AIBU to not want them to drop in randomly to watch trains?

[FlatPat]

I’ve recently moved to a home that’s close to a train station and opposite the track. A friend and her son who is autistic(As am I) have randomly appeared to see X or Y train. Most of the trains that pass are your standard passenger or freight trains but we do have a few better/well known ones passing through.

I don’t mind them visiting the odd time with advance warning but not just dropping in randomly especially as you can go to the train station to see them pass through or get almost the same view from elsewhere though I appreciate it’s more comfortable sitting in someone’s living room.

AIBU to gently suggest that they go to the train station instead?

TIA

And out of curiosity, for any train lovers here, how do you know which trains will be passing through as opposed to those that stop at the station?

Timetables

If the son is a train enthusiast there are websites that show live running etc

I’m not bashing autistic people. I am autistic as I mentioned. My friend isn’t but her son is. I’m not blaming him. It’s perfectly understandable that he wants to watch the trains but I don’t want anyone dropping in randomly, regardless of the reason(Besides my parents).

You are being very unreasonable

Nah. I'm a secret train spotter and wouldn't dream of dropping into a friend's home to catch one when there's a perfectly adequate station not far away. That's just rude.

...we have ways of finding out if anything fancy is passing by...

If there’s a famous train passing through and she wants to come here for an hour and lets me know in advance that’s fine but I don’t want to have random visitors because it stresses me out. I do feel bad though because I know that it gives him a lot of pleasure but I can’t do random drop ins.

If you aren’t prepared to say something just don’t answer the door? 🤷

What are these ways please? I rather enjoy watching them but know nothing about them.

Why don't you say this to her? It should be on your terms as it's your home. Don't feel obliged to host them though.

I have said that but she’s still dropped by because some well known train is going to be passing through here. Trains often seem to stop or slow at this point which I think may be part of the appeal, besides getting to watch in a warm home as opposed to the station but I may have to be a little more firm about it.

Why is OP being very unreasonable?

Yanbu but if she's a friend just say nicely exactly what you've said here. If I randomly turn up at someone's house I would not be remotely offended if they're too busy to host me. But the only person I'd do it to is my sil as she lives just up the road & is happy for people to pop in but will always say if she's busy

Tell them they can't come in as you are getting ready to go out for an appointment. Keep it vague. Getting ready can mean many things from locking up/shoes on to a bath/shave (for a smear etc).

Although it would be better to speak to the mother again and be very firm how you don't like random drop ins from anyone. Don't justify why you don't.

I don't think you're bashing people with autism

But I'm very confused about why you're asking a question with such an obvious answer?

What do you think we're going to say?

"No, you must open your home to everyone who decides to drop in as and when they please"?

If she just turns up unannounced answer the door but don’t let her in - say it’s not convenient for YOU now - and tell her she should always ask before turning up at someone’s house and then say you don’t want to create an expectation that you will be accommodating this in the future.

You’re not being unreasonable.

Re being in the know - tends to be rail enthusiasts and ex drivers running Facebook pages who get the word out, according to a steam nerd I know.

Op surely you check the timetable and have a 3 course lunch ready for your guests..
Or answer the door in your coat and tell her you are just off out...
What if they join a train spotters club and they arrive en mass expecting a hot beverage and snacks??

My son uses the Real Time Trains site to see what trains are running.

And yet you describe her as your friend.

Why can't you ask your "friend" to let you know in advance and explain why it's not convenient to just turn up? If he's got the timetables, it shouldn't be too much of a problem to give you notice.

As someone who is autistic, you must understand how important it is for your friend and her son to see these trains. You never know, they might even like your company as well and that's why they like to come to your house.

You must already know what a sometimes bleak and hostile place the world can be for autistic people. Why not try to be accommodating to your friend and her son?

Your other option is to tell them to piss of to the station and not darken your door again. You and your friend will each have one friend less and an autistic boy/man will find out that what he thought was a rare positive in his life is as shit as the rest of it.

You decide.

Some things that are obvious to others are not always obvious to me because I am autistic. And also I know how much pleasure it gives her son and things are hard for her because she’s a carer in addition to a parent so as someone with a guilt complex I feel bad about that so I wondered if I was being petty but unexpected visitors do stress me out.

I have told her and she still persists so perhaps I’ll have to be a little firmer/more concise about it. And yes it is important to him but there are other places that they can watch them and as I mentioned earlier I don’t want random drop ins as they stress me out and I have said an hour now and again with warning is fine but it hasn’t worked.

I’ve no intention of telling them to piss off but it does stress me out when they just appear and I’ll have to be a bit more clear/emphatic about that.

Thank you! I often see an unusual train going past and it’s be nice to know what it is as I can’t always catch the name.

I read it as though the OP is really asking how to deal with this. I would not suggest lying about having to be somewhere or saying that it isn’t convenient: just say straight out that you’re happy for the occasional, special visit but simply cannot cope with frequent and unannounced visits.

Perhaps decide the maximum number of visits that you could cope with in a month, say two? And tell her that you need to limit this because otherwise it’s too much. I would find it really unnerving and it would put me on edge if I didn’t know when someone was coming.

Have they been told they cannot access the station platform unless they have a ticket? Or are they just wanting a comfier place to sit? Either way, your friend is unreasonable. If her son is allowed on the platform, he can bring a cushion for the bench.