AIBU to not want them to drop in randomly to watch trains?

[FlatPat]

I’ve recently moved to a home that’s close to a train station and opposite the track. A friend and her son who is autistic(As am I) have randomly appeared to see X or Y train. Most of the trains that pass are your standard passenger or freight trains but we do have a few better/well known ones passing through.

I don’t mind them visiting the odd time with advance warning but not just dropping in randomly especially as you can go to the train station to see them pass through or get almost the same view from elsewhere though I appreciate it’s more comfortable sitting in someone’s living room.

AIBU to gently suggest that they go to the train station instead?

TIA

She's asked two AIBU questions.

The first being "AIBU to not want them to drop in randomly to watch trains?".

The second: "AIBU to gently suggest that they go to the train station instead?"

Then she goes on to say she's already told her friend to tell her in advance but that she's ignoring her wishes.

DH is an avid train enthusiast and always knows when a steam locomotive is due to pass through our village. However, he will go and stand on the footbridge along with dozens of others, to get the best view.

What I would do, in your shoes OP, is find out where the best viewpoint is locally for seeing various trains, and then tell your friend what you have discovered. It saves any hurt feelings by saying please don't come round. There are a lot of websites catering for trainspotters so won't be difficult to find out.

i’d try and find out why it needs to be in your house.
maybe it is because it may be cold and wet outdoors on the day, or because you have a toilet. or because it’s quieter.

if i were you i’d try and be helpful about finding a spot where the track passes right next to a good vantage point and go there all together. and then see how that goes down. if they like it they can go there in future. i'd badge it as you won’t always be available to host and you dont want little johnnie disappointed.

and yes you dont have to help by finding a spot/accompanying them as it’s not your problem but shes your friend so it’s nice to be nice. i’d prob still host sometimes. it’s nice to see kids happy.

Why is she? It's her home not a tourist attraction.

No way would I put up with that. I hate surprise callers, I don't care who it is. She has some neck arriving at your door with her child and just expecting to be brought in.

I would suggest somewhere else and if she still knocks I would ignore her.

Really, why? OP doesn't want uninvited visitors turning up at random times which I think is very reasonable. Her friend can take her son to the station to see trains passing by, surely?

No offence but surely you can just mention personally or by text that it's not always convenient for them to drop in unannounced and could they please ring first to ensure it's convenient.

Christ, calm down!

Spot on!

Fucking he’ll I can’t even handle my parents dropping in unannounced!

Her son is autistic, how can she not understand how disrupting it is to have unexpected things happen?

Next time she turns up unannounced you’re going to have to tell her you’re busy and can she text to check you’re free before turning up to watch trains!

Im reallY good friends with my neighbour right across the road but we don’t turn up on each other’s doorsteps without a text!

Sorry for being thick but what is an “unusual train”? Aren’t they all just freight or passenger trains? Or is it the royal train to Norfolk or something?

I am ND and can’t deal with anyone popping in.

I just don’t answer my door unless I am expecting visitors. I don’t care if they can see I am home. All my friends and family know I won’t come to the door if I’m not expecting them.

Just start answering the door and saying sorry I’m just heading out, let me know in advance in future and don’t let them in if it’s not convenient

Unusual train as in one of the steam trains or a well known one. I’m no train expert but they’re unusual to me. The “Harry Potter” train has passed by here for example. No idea why as we aren’t exactly on the route and a few other better known/luxury trains have passed by too. They look rather different from the standard passenger trains. I don’t know which trains are valued by transpotters though but certain ones look noticeably different to me.

Why? Who wants folk dropping in just to see trains. It's rude not to at least ask in advance.

I’ve had this exact thing happen OP! I’ve got a superb view of both my local stations and the viaduct that connects them. I used to get people trying to drop in all the time with their kids to watch the trains go by. Not a problem I ever thought I’d have! I used to do toddler train watching parties so I could be in control, otherwise it was a constant stream.

You might have to just have to be blunt - it’s not an unreasonable expectation that you can just pop in whenever you want, and it’s not ok just because the son is autistic. Does she know you are autistic? You could explain it like that, you can’t tolerate unexpected visitors (I’d also limit the number of arranged visits too by the way).

So the OP, who herself is autistic, has to put up with them just dropping in so that he doesn’t ‘find out that what he thought was a rare positive in his life is as shit as the rest of it?

How ridiculous. She is happy to accommodate if she has the heads up beforehand. Surely better for the mother to do that than risk upsetting her son if the OP isn’t in/is too busy?

By turning up like they do, the mother is increasing the chances of him being disappointed. And autism or not (I have AUDHD before you come at me), you do have to learn that the world is not set up for your needs.

Ignore the people having a go at you OP.
As the parent of an autistic child, your friend really should be able to understand that you struggle with unexpected visits.
Make this very clear to her and ask that she ring to confirm that it's OK before hand,to avoid being turned away and upsetting her son.
Your feelings matter too - autistic or not!

They're trains. They're timetabled. They should never need to drop in randomly. You need to be firmer about it only being acceptable if agreed in advance, and actually say no next time they do turn up unannounced.

How
I am autistic and I hate people popping in.
It's rude and it knocks me off.

As someone who is autistic, the OP knows the crippling anxiety of having people unpredictably turn up at her house!!

Why? Would you like someone popping in your home at any time without letting you know? Absolutely no!

Get a ring type door bell then you can monitor who is at the door without even opening it. After a few unsuccesful visits they will probably give up.

I understand this as I HATE unsolicited visitors and have a robustly worded ntice to that effect on my door. It does deter most people and the rest I watch in amusement via the app on my phone, tablet or Alexa on the TV.

I used to have a neighbour who would "drop in" when I was working at home and stay nattering for hours. I told her that the uni had changed the rules so we all had to be in the office 9-5. I just stopped answering the door during office hours. That was before ring type door bells became a thing.

I hope you don’t mind me saying but I love your username 😬

You are definitely not being unreasonable. It's very rude of them to just turn up. Tell them just what you've said here. You don't mind them coming by occasionally but they need to check with you in advance in future please.

@TatianasCabbagePie Just because the child is autistic doesn't me the OP's comfort, whether OP were autistic or not. Are you sure his mother is not autistic OP? It does tend to run in the family...