AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

The upside OP, is that you woke up to all this manipulative shite before you got married.

Thank your lucky stars.

Haven't RTFT but just from your first post I would say run for the hills. This guy sounds really awful.

He's over stepping the mark anc is being unreasonable.. Before you make any further commitments to this man set down your own boundaries. If you are not happy make sure you stay living apart.

Ditch him. He's controlling you and telling you what to think and do. This will create resentment. Free yourself and run for the hills now.

@Theworldonfire

You don't need to reply. Just hoping you're doing OK and taking any actions you feel are right for you.

Just thought I’d update.

He’s escalated over the weekend and shown me in no uncertain terms that I’m an on duty babysitter. I had a migraine yesterday and had a nap around 1pm. He slept on the couch last night and said he’s “sick of all the rest I get whilst he has to get on with it”.

Today I was meant to visit my elderly mum. He said “oh so you’re “sick” yesterday but you have enough energy to spend time with your mother today and leave me and dsd again, having spent no time with us yesterday?”

for context, I spent all day with them yesterday, bar the 1 hour nap.

i didn’t end up going to my mums because i just knew the atmosphere I’d come back to. Cue him saying “why’ve you cancelled going to your mums?” All shocked.

I have told my mum everything (there’s more than just what’s on this thread, but I don’t have the energy to type it). I am going to work as normal tomorrow and then driving straight to hers where I will stay for however long I need/want. She told me not to let him know I’m going.

OP I am so pleased to read your update. Thank goodness for your lovely mum! Good luck tomorrow.

Thank goodness for that, you have escaped marriage to that monster by the skin of your teeth. Well done, onwards and upwards to something a lot better.

I'm so glad you talked to your mum and are going there to stay. He's really shown his true colours. What a hideous specimen. Thanks for the update and wishing you all the best 💐

PS what a fkn shit parent he is!!

@Theworldonfire good decision. You will feel so much better without him.

Wishing you well for the future

Well done for making a plan.
You dont need to put up with his crap anymore.
Can you take tomorrow off?
Leave for work as usual then go home and pack everything you want to take to your mums for a bit.
The essentials you need, and everything personal/valuable(financial or sentimental), documents etc.

Well done OP. We’re rooting for you x

He’s a shocker isn’t he? What’s your housing situation?

I hope your mum gives you good support. There’s a much better life waiting for you. 💐

To be clear you're ending the relationship right and not just going to your mom for a bit until he convinces you to come back?

This is a good update, even if it doesn't feel like it is.

Often when women catch on to mens abuse it's like they sense it and change in some ways and make the woman doubt what she was previously thinking and feel bad for thinking it in the first place and then they stay trapped for a hell of a lot longer.

Well done for telling your mum!

Thank goodness 🙏🏼

So glad you’ve told your mum & are getting out. Keep this thread as a reminder of how he is, as I’m sure he’ll try hard to find a way to tempt you back.

Also pleased to hear your update and 100% agree with your Mum: Don't tell him anything. Wait until he's gone and move all your stuff out. You're going to dodge a massive bullet.

If he's this bad now, imagine how much worse it would get if you were married. He stopped you going to visit your own mother because he was sulking that he had to parent.
You deserve so much more.
Please update to let us know when you are safe at your Mum's house.
Take care and good luck!

Yes...this! Pretend you're going to work but call in work that you need a day off urgently.

Then clear everything out to your Mums! He won't expect it and you'll be safe.

Well.done.

Go to your mums.

She sounds really supportive.

Op he’s showing you the real him and he’s controlling you with the manipulation he’s the dad. That’s his job. I hope you decide not to carry on with someone who thinks so little of you I get migraines and there fucking horrible

Well done OP. I think you'll look back and realise you've dodged a bullet. I've been a stepmum for 16 years and my husband would never, ever think any of this. His child is his responsibility. Imagine how he would be if you had kids yourself? Run for the hills and don't look back. Good luck, OP

I'm glad to hear this. Don't look back.

Good news @Theworldonfire , I'm so glad you're leaving, he's really showing his true colours now.