AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

Wonder if he'll start the 'woe is me' once he realises you've left, or accuse you of abandoning his DD, which in turn is where you can remind him that as you're not married she isn't infact your DSD at all.

I'd also do as suggested if you can and pack all of your belongings so you've no need to go back.

Hopefully being away will give you some thinking time in that he really isn't the man you want, or should be wasting spending your future with.

He’s narcissistic and using coercive control. Please be aware when he realises you’ve gone that he will try every trick in the book to get you back. he will make promises, he will cry, he will beg. He will be very persuasive please look after yourself. And please see through all the promises he will make.

Because he’s shown you who he really is take lots of care of yourself.

You’ve dodged a bullet here @Theworldonfire thank goodness you are realising this now and not post-wedding xx

This.

Good luck @Theworldonfire , you sound lovely, which is how he hooked you in the first place. Stay strong, the kindest thing for your DSD is a clean break and it’s the kindest thing for you, too. As pp said, he will throw everything from flattery to abuse at you to make you change your mind and come back to be his maid and nanny once again. Stay strong, you’ll be amazed at how good it feels to not be with a manipulator.

JFC his behaviour and attitude are absolutely shocking! His sense of entitlement is off the charts and he is incredibly rude as well.

I'm so glad that your mum is supportive and that you will be staying with her for a while.

I predict that he will have a massive tantrum and he might make some promises that he has no intention of keeping to try and win you back. Stay strong!

Op. This isn't a healthy relationship. But I think you know that. I am so sorry..its going to get worse until you don't know which is right or left.

Great update Op! Hope you're feeling ok.

He resents you. He resents his DC. he thinks your purpose is to serve him and his child. I'm glad your leaving. His a shit dad and a shit partner. You deserve better.

You do realise he is controlling, manipulative and coercive? I absolutely believe he is capable of serious abuse of you.
Gather anything sentimental, paperwork, jewellery, passport etc., and bring them with you.
He is quite capable of destroying stuff or losing your stuff out of spite.
Take anything of real value.
Do not tell him anything.
Can you leave after him?
Email work that you will be late and gather a decent bag of clothes.This is a bad man who sees you as a skivvy. He is a shit father and definitely not a man to ever have a child with.
He will definitely try and get you back, be ready for that. He doesn't like his child and needs a woman, any woman to be his skivvy aupair.
Such a narrow escape.

If I were your dsc child I would want to like and trust you, and to enjoy being with you, but I would not want you pretending to be my mother, or my ‘parent’. (Unless their mother has died or run off, and even then I’d want boundaries.)

I am going to work as normal tomorrow and then driving straight to hers where I will stay for however long I need/want.……..

MWhat ever you do don’t go back.

That man shoukd not have had 50:50 either. He resents his child, and he is horrible.

OP I’ve said it upthread but I’ll say it again - this man doesn’t care about you at all. He has no compassion or consideration for you and he is jealous that you’re child-free.

He’s trying to make his responsibility, your burden and it’s not. So please run and stay at your mums until you’re able to get your own place.

And also look into therapy to gain understanding on why you’ve tolerated this so you can be aware of the red flags next time.

Gather anything sentimental, paperwork, jewellery, passport etc., and bring them with you.
He is quite capable of destroying stuff or losing your stuff out of spite.
Take anything of real value.
Do not tell him anything.
This.

Take your passport/laptop/photo album with you tomorrow. Just in case...

You sound brave. He sounds like a lazy useless good for nothing. Good luck tomorrow.

Sounds like your mum has the measure of him and really well done for being honest with her, I know how hard it is to admit your relationship isn’t what you’d want it to be, it’s a massive step and so is going to hers from work.

When I left my ex I was too scared to tell him my plan so I said I was going to stay with my sister for a few days to help her with something and never went back. I called him a week later to say I was filing for divorce, he went mental and insisted we meet where he screamed and shouted at me and threatened me and then he stormed off. Like that was going to change my mind 😂🤦‍♀️ By then I’d got some space in my head from not having been in the same house with him and just powered on sorting practicalities. You’re being very brave and you’ve got us here to support you as and when you need it.

Read Women who love too much. By Robin Norwood
Also
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk too.

Learn why you have allowed yourself to be sucked into this by a user.

You deserve so much better.
The step parenting forum is full of women who fell into this trap, had a child and bitterly regret their choices, being used, by a man who never wanted children and needed some woman to do free childcare.

Agree with this. Good luck, OP. Wishing you well.

I’m so glad you’re leaving. Even if you were DSD’s parent, imagine getting stick for needing a nap due to a migraine and visiting your mum at the weekend…! And you’re not even the parent and you’re getting more heat and pressure to parent than her own mother would get

Make sure you take your passport and any bank stuff of yours with you. Most other things are easily replaceable.

So glad you are leaving him, he's treated you like shit and it would only get worse.

Reminds me of my ex husband. I left him and never looked back, and the same will be true for you xxx

This

Your mum sounds ace. Glad to know you are being supported. He is an arse and I feel sorry for his poor kid. I don’t know much about what causes migraines but not having the stress of living him certainly won’t do you any harm.

Good luck OP, I know it's not easy but I'm sure you're doing the right thing x

Don’t ever doubt yourself. You are the most important part of your life! Take anything that’s dear to you/important. Sending you strength

Thank goodness you’ve seen what he’s really like! He doesn’t love you op, there’s no genuine caring for you. I was horrified by the ‘I was sick for 4 weeks’ story.