AIBU to resent being left with all childcare and housework?

[Kriszoee]

By reading the title I’m sure you will all jump to say “no, that is not fair!”, but my partner has made me believe that because of how much he work( 40 hours per week, 5pm - 1am ) it is my job to take full responsibility for the house and the baby, who was his initial idea. (9 months ).
I want some insight on how right (or wrong) his values are, as I am starting to resent everything.
My partner (M28 ) works 40 hours week, usually 5 or 7 days in a row, with one day off. The housework and baby is my full responsibility, he won’t change her as he doesn’t like the smell, won’t feed her without complaint, doesn’t really play with her, won’t pick up the dog poo or walk the dog as he “ isn’t his dog “, won’t do the washing, won’t unload the dishwasher, doesn’t cook etc.. before we goes to work, he plays his PlayStation and washes her bottles. He sleeps 1:30 - 10am, then doesn’t get out of bed until almost 11. I am up at 5am every day with the baby, and I am utterly exhausted. He turns this into an argument as I shouldn’t be tired as I “ just stay home with her “.
Because he works; he says that he is too tired to do ANYTHING or go anywhere on the days he works, which means we don’t do anything unless he is off, but when he is off, it’s hit or miss if we do anything.
Ultimately, I feel like the default parent.
I have to ask multiple times to even get some bins out or some dishes unloaded from time to time but it causes an argument, and any time he is with our little girl he is honestly just on his phone watching videos or complaining about how exhausted he is.
I find I am really struggling having to do everything myself and honestly I feel like a single parent with his absence and the lack of support within the home or relationship.
I have voiced my opinions every time but I always get the same responses of “I work”, or “you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.
I know even by writing this that it doesn’t seem fair but he genuinely can’t see past his reasoning.
How fair do you think this is and what can I do

Yeah, he thinks he's got you trapped now so he's showing his true colours.

This is what the "Well you should have just chosen better" crew fail to grasp.

Thanks for this! I will definitely think it through before making any rational decisions.

I know, I think he’d do it out of spite and for the sake of his lovely ( they genuinely are lovely ) parents having a relationship with her.

there definitely would have to be an arrangement in order, as I feel he’d go out of his way to make my life difficult.

I had a look, all of the above wouldn’t cover my bills. I wouldn’t have to work full time, but definitely part time. Even 16 hours a week would be enough with her in nursery a couple of days a week, and with my mum the other day.

He is on PAYE, but if we split he will leave his job and relocate closer to his parents, probably living with them again until he found another job. ( he’d return to his previous career, he was raking in £4k a month there ).

That’s how I feel.
He has changed so much. If he was like this previously, I never would’ve entered a relationship with him. If I knew he was going to change so drastically, I never would’ve had a baby with him.

i saw none of this coming.

If you’re working too then he’s being an absolute arse!
If you’re not working then I do have some sympathy with him! I’m not saying he should be doing nothing however he’s working nights in a 5 or 7 day stretch with only 1 day off that is going to be exceptionally tiring! You never sleep as well during the day and 1 day off is awful! My husband has 2 days off a week however they are not together and he never gets chance to rest properly.

I would so love to be able to make you a cup of tea and rock that baby. I am to quote my husband a curmudgeonly old crone but I feel the upset in your posts and how you so wanted it to work.

You are someone who had ‘ a good one ‘ but he changed, some women do have children with men that are awful to begin with yours wasn’t which is why it is so extra painful and why you haven’t already left. Plus it’s much harder with children.

I am all for protection and as you are in no actual danger, I would try and get a job first though easier said than done. You seem quite close to your Mum , when the time comes wojkd she let you stay with her for a few months?

Cafcass are unlikely to recommend overnight stays at 9 months if he's never looked after her. Make sure you collect evidence of you being the main carer (health appointments etc). I suspect it'll be a weekend a month around age 2, and he'll dump her on her lovely grandparents. Don't not end the relationship because of that. Your daughter will be happier if her mum is happy.

I’m not working at the moment due to childcare, however I plan to return within the next few months. I just don’t know how I’m going to manage that on top of everything at home. Previously we both worked 70+ hour weeks.

I do sympathise with him as the shifts are absolutely horrific. I’ve told him that the shift pattern isn’t sustainable at all and he would be better off doing something else where he can sleep better and be more present. I fully understand that he is exhausted as I have an auto immune disease which causes severe fatigue as one of the main symptoms.

I am worried that he is going to end up missing out on milestones.

I really appreciate that, so much. It’s so very nice to know that people do care. I’m just so burnt out.

Exactly that. I always hold onto hope that one day the person he once was will walk back in through the front door. I miss “ him “. It is so painful to think of him leaving and missing out fully on our daughter, and her miss out on him. I just feel so lost!

Definitely in no danger, he is a gentle and loving man. I am going to look into returning to work within the next few months. I think it would do me good. I worry over childcare, but my parents will help out more if they know I physically have to go to work.

If it were to end, which I obviously don’t want, I would keep the house.

Won’t he also need some sort of consent for “relocating” if he demands to see his daughter 400 miles away?

Thank you, this is what I assumed too - but I wasn’t sure. I let him know that I would be more than happy to travel the 400 miles with her and stay in a hotel so that his parents and himself can see her and do things with her. I said that once she is older and can make her own choices and actually talk, she can go on her own IF SHE wanted to.

He didn’t like it, but he can’t force our daughter 400 miles away from her mum. I don’t think anybody with common sense would allow that.

If you’re worried he’s missing out on milestones I would maybe phrase it that way to him.
My husband often works 50-60 hour weeks and is completely exhausted and often he’s not always as rational as he would be when he works shorter weeks. When I know he’s worked a long week I put (zero demands on him the same as he does for me when I’ve had a tough week). Maybe pick a time when he’s less tired say during an annual holiday and try and come up together with some minimum jobs for him to be responsible for.
I’d just be mindful that maybe some of his resistance to helping out is coming from a place of exhaustion which may be making him more irrational than normal. As you say you’re no longer working are there money worries?

He doesn't seem to care about missing out on milestones, so why worry? Keep them all to yourself.

I think look at how his parents were. If his dad went to work, and mum saw her work as the home then that explains his approach to how he thinks life should be lived.

He was gentle and loving perhaps, there is literally nothing loving about this man. You can’t help an adult who doesn’t want to be helped op, you can only leave him.

Yet again I see the word ‘help’ mentioned. Every time I see this word, in the context of men and chores, it makes me want to scream!

The children and the household jobs are not a woman’s sole responsibility. Therefore there is no place for the word help in this context.

Every adult man should pull their weight in terms of childcare and chores.

OP go back to work full time and split childcare and chores 50/50.

Don’t commit to anything OP. If he moves away it is his responsibility to deal with seeing her.

in your shoes I would split now. You need a village to support you and instead of focusing on building that, you are focused on this man child. DD will cope well as she won’t remember anything different and you can focus on building yourself a nice life.

If he is depressed that’s up to him to deal with. You can support him but he needs to take the steps.

I think the change at 5 months was that this is when it hit him that this is the reality of having a child and he decided it didn’t suit him. So he decided to opt but doesn’t want to be the bad guy who leaves his partner with a new baby. So he wants you to do the dumping.

This. Don’t mention staying in a hotel near his parents again, because you may not want to spend your money on that once you are funding your baby and life on your own. If you have money for a hotel that’s a holiday for you and baby. His money should facilitate his parenting.

Sadly unless he proactively wants to change himself then there isn't much anyone can do. It's however not fair for you and your DC to continue living like this and also bringing you down with him.

It's sad that he has totally changed from being able to share the load to now nothing. This means he is capable but something is going on for him. Could he be cheating? He sounds depressed and needs to seek mental health support.

I will try that. I have phrased it this way before and he has said that he doesn’t care. I know he does care. I think he is just exhausted.

No, there are no money worries.

They both did, and still do work.

“ I think the change at 5 months was that this is when it hit him that this is the reality of having a child and he decided it didn’t suit him. So he decided to opt but doesn’t want to be the bad guy who leaves his partner with a new baby. So he wants you to do the dumping. “

As much as I don’t want to believe this, I think it may be right and I think in turn, has caused him to become depressed. He was always so happy within the first few years of being with him.

Sorry, what I meant was I would travel there and stay in a hotel in order for him and his family to see her and do their own thing with her, but I wouldn’t be funding it. He could pay for that himself.

He definitely isn’t cheating. He is very open with his phone and has no friends here. Apart from work, he doesn’t go anywhere.

Babies and shift work are a difficult combo.

If he suggested having a baby, maybe he was thinking “I’m working 70 hour weeks and so is the wife; I’m exhausted, the housework is the last straw - this is mad. She can have a baby and relax, I can work my shifts without having a mountain of chores to come back by to. We will be happy!”

And it hasn’t panned out that way?

If he’s prepared to end his marriage and move 400 miles away , why doesn’t he look for a day-shift job for now? If you both worked daytime, even if for less money, you’d get UC and funding for a daytime nursery .