly sets out are preferable to seeing a lazy lump sitting on their phone or going off for naps at the drop of a hat (my exh) whilst I exhausted myself.

Somehow he’s found the time and energy to have two more children though .🙄

This!

And it’s so insulting - as though we choose shitty men on purpose!

My exh was the most fantastic involved uncle, as well as sharing chores 50:50 before kids.

Then we had a baby, the total amount that needed to be done increased many times over, and he decided he didn’t need to do any of it any more! It’s as though when you become A mother, they think you’ve become THEIR mother.

I didn’t say I was a single parent, I said that I FEEL like one as the burden solely lands onto my plate.

so frustrating, isn’t it!

Honestly, this is exactly how I feel! I couldn’t have said this any better!

No, but it’s usually worth pointing out that being a single parent is very different to how those with shitty husbands “feel” alongside a cry of LTB.

It’s a different burden, but personally I prefer it.

Glad it’s helpful!

I hope you manage to find your way through this.

Really? Honestly I’m just worried it would be so much harder with having to juggle EVERYTHING. I can imagine it may feel just as lonely though.

I didn’t leave my exh with a tiny baby, my younger one was nearly two when I decided to call it a day, but then it took time to get out of living in the same house (which was a nightmare).

So I was very stupid and stayed long enough to have a second child, always thinking it would get better. (Edit - I obviously don’t regret my lovely younger child!!)

But I was just thinking this morning how much better it is to have all those stressful burdens re finances etc than to live with a lazy and also miserable man. Days out with him were always so stressful as you never knew which way his mood would turn. Special events -
you never knew if you could look forward to them or celebrate as his mood might tank and everything would be horrible.

So he was EA as well as lazy, but I think lazy is enough!!

What is the housing situation? Can you move in with your parents? Your mother has heart issues so you really shouldn't be expecting any help from her, but if they can let you move in with them, it would get you out of that house.

Are you sure your ex isn’t my partner? Sounds like the same man🤣🤣🤣

Just suck it up love. Be grateful you are married to a manly man with firm boundaries.
Don't you realise that it is almost impossible to change a nappy or do any housework unless you have a vagina.

Having a full-time job is no excuse. Buck up. You're a woman, you can multi-task.

Alternatively, send him to the1950s. He'll fit in there.

I'm going to ignore much of what you've said and focus on sleep. It's been agreed that you sleep in the nursery and you're on an air mattress with an autoimmune illness? If finances allow, get yourself a proper bed in there. As big as will reasonably fit. You're doing everything and need proper rest.

First time I’ve laughed all day.. oh my goodness 1950s🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

@Ginorchoc , it's not HELPING OUT! It's being a parent.

We have a 3 bedroom house, in both of our names.
No, I can’t move in with them and wouldn’t want to move out of my own house. They have absolutely no space in their house.

I would love to do that, but her room isn’t very big, a bed wouldn’t fit. The air mattress takes up most of the floor space, and is then moved to a storage cupboard in the morning.

I asked him to please sleep on it, and she can sleep in our room with me. He of course said no, for the reason being that he is 6’4.

Well, there you go. He's far too tall to do any baby care, and the only housework he can do is dusting the ceiling, door tops and curtain rails. See, he has got some uses. He's probably quite handy at getting things off the top shelf in the supermarket but there's not much need for that if you have home delivery.

My ex was 6'5" and even managed to fuck up changing a light bulb.

“you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.
Looking after a young child is just sitting on your arse doing nothing if you have a vagina.
If you don't have a vagina it's a heroic act of physical and mental endurance and deserves recognition.

What I’ve learned since I left him - both on here and in real life - is that there are a lot of them about!

Ah he has tall man syndrome too - and equally annoying counterpart to short man syndrome.

It’s where they think they deserve prizes for being tall - with those prizes including the best of everything, the most comfortable things, the thing everyone would want, and of course all the available space in scenarios like transport where space is often limited.

The most comfortable bed (regardless of bed length, as the floor is much longer than any bed), the plum seats such as aisle seats with easy access (plus a bit of your space of course) the front seat of the car (even though seats move forward and back) - anything that inherently nicer for anyone really.

Not all tall men have it (just like not all short men are insecure and angry) but it sounds like yours does.

I would be sleeping in the main bedroom and with his shitty attitude I wouldn’t care if I disturbed his precious sleep. No way would I be sleeping on a blow up mattress to help him out when he has pretty much totally checked out of fatherhood.

Housework is also just sitting on your arse doing nothing if you have a vagina.
Dishwasher and washing machine emptying is extremely difficult unless you are female.

I will say one thing @Kriszoee , he does work nights, and that does have different effects on the body.
His days area bit skewed because he has the night, morning, day and evening pattern - his night (sleeping) is your morning, then he has his evening but it's in your afternoon, then in your evening, he goes to work.

A regular hours job for him might be part of the answer but I suspect his behaviour and attitude won't change then.

@Kriszoee the worst part of having no help, is seeing the person or people that could help but don’t.

The resentment of him won’t go, ever, unless you do 1 of 2 things, either:

• leave him with the baby from 11am until he gets ready for work, for him to see what looking after a baby actually entails or
• leave him

You mentioned having an issue with the baby going 400 miles away. This is highly unlikely to actually happen, no matter how many times he tells you this, because he can’t be arsed with the baby now, who is only mere metres away.

Try the first if you want, but do the second if the first doesn’t change anything.

OP, I wouldn't do any premature decisions now, because it seems to me you are in a state and devoid of sleep.
If possible, get rid of the dog - less work for you and fighting over it would end.
Then plan your return to work when the baby turns 1. Start looking for a childminder right now. Give it 6 months since you start your work and see if things change.
Some men don't really have it in them to have a connection with the baby until that baby becomes a toddler (or even later). But they are fantastic fathers later on. But it's up to you if you want to wait and see if that materialises. Taking revenge by leaving can make you feel good initially, but being a single parent is not easy (as evidenced on this forum a lot).