AIBU to resent being left with all childcare and housework?

[Kriszoee]

By reading the title I’m sure you will all jump to say “no, that is not fair!”, but my partner has made me believe that because of how much he work( 40 hours per week, 5pm - 1am ) it is my job to take full responsibility for the house and the baby, who was his initial idea. (9 months ).
I want some insight on how right (or wrong) his values are, as I am starting to resent everything.
My partner (M28 ) works 40 hours week, usually 5 or 7 days in a row, with one day off. The housework and baby is my full responsibility, he won’t change her as he doesn’t like the smell, won’t feed her without complaint, doesn’t really play with her, won’t pick up the dog poo or walk the dog as he “ isn’t his dog “, won’t do the washing, won’t unload the dishwasher, doesn’t cook etc.. before we goes to work, he plays his PlayStation and washes her bottles. He sleeps 1:30 - 10am, then doesn’t get out of bed until almost 11. I am up at 5am every day with the baby, and I am utterly exhausted. He turns this into an argument as I shouldn’t be tired as I “ just stay home with her “.
Because he works; he says that he is too tired to do ANYTHING or go anywhere on the days he works, which means we don’t do anything unless he is off, but when he is off, it’s hit or miss if we do anything.
Ultimately, I feel like the default parent.
I have to ask multiple times to even get some bins out or some dishes unloaded from time to time but it causes an argument, and any time he is with our little girl he is honestly just on his phone watching videos or complaining about how exhausted he is.
I find I am really struggling having to do everything myself and honestly I feel like a single parent with his absence and the lack of support within the home or relationship.
I have voiced my opinions every time but I always get the same responses of “I work”, or “you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.
I know even by writing this that it doesn’t seem fair but he genuinely can’t see past his reasoning.
How fair do you think this is and what can I do

I am really sorry to be blunt, but you have married a worthless manchild who will never improve. You'll grow more resentful and more tired until you're dragging yourself through each day, waiting for bed (which won't bring sufficient rest), only to wake up and repeat the next day. You'll want to be everything for your child, but you'll simply be too exhausted to do all but the basics.

Life without the man child will not be easy and will contain the same single parent struggles you face now, but will be so much easier than your life now because your decisions will be your own, your space will be your own, you won't constantly be expecting support which never comes and your only responsibility will be to your child and your shared future. You will have to rely on childcare, which is costly and uncertain, but is a challenge that is better than being married to this man.

You'll be astonished at the world that opens up to you, when you're not so worried about improving a life you don't really want. You'll find new friends or, at the very least, acquaintances to chat to. You may have to force yourself initially, but you'll find a renewed interest in things you used to love, whether it's being outdoors, reading, relaxing in the bath, going to the movies alone etc. Find and make use of babysitters - you can still be a responsible parent whilst needing (and benefiting) from time alone. Obviously, go back to work. You deserve a job that gives you purpose and financial security.

As to the safety of leaving your child with your (hopefully soon to be ex)...only you can judge what's best here. Mine was (and is) a truly selfish, thoughtless waster who will continually put a stranger's needs before that of his child. I couldn't trust him to care for a baby properly or, most importantly, stop our child being mistreated by others (which was a real threat, given ex's dreadful family), so I had to bide my time for years until I felt our child was old enough to say no when necessary/scream for help.

Sorry if my comment came across as judgey, im not judging you, I just want to be sure youre looking out for yourself

Sounds like you’re a single parent to two babies

This kind of post makes me so angry. “You chose this man”.

No, most women who end up with absolute arsehole men did not choose them, whether they are lazy, abusive or both. They were tricked by a manipulative man in most cases who did not show his true colours until he thought the woman was sufficiently trapped.

Open your eyes, it’s a very common tale.

You were lucky if you got a good one, who remained a good one after kids. Lucky. Not clever, wise, sensible or forward thinking. You simply got lucky.

This is the type of man who absolutely hates child free by choice women. Ive heard about the things Tate followers say about women who dont want kids.
I wonder what he would have said if you had told him you didnt want kids!

Let's not pretend that in a lot of situations like this, the red flags aren't flying high from the very beginning. People ignore them.

My DH was exactly the same at that age. He had been wonderful and perfect until around 4 months. He changed almost overnight, it was awful. The reality and relentlessness of a baby hit him and he just checked out completely.

I actually went back to work full time at 7 months and hired a nanny. It didn't fix anything, it made everything worse (except financially it was great for me).

I didn't let it go. I nagged and nagged and shouted and kicked him out once.

He changed for the better around 18 months after many arguments and also 2 of his best friends going through a divorce (for being shit dads). DS also became much easier and wonderful. Hand on heart, he does MORE than me now while I am getting on with my career.

It took a lot of work to get here. And I was fully prepared to leave him permanently. I wasn't going to just accept it.

Have I forgiven him? No. He made my life hell for a while. Ruined some of my son's baby months. But given he has shown significant and sustained change, I chose to stay for my son's sake.

I think something happens after the newborn excitement wears off. The reality hits. And 99%of the time, the woman literally gets left holding the baby.

I actually look differently at men generally now. Having a baby has taught me just how fucking privileged they are for never having to give birth or go through post partum.

He thinks working 40hrs a week is exhausting and the limit of his abilities?

I, a woman, with similar hours 5am to 13.30pm 5 days a week. This means I get up at 4am to be at work on time. After work I go home for 2pm and clean it do washing out gardening till my 2 year old wakes from her nap at any point between 2 and 3pm. We then go and pick my son up from school (5yo) then I either have to entertain them or take them to their clubs, cook dinner for 5.30pm bath the kids age put to bed between 6.30pm and 8/8.30pm. I then get 30-60 mins depending on how bedtime went to do something or to myself before I head to bed at 9pm. My 2yo still wakes 2 or 3 times a week minimum so the sleep in get is broken, then it starts all again at 4am, so I'm sorry but he doesn't know the meaning of exhausted, I literally am on the go from 4am till 8/9pm with a max 1he to myself 5 days a week.

I am lucky in that I have a great husband who does his share with the kids, he gets them both up and dressed and dropped at school and nursery, he then picks the youngest up in his lunch and puts her for a nap, I know he does more than most dad's, but he doesn't really pull his weight with the chores around the house, but we muddle through the best we can, we are a team, and that's what you need in a partner when you have a family, someone you can work well with and support each other as parenthood is no walk in the park. He needs to man up, I get that he is working and you currently aren't but he needs to help out more.

OP you need to set his hypocrisy out to him - when you are looking after the baby, he says you are relaxing and so you don’t need a break.

But when he is asked to look after the baby, he says he’s tired from working and so doesn’t have the energy to do the work of looking after the baby too.

Is looking after the baby work, or isn’t it?

I also think you need to make it clear that you aren’t being Cinderella anymore, sleeping on the floor and doing his chores for him. Get into bed when he is at work and start sleeping there with the baby, it’s his turn to sleep on the floor. If he won’t contribute to joint chores then that’s fine, you will both look after yourselves - cook for yourself, do your own washing, leave him to sort himself out. If he wants things to change then he’s going to need to bring something to the table.

It’s only been four months of this so I don’t think your relationship is beyond saving, but I think DH needs a wake up call!

Did you not work before having the baby so he expected the same after?

If i was a sahm I would expect to do the housework, especially time during naps, but would expect partner to want to be interested in being with DC and help out a bit. During maternity leave I of course did everything during the day with our baby and got housework done during afternoon nap or had one myself when up at night. DH couldn't wait to have a cuddle with DC, would help with dinner, cleaning up after, then I always did bedtime routine.

When I went back to work it was shared equally and whoever could do nursery pick up. He works from home so could prep meals, put on washing and have a clear up, made life easier for me when I got back.

You probably can't change his attitude but you can change your situation...some questions,

What job does he do?
Is it particularly stressful?
Is there any possibility of you getting a job, maybe on an evening, so he needs to step up?
Can you trust to leave baby with him for a day at weekend and go out and give him a taste of your daily life? Xx

A lot of people saying leave, which I wouldn’t disagree with. However, my biggest concern with this is that he ‘doesn’t want to change their nappy’ or even ‘feed them’ so what on earth is he going to do if he has access?

No, I was working 70 hour weeks. Which I obviously can’t do now :(

He works in mechanics. I wouldn’t say it was stressful, but it is constant and physically demanding. I am looking for a new job as we speak. It isn’t practical for me to return to my intense, high security career. The hours are too unsociable and the job can be too dangerous. I am limited on what I can actually do, as he works 5pm - 1am, therefore I can’t have a job where I will be needed later than 4pm.
Im not sure. I’d be worried that she would just be barely entertained while he sat on his phone ..

So you were working more hours than him, did he pick up the extra chores or were these left to you then? Was his attitude different, ie you were working more he should be doing more at home during his 'easy time' prior to baby?

Sorry, if he didn't pull his weight before then condemns you for having an easy life with a baby he's totally deluded!

It's very easy to see why he wanted a baby, it was so that you would be at home and he could absolve himself of any responsibility.

I went back to work when my baby was six months old, and my husband was at home with DC for six months. I was (and still am) in a very senior high pressure job. I rushed home every day to spend time with my family. The minute I walked in the door I took the baby so DH could have a break. On the weekends I did everything, all the housework, shopping, cooking, cleaning, taking care of baby. I saw his role as being harder than mine.

Your DH sounds like a truly awful person. If I were you I would get back to work asap so you can rid yourself of him.

Go back to your job and employ a nanny. Your 'D'H brings nothing to your life.

Sounds like your relatives are gently hinting that you should leave

Side note: 'men' obsessed with Playstations. How childish and unattractive.

At that point, he was also working 70+ hour weeks. Everything was very 50/50, sometimes he’d even do more than me.

I’m sure it happens sometimes. I wouldn’t say it’s the norm. And it’s very rude to assume a poster is in the “red flags flying high” category without reason to think that.

OP has clearly posted background to suggest she isn’t.

I don’t think you should tag team it. That would leave you both exhausted, surely?

You can use a nursery!

Well no he wouldn't be looking after the baby. He doesn't do it now so wouldn't if they split

Oh lovely, you're already a single mum just with an extra man-child to look after. Definitely time to leave him. You'll still be a single mum but you won't have the argument of trying to force a grown adult to actually adult and parent. He can then clean his own clothes and his own dishes (or live like a slob whatever who cares) and you'll be far more peaceful doing it on your own in your own home without him around.

When we had our 2 oldest my partner worked 15 hour night shifts 12 hour day shifts rotated every 2 weeks he would come home take my older kids to school get a few hours sleep then get up and spend time with the kids , help around the house etc when he was on days he would help wash up after tea and do bedtimes . Your partner is a useless lazy tw@ and when you leave him hes still going to have to do his own chores .

Not necessarily.

My friends ex did NOTHING for his DD or the house (i used to stay over regularly and also went on several 2-3 week holidays with the family, so witnessed first hand). He demanded 50/50 and friend was told not to fight it. He stepped up and pulled it off and friends DD is now an adult.

She was older than OP baby, when they split, but higher needs as the result of having been an extreme premie.

He just treated friend with contempt because he thought he'd get away with it. He didn't because friend is the most resilient and incredible women i know.

I'd say that's more unusual than not though. They majority of fathers who did sod all for their kids when they were with the mother will do even less when they are not. Almost as though they consider the child the mothers responsibility