AIBU to not want them to drop in randomly to watch trains?

[FlatPat]

I’ve recently moved to a home that’s close to a train station and opposite the track. A friend and her son who is autistic(As am I) have randomly appeared to see X or Y train. Most of the trains that pass are your standard passenger or freight trains but we do have a few better/well known ones passing through.

I don’t mind them visiting the odd time with advance warning but not just dropping in randomly especially as you can go to the train station to see them pass through or get almost the same view from elsewhere though I appreciate it’s more comfortable sitting in someone’s living room.

AIBU to gently suggest that they go to the train station instead?

TIA

As the mum of an autistic train spotter YANBU! I have often joked that we need to move near a railway line for him but I would never dream of just turning up at someone’s house to watch one!

Wow you're rude. I love and care for my friends dearly but I wouldn't take too kindly to them dropping by unannounced constantly simply because they enjoyed the view from my window. How on earth is refusing to host unexpected guests showing an autistic kid that the world is hostile towards people like them?

Don’t answer the door.

It’s that simple.

As someone who is both autistic (who hates having people in my house) and a train enthusiast, YADNU!

Jenny, I have autism. I don’t want unexpected visitors. Don’t come unless we have arranged it beforehand.

DH is all about diesels.
And lines.
So he gets excited about diesel engines and freight trains with interesting loads.
And about lines which have been reopened or go somewhere interesting.

He reverts to being 12 again. It’s very sweet. I’d prefer to spend less time looking at trains, personally 🤣

Or, the friend could just pre-arrange with OP in advance. Surely, the train schedule is never decided on the day. So there would be no need for OP to tell anyone to piss off, or for a lad with autism nit to have the joy of the trains, if his parent just arranged it in advance. So easily solved without the OP having to decide anything.

Apologies for not replying individually but I do appreciate all of your responses.

I’m in flats so she has to buzz me to gain entry and it’s difficult to ignore that as it might be a parcel or someone I am expecting.

She can access the platform on both sides easily without paying so that isn’t an issue. I think that it’s just more comfortable in my flat and less noisy and she says that you get a better view(Possibly again as trains often stop directly outside or slow down)

She knows that I am autistic but I don’t think that she really appreciates the impact upon me. I think she’s probably so exhausted that she can’t see the wood for the trees and is so desperate for some respite that overrides everything.

I’m pretty sure that she isn’t autistic but her partner is.

I think that allowing visits twice a month as a poster suggested might be best so that she knows when she can visit. With perhaps the occasional extra visit outwith those times if there’s something special passing through, though I might not advertise that fact.

I am going to have to be much clearer with her though I have asked her to give me notice before and explained how difficult it is for me but it hasn’t worked.

Why don't you just say: "sorry, I'm busy now, but you can watch from the station. Next time let me know in advance. Bye" ?

OP I don’t know anything about steam trains or special trains, but you could decide how often you feel comfortable with your friend and her son coming round. Then sit with her and look at a steam train timetable and schedule her visits in advance.

That way, you’re in charge of the frequency of the visits, and she can plan to take her son to the station instead on the other days.

I hate people turning up unaccounted too OP. This always causes controversy on MN where they say 'my front door is always open, as a kid we were in and out of everyone's homes, I love a random drop in- blah blah. Sounds like she is using your home as a drop in creche- even though she is staying there with the son. Its rude OP and YANBU.

Its not the 1960's with no mobiles, no phones or way to text and check its ok BEFOREHAND.

OP- If confronting them on the front door when they arrive is too difficult (I'd find this difficult and I'm not ND). Send a text now along the lines:
'Hi Jane, I'd appreciate you call/text before dropping in unannounced to my house. Its not always convenient (and you don't realise how much stress this causes me). Hope to see you are school/club/X soon,
All the best, FlatPat x'

Add the bracket section if want.

Also, trains follow a schedule. There's absolutely no reason to show up unannounced.

I’d hate this too- organised visits, great. Unexpected drop ins, absolutely not.
The best thing to do obviously is tell them this. But if you find it tricky, can you not just pretend to be out? Or would it be obvious you’re home/would they look through the window?
Ive definitely done the coat trick before when my in laws come round and my partner is out, see them pull up outside, grab my coat and head out then feign surprise when I see them there, and tell them I’m off to an appointment and running late!

Would you like to join them at the station for some trainspotting? So if they turn up at your door don't invite them in just grab your coat. Your friend is being rude, ignoring your limits, so don't worry that you are being rude if you're more forceful. It's great that you feel sympathy for her difficult situation but you don't have to put up with unwanted visits.

As a fellow autistic person, I can see how this would be a cause of stress and not a straight forward interaction. People turning up unexpected is a nightmare to me. If you feel you can address it in person, I’d centre the conversation around either an unplanned visit (so next time they just pop in) or if she mentions the trains. Eg “it would be lovely to see you (pleasantries ease any negative social inferences), but I can’t do now/then. If he does want to come over to watch trains please may you text me a few days in advance so I can check my schedule?” A text in advance would give you an opportunity to decline or prepare for guests.

Alternatively, if over text you can send a message like “hi, it’s so nice your little boy enjoys watching trains at my house. Would it be possible to plan these visits in advance, so I can make sure I’m free and he won’t be disappointed if you can’t come over?” That’s a very reasonable stance

This thread comes across as goady and an attempt to get people to pile onto your 'friend'

Yabu

What an unreasonable response. We can have friends and call them that and still not want them dropping in unannounced.
If you read the thread Op has already said that she has asked the friend not to turn up unannounced.
OP may know how much the trains means to the autistic son of the friend but you could equally say the friend should know better than to drop in unannounced especially as she’s been asked not to. Why does the friends sons feelings matter more than OPs in her own home?!
It sounds like Op has been accommodating on several occasions.
Why would op tell them to piss off and never darken her door, she’s said she just wants notice. So it’s not all or nothing as you’re saying it is.

Why?? You mean you'd be happy for people to frequently just arrive unannounced to sit in your house to watch the trains? I certainly wouldn't like it. If they asked in advance, leaving me the option to say sorry, no, if it wasn’t convenient for me, it would be different.

OP, YANBU at all. Just ask your friend to ask in advance in future (with a limit on no more than x times a month) as unannounced visits from anyone stress you out.

Edited to add: I see you say she has ignored your requests to ask you first. In that case you’ll have to get tougher. If it happens again, you could say "I’ve asked you before, I need some notice if you want to visit me to watch the trains. I don’t want to disappoint X so you can come in just this once, but it’s not to happen again. It’s not fair."

You are not being unreasonable. It is incredibly rude of her to ignore your request regarding unannounced visits to your home. Keep it simple, tell her one last time, very firmly, and if she persists then stop answering the door.

No it doesn’t at all come across as an attempt for a pile on

It doesn’t come across like that to me at all.

So when she buzzes and you realise it’s her, you say “sorry, it’s not convenient, you will have to let me know and make proper arrangements next time.”

I don’t think it does at all.

OP - Yanbu. Send her a message now saying you can’t do it any longer. I’d avoid saying without warning as someone this intent on pleasing her son at your expense may just start dropping in weekly
warnings, and continuing to come as much.

To me it comes across as someone looking for ideas how to handle a situation delicately

Yes, just do this.