AIBU to not want them to drop in randomly to watch trains?

[FlatPat]

I’ve recently moved to a home that’s close to a train station and opposite the track. A friend and her son who is autistic(As am I) have randomly appeared to see X or Y train. Most of the trains that pass are your standard passenger or freight trains but we do have a few better/well known ones passing through.

I don’t mind them visiting the odd time with advance warning but not just dropping in randomly especially as you can go to the train station to see them pass through or get almost the same view from elsewhere though I appreciate it’s more comfortable sitting in someone’s living room.

AIBU to gently suggest that they go to the train station instead?

TIA

Next time they come tell them you’re just going out, they can go round to station.
Theyll have much more fun with fellow spotters anyway, & won’t notice you haven’t gone out?

She said she has told friend she needs advance notice, she is autistic and it stresses her out. The friend has ignored her.

Can you please explain why you think OP is being unreasonable?

@FlatPat rather than explaining to her how it feels for you (again), just tell her not to do it.

Explaining to people can be helpful sometimes, but it can also make the ‘no’ quieter. Some people have to hear the ‘no’ very loudly before they listen.

So, ‘sorry Jenny, don’t come over unexpectedly .’

You can think what you like but it isn’t intended to bash her and again I am autistic. Are we not allowed to discuss an issue if it involves an autistic person? I don’t think that my friend(who is not autistic) is being deliberately rude or inconsiderate. I think that she’s just so grateful/desperate for anything that calms her son and gives her a break that she doesn’t really understand the impact on me. I’ve no children but I’ve been a carer and I’d probably have allowed my family member to take a chainsaw to my furniture if it meant that I could get ten minutes break so I don’t really blame my friend, or her 6 year old severely autistic son, but it is stressing me out and I’m looking for advice on how to handle it, which I’ve received.

Yes it’s diesels DS loves most. I have had the pleasure of going to diesel galas with him which to me just seem to be very smelly!

but it keeps him happy!

How the fuck is it goady? 🤔

My opinion - you sound very kind and understanding towards your friend and her situation but I don’t believe that she doesn’t understand the impact on you. You have told her it stresses you out and it’s difficult for you. She just does not care about the impact it has on you.

If your friend encourages her son to join a local spotters group (he can sit on forums online) then he will likely meet people on the station that he 'knows' from the forums/spotters' groups. Far nicer to watch for trains with a group of likeminded people than a disinterested mum.

Well the person who says the OP is being unreasonable obviously thinks she should open her house to anyone who wants to watch trains...

OP if you look at the Real Time trains app it shows what's coming through, not just the trains that stop but also the ones that are passing through. And if you look at websites you can also see if eg the Flying Scotsman is coming through.
eg here: https://watercressline.co.uk/special-days/flying-scotsman-experiences/

Look at the timetable for the trains and go out before they are due a few times then they will go to the station to see it.

I'm also autistic. Message her about it:

"Hey friend, when X wants to see a train go by will you please ask me in advance so I can see if it's convenient? You need to stop just dropping in on me as I don't like it (one of my autistic traits, you know how it is!). I'm happy for you guys to come occasionally with notice, but I can't cope with unexpected visits. Thanks!"

And then when they turn up unexpectedly, either don't answer the door, it say you were just going out so they can't come in. I know that's hard to do but you'll probably only have to do it a couple of times.

Just say they can’t come and don’t give a reason. You don’t need to justify not having people in your house if you don’t want them there! I wouldn’t say you’re going out to an appointment as they might say they’re happy just to watch out your window without you there!

You have to tell her. It's an intrusion in your life. You're allowed to put your own needs before someone else's. It's not a crime. Yet. 🙄

Why people are dumping on you because your friend's son happens to be autistic is beyond ridiculous. Especially as you are also autistic. But even if you weren't, it's still bonkers. Please ignore their nonsense.

I wish you well op

Aa a sen mum myself, the number of threads that incite thinly veiled 'sen bashing' is sad to see

Clearly the 'unusual' trains are not timetabled and are probably just passing through without stopping so only those in the know will realise via their contacts in the train spotting community. So, OP, how often are those sort of trains going past your house?
I would guess your home offers not only a good view of the trains but a level of comfort and familiarity to the autistic son. Telling them to go to the nearest crowded viewpoint or station may not appeal to them. However, you have to be firmer with your friend - can you send a message explaining this? If you've just mentioned it in passing and she's been a bit dismissive then you need to be more explicit.

Not unreasonable at all. It is massively disruptive to have random drop bys with expectations on you. Your friend is disrespectful. She makes adjustments for her son's autism trampling all over you so she can be indoors rather than outside.

Tell her she isn't welcome unless she is invited to visit. Visitors don't invite themselves to your home.

@mumofoneAloneandwell is it not autism bashing to be autistic and have needs that are different to someone else who is autistic. We are not all the same. However it is more common on MN for ND people to bash autistic adults who can communicate on here.

This is super easy to deal with - get a Ring doorbell (or similar) then you can see who's knocking. If it's someone you don't want to see, just ignore. Honestly, I've had a similar issue because of living close to something "cool", and I've learned to just ignore.

God almighty, some of the responses here are bonkers. Yes, it is perfectly fine and normal not to want people to drop in on you without warning. I'm not sure if your friend realises you're autistic, but you could simply say that you struggle with unplanned visits and would be happier if they let you know in advance when they might want to come over to watch particular trains. That would be polite and sufficient. I'm not autistic and I would still struggle with this.

There’s been at least a few every week lately. We are one stop away from a major train station so I don’t know if they go there for repairs or storage but there are more than I expected. I think that her son enjoys all trains but they did appear suddenly for the “Harry Potter” train and for another luxury train and a freight train that was open topped seemed to be much appreciated. As we get more “special” trains than I expected I don’t want dropping into unexpectedly to see one every time one passes through to become a habit.

I think you can tell her how you feel. She is understanding of her sons autism. She'll likely be understanding if you frame this as stemming from your own autism.

Let her know.

'Hi Susan, as lovely as it is to see you both, please check first before dropping in, because I've got a lot of work/other commitment/other excuse on. Happy to make arrangements in advance, but I'm not always able to reschedule things off the cuff.'

Or get a ring doorbell.

Don't read threads posted by Autistic adults then, which was clearly stated in the OP. This isn't a goady thread. You are bashing @FlatPat by saying that and diminishing her needs. Is she not Autistic enough for you?

I would tell her once again very clearly. Maybe you could post here exactly what you’ve said to her as sometimes it feels like we’re being clear but it can come out a bit differently?

If she still carries on and you need to answer the buzzer, I would come up with a few reasons why she can’t come in.
“No sorry, I’m waiting for a call from the doctor. Hope you have fun seeing the train!”
”I’m just going in the bath”
“I have a friend over at the moment”
”I really need a nap”
Normal things that people normally do in their home but don’t want to be disturbed while they’re doing them. She will get the picture eventually that she can’t just ignore you saying you don’t want unexpected visitors

I'm not bashing the op, who i saw stated that she was autistic - but i'm afraid plenty of autistic bashing threads have 'i am autistic/I know loads of autistic people' in the op, and then a pile on begins - its awful to witness

Again, I have wished the op well