AIBU to resent being left with all childcare and housework?

[Kriszoee]

By reading the title I’m sure you will all jump to say “no, that is not fair!”, but my partner has made me believe that because of how much he work( 40 hours per week, 5pm - 1am ) it is my job to take full responsibility for the house and the baby, who was his initial idea. (9 months ).
I want some insight on how right (or wrong) his values are, as I am starting to resent everything.
My partner (M28 ) works 40 hours week, usually 5 or 7 days in a row, with one day off. The housework and baby is my full responsibility, he won’t change her as he doesn’t like the smell, won’t feed her without complaint, doesn’t really play with her, won’t pick up the dog poo or walk the dog as he “ isn’t his dog “, won’t do the washing, won’t unload the dishwasher, doesn’t cook etc.. before we goes to work, he plays his PlayStation and washes her bottles. He sleeps 1:30 - 10am, then doesn’t get out of bed until almost 11. I am up at 5am every day with the baby, and I am utterly exhausted. He turns this into an argument as I shouldn’t be tired as I “ just stay home with her “.
Because he works; he says that he is too tired to do ANYTHING or go anywhere on the days he works, which means we don’t do anything unless he is off, but when he is off, it’s hit or miss if we do anything.
Ultimately, I feel like the default parent.
I have to ask multiple times to even get some bins out or some dishes unloaded from time to time but it causes an argument, and any time he is with our little girl he is honestly just on his phone watching videos or complaining about how exhausted he is.
I find I am really struggling having to do everything myself and honestly I feel like a single parent with his absence and the lack of support within the home or relationship.
I have voiced my opinions every time but I always get the same responses of “I work”, or “you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.
I know even by writing this that it doesn’t seem fair but he genuinely can’t see past his reasoning.
How fair do you think this is and what can I do

And this.

Do you have a personal current account as well as the joint one?
If not, get one asap, and put any money you have into it, such as the child benefit.
That is then one less thing to organise when the separation goes ahead.

Someone posted the things you should and shouldn't do. I should have bookmarked it.

Can I Change the Locks When My Ex Moves Out? UK 2026 Guide

I have no affiliation.

Key Takeaways

• If you both own or both rent the property, changing the locks is rarely effective. Your ex has the same legal right to enter as you do, and can simply change them back.
• If you are married, both spouses have “home rights” under the Family Law Act 1996, even if the home is only in one spouse’s name.
• If you are cohabiting and the property is in your ex’s sole name, your right to stay depends on the length and nature of the relationship and any beneficial interest you may have acquired.
• Where there has been domestic abuse or risk of harm, you can apply for an Occupation Order (form FL401) to exclude your ex from the property. This is the proper legal route to securing the home.
• Unilaterally changing the locks without legal grounds can lead to a court-ordered reinstatement and, in serious cases, an order excluding you from the property.

I found it so much easier when I split from ex, DS was 9mths old. Less cooking and cleaning/laundry. I did everything on my timetable without having to answer to a man who was too tired to help with DS.

I'm not joking the one moment that sticks in my head a it was a defining moment that made me go wtf!
DS had been colicky all night so id been up pretty much all night had about 2 hrs sleep. Ex refused to do any night care as 'I need my sleep as I work, its dangerous to drive while tired.' (He was a bus driver). He went to work at 8 and was supposed to finish at 5pm at 6pm he come home saying he went to friends for a coffee. By this point I'm so tired im swaying. I put his tea on the table and he decides he doesn't want it. I ask him to have DS for 30/40 minutes so I can have a bath.
He doesn't respond and walks into bathroom, I hear the bath running. I think oh lovely he's running me a bath.....nope. Then I hear him lock the door and get in, I knock on the door and ask wtf and his response hes worked hard all day while I've lazed around the house. He didn't come out for an hour (which was after DS went down to sleep). Hot water was all used up (because we lived in an old cottage so no hot water on demand.)
Then asked if there was anything else to eat. THAT WAS THE END Of MY PATIENCE.

OP log this, write a diary of dates. This is emotional abuse. Even log it with 111 and explain how its making you feel this way.

Keep family in the loop to these happenings, as you may need it soon for an occupancy order.

Keep logging it with 111 every time it happens, its emotion abuse and coersive control neither is ok.

I mean 101

Was it a nice patio?

As the house tenancy was only in my name. He went off to work the next day I called his mum and dad (who I still adore) to collect his stuff which they did. I locked the door and left the key in. I aldo left a note on the door saying his mum and dad were expecting him.

Best thing I ever did.

Good on you. You did the right thing.

hi - he is gone!

That was quick. Well done. It'll be tough but you can do it.

i feel better already. He said he had been wanting to go for a while.. be my guest.

Wow. He’s obviously been wanting out but his behaviour has been an attempt to make you the one to end it. You and your daughter will have a much calmer and happier house without him.

So why the hell didn't he put his big boy pants on and actually go, instead of hurling abuse at you and physically intimating you with violence? If you'd been proactive he could have ended up with a criminal record so he is very fortunate you weren't. What an utterly vile excuse for a human being.

Oh, and it was a rhetoric question. Far easier and less physical effort to break another person so that they leave rather than him pack his belongings. That's the kind of black soul he has. Ugh.

Well done @Kriszoee

Do order a camera for your front door if you haven't got one already. He's been violent (throwing stuff is violence) and this is a key trigger point in the timeline of domestic abuse homicide.

4. A trigger threatens the perpetrator's control - for example, the relationship ends

https://www.dvact.org/post/do-you-know-the-8-step-timeline-in-domestic-abuse-homicides#:~:text=trigger%20threatens%20the%20perpetrator%27s%20control

@Kriszoee Blimey, well done!

Shame he was such a pathetic, abusive man-child, about it all, but good riddens!

Really glad he didn’t put up a fight at least.

Hope you can relax a bit now, get some sleep, and start enjoying your new life without him.

Indeed, stay safe, just in case though…

Yay! Enjoy your peaceful evening! It is so predictable that he said he's been wanting to go for a while. Typical Bullshit Bingo. Let him tell himself that this was all his idea if it means he'll get out of your life for good.

Wow well done! You are exactly right, your daughter deserves a loving home and it sounds like he isn’t able to provide that. You’ve got this!

Aww op well done it will get better but goes to show you he was abusive and a coward why not just walk away he rather let you both suffer because he’s not a real man bullying women. Op make sure he pays cms and tell anyone who will listen he was an abusive twat.

Please get the locks changed as soon as you can if he has keys! He sounds unhinged.

You can't just change the locks, it's his home too. Read up before making suggestions that could cause problems later.

I really hope you contact your GP for support and have it on your records that you asked him to leave because of his abuse of you and the baby. Detail it all. You may need it later.

Op please get some support and help for yourself too. You've mentioned that you hadnt showered for a week and hadn't put make up on for weeks etc. So could it be that you are depressed too? Ask your GP about it. But my advice would be even if you are super tired, make sure you make time to hop on the shower and make yourself feel better each day (take baby in bathroom with you in a bouncer or something) or shower when she naps. You will feel better for it.

hi - no it was nothing to do with that, it was that I simply had no time as he wouldn’t take her to allow me to do anything I wanted