AIBU to resent being left with all childcare and housework?

[Kriszoee]

By reading the title I’m sure you will all jump to say “no, that is not fair!”, but my partner has made me believe that because of how much he work( 40 hours per week, 5pm - 1am ) it is my job to take full responsibility for the house and the baby, who was his initial idea. (9 months ).
I want some insight on how right (or wrong) his values are, as I am starting to resent everything.
My partner (M28 ) works 40 hours week, usually 5 or 7 days in a row, with one day off. The housework and baby is my full responsibility, he won’t change her as he doesn’t like the smell, won’t feed her without complaint, doesn’t really play with her, won’t pick up the dog poo or walk the dog as he “ isn’t his dog “, won’t do the washing, won’t unload the dishwasher, doesn’t cook etc.. before we goes to work, he plays his PlayStation and washes her bottles. He sleeps 1:30 - 10am, then doesn’t get out of bed until almost 11. I am up at 5am every day with the baby, and I am utterly exhausted. He turns this into an argument as I shouldn’t be tired as I “ just stay home with her “.
Because he works; he says that he is too tired to do ANYTHING or go anywhere on the days he works, which means we don’t do anything unless he is off, but when he is off, it’s hit or miss if we do anything.
Ultimately, I feel like the default parent.
I have to ask multiple times to even get some bins out or some dishes unloaded from time to time but it causes an argument, and any time he is with our little girl he is honestly just on his phone watching videos or complaining about how exhausted he is.
I find I am really struggling having to do everything myself and honestly I feel like a single parent with his absence and the lack of support within the home or relationship.
I have voiced my opinions every time but I always get the same responses of “I work”, or “you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.
I know even by writing this that it doesn’t seem fair but he genuinely can’t see past his reasoning.
How fair do you think this is and what can I do

That’s utterly appalling OP, not even being able to shower because of him. He will no doubt come crawling back, but try to remember that he really does not like you at all. He’s been watching you drown and refusing to throw you a life line.
Stay strong, you’ve got this.

But this is what I mean, why do you need your husband to help for you to shower or put make up on? Just get on and do it. I never asked my husband to have baby so I could shower I just took baby in with me or had them in bouncer or had them in play pen or showered when baby was asleep etc. can't you also shower at night when they are in bed?

What would you do if your husband was away or out at work in office during day - you'd probably just get on with it. So that's why I thought perhaps you are a bit depressed/overwhelmed etc.

But your husband should of course be helping you with housework etc. he would have to do that if he wasn't married and of course he should be parenting equally in his time off on weekends.

I’m guessing you didn’t/don’t have a colicky baby with separation anxiety.

Both of my babies would have cried themselves sick if I’d done this. I mean, I could still have done it, if I’d had to, but it’s certainly wouldn’t have been my preference.

Fortunately, my husband is an equal and enthusiastic parent who doesn’t see spending time with his children as ‘helping’, so it never came up.

I was thinking this. My baby could NOT be put down for anywhere near long enough to shower. The bathroom was a challenge.

Couldn't you take baby with you? I mean more for toilet than shower really, though I did with shower occasionally.

Fortunately I rarely had to shower with baby, but when I did, I had a water sling and we had a shower together. Not as good as a normal shower, but I could freshen up and wash my hair.

Yeah literally this! I take her to the toilet and she crawls around which is fine as she can see but, but the shower wouldn’t work. Same with the make up, she grabs everything and puts in her mouth.

i have an autoimmune disease which badly affects my skin, so taking her physically into the shower is a no go as I have to use several medicated washes and steroids.

Put baby with some toys in a travel cot near to bathroom - keep bathroom door open.

Or Shower when they are asleep at night?

I had a rocking chair thingy I used to have both my kids (when they were babies) in in the bathroom and i used to strap them into chair and then keep getting out of shower to give them toys and sang to them etc. I got used to having very quick showers!

Also I thought we were talking about a 9 month old baby? Surely they don't have colic at 9 months. I had a colicky baby but not at 9 months old.. I honestly don't see why you can't just have them in a play pen, travel cot, walker, bouncer etc while you have a quick shower

Respectfully @vickylou78 OP has a husband so she should be able to shower alone. Now that she’s single she will figure it out, but a partner should be able to facilitate a mother having the odd moment to herself once in a while.

Yes I completely agree that her husband/partner should help her!! He sounds absolutely awful to see her struggling like that and not help her out.

But, I just wanted her to know that she doesn't have to go a whole week not showering, there's ways of doing it on her own. I felt helpless for a while with my first baby and really let myself go because I didn't have time/husband at work etc. and I felt awful it didn't help my mental health. I felt much better when I figured out a few tricks to keep baby occupied.

I agree that if she is now single she will work it out.

Not get nicely dressed up and go out? I can count on the fingers of one amputated stump the number of times I’ve gotten properly dressed up and done my makeup to go out instead of clothes on and rush job while home with babies? I was thinking about this on the weekend as I have to take my dc out on Saturday and dh is not around, it’s prob a first for getting dressed up without him, AND I have to get the kids dressed up too in a short window after getting home from activities.

oh I’d also be kind to other women.

i remember how exhausting and soul-destroying it was when DH showed no interest in me or DD - it made me so miserable but I did my best to make sure DD still got all the love and attention she needed. It didn't turn out as I'd imagined, I loved DD from the minute she was born but DH was always distant and uncomfortable. I put up with it for 3 years and spent a lot of time alone but DD kept me going, becoming a mum was the best thing that happened to me, on the back of it came domestic abuse. If any of this resonates with how you're feeling after what's been happening please don't blame yourself, just give yourself time to heal and take each day as it comes. xx

Did you read my other post, I wasn't trying to be unkind I was asking her to get some support in case her mental health was being impacted by all this.

Also I don't mean getting dressed up to go out on town, I just mean having a shower and freshening up a bit and bit of mascara to take baby to soft play or something like that. Op was saying she'd gone a whole week without a shower. I'm saying this with experience of a baby that cried a lot and only slept for 20mins at a time. It took me ages to work out how to get myself and baby ready to leave the house!