One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Check out my username. I clearly have a problem.

Two years ago my brother got married and the wedding was child free but my sister-in-law’s cousin’s children were flower girls; mine were not invited. I was very, very upset.

Now my problem is one of my daughters who is 9 has actually been asked to be a bridesmaid for her Godfather’s bride. We have agreed and my daughter knows about it.

When my husband told me I was of course pleased but knew my six year old would be jealous, but it was a learning opportunity, they don’t have to do the same things, her Godfather was already married when she was born yada yada. She definitely has come to terms with it.

It now emerges that she isn’t invited. Child free apart from wedding party, just like my brother’s. Two of the other children in the wedding party also have siblings who are not invited.

I can’t believe what wedding culture has become.

I am not leaving her with anyone I will have to miss wedding.

This child's whole family would be going apart from her. This is not like her sister's schoolfriend's birthday party. Her sister and her parents would be going, with her sister in a starring role, and she'd be palmed off to grandma?

You will need to go to help your daughter get ready and see her being bridesmaid.

it’s not nice the younger sister hasn’t been included but she isn’t a godchild. she will have to spend the day with a babysitter or family member.

Sorry i dont know mums net talk and dont know if I'll have the time to learn lol.

I dont really think there is an issue with children of a certain age not being invited as I am in the same predicament with my brother getting married and not allowed to bring my little one. Weddings are very very expensive and you dont want the children messing around of course thats what they do so you dont want this to be ruined. BUT to invite one child and not the other thats very unfair. I thought all children weren't invited so if they want a flower girl it should be one of age and not a child as there will be a lot of raised eyebrows. I am sorry you are going through this.

Its an evening wedding too so simply drop little munchkin off with grandma and go get ready enjoy the day she has a sleep over with grandma and home the next day with all her adventure stories. Enjoy the wedding and daughters moment to shine.

I suspect the reason they aren’t inviting your DD is that if they invite her, they have to invite any other siblings. And then most likely any children of anyone in the wedding party, to keep it fair and stop other members of the wedding party feeling unfairly treated. And then there will no doubt be family members outraged that the siblings or children of bridesmaid/groomsman etc are invited but their child wasn’t…. And on it goes. Suddenly, they have quite a few extra child guests who have to be paid for- or if venue limited on numbers, they’ll not be able to invite people they would like to have there to accommodate including the extras. And not the essentially child-free wedding they chose.

that said, it’s an invitation and you don’t have to go if you don’t want to/are unhappy with their choices around the wedding arrangements. I would let your eldest go and be a bridesmaid.

i think you either arrange for your youngest to do something fun, or stay home with her as planned. I’m sure 6 yo might feel a bit put out either way- though i suspect like most 6 year olds she will be able to be mollified (at least to some degree)- so you just have to decide which is the option most likely to work best for you and her.

It probably is correct that they didn’t invite her so they didn’t have to invite other children. But the fact remains that a little girl is left behind while the rest of the group go and her sister gets treated with special dresses and treatment. It would have been more thoughtful for the bride and groom to not have had either child involved- but hey, they wouldn’t have got their photos, would they!

No its not. Tell them to get fucked.

I got married a long time ago. The mother concerned wanted page boys in what I considered to be 'sissy' clothes. Knickerbocker and frilly shirts. I didn't want that. My wedding, my choice. I had an adult bridesmaid and my niece, who was aged about 6. Pretty dresses, my choice.
I think little boys in suits and bow ties look cute. I probably still wouldn't choose a page boy. If I was attending a wedding with a boy child I would dress him in a suit and bow tie.
The boy who escaped being a page boy is now a car mechanic. I bet he would have hated wearing velvet knickerbocker and frilly shirt. He would definitely have hated the photos existing for eternity.

A family friend attended the ceremony with her daughters. They were of an age to enjoy the novelty of a wedding and dressing up. They were very welcome. They quite understood that they weren't invited to the reception.
The last wedding I attended, one of the evening guests attended the ceremony, because she wanted to share the occasion. Then, she quietly sloped off and returned later, for the evening celebrations.
My acquaintances seem to be more pragmatic than most mumsnetters.
I suppose OP could offer to pay for her younger daughter's meal. Although, she may be excluded by virtue of her age.

It shows how personal these things are though, because I really do not like the look of little boys in suits at all. They look like little shrunken businessmen and I really don't find it cute - if anything slightly creepy, but at the very least tacky. Much prefer little boys dressed like little boys, and for a romantic occasion like a wedding, I think romantic styles of clothing are far more appropriate.

This is not about ‘teaching resilience’. All a 6 year old will see is her older sister getting to wear a lovely dress, getting her hair done, going to a wedding with her parents whilst she’s totally left out. Honestly, it’s just cruel. Who in their right mind would think this is ok?

Yes there really is no call for all the drama.

If the six year old is really determined to see the ceremony, I guess OP could take her to the church, but if children are not at the wedding, there really is no justification for her going along to more than that. As a pp pointed out, where does it stop. This child's sibling, that child because their sibling's dc was allowed. In the wedding party is a reasonable, clear line imo - and often children in the wedding party go home early anyway.

My parents used to go to lots of corporate events. Sometimes none of us were asked, sometimes there was an age cut off, and dc were asked above a certain age to things like Goodwood. But we just accepted as children sometimes you are asked and sometimes you are not. I'm not scarred ...

Hardly. Sisters don’t have to share the proverbial spotlight with one another at all times, as if they’re not individuals in their own rights.

I’m sure there will be days when it’s the 6 year old’s turn to be the centre of attention. This really doesn’t have to be the big deal it’s being spun as.

"You will need.." Really? who died and made you Ettiquette Queen

She does not need to.

She may decide to, she may decide not to. Her husband can handle dressing a 9-y-o.

This is just another consequence of the Miserable Couples' thoughtless decision.

Funny, isn't it how, for some posters the being-a-bridesmaid is such a big thing that the poor 9-y-o can't have the offer taken away from - she'd be sooooo disappointed - and her mother absolutely must be there to witness this momentous occasion in her DD's life.

But - when it is raised that the 6-y-o might have hurt feelings at being excluded from this spectacle of wonderment, the same posters just have her being packet off to grandma's with 50p for the cinema.

What is it about weddings that turns people into such arseholes? How could anybody genuinely think that it is fine to ask one child to be their bridesmaid and then invite both parents, to the wedding but not the bridesmaid's sibling. What a horrible thing to do. Children are not fashion accessories.

OP - I'd tell them to stuff it.

That is why the situation is so unfair. Either way one child or one adult misses out. There is no situation where everyone is happy. Just thoughtlessness from B&G. The fact is 99% of people would never even conceive to invite half a family. Wouldn’t even cross their minds to do so.

Is it shit? Absolutely! But I really wouldn't pull the 9 year old out now. I fact I think that would be cruel. If she'd told her godparents not to invite her sister, absolutely, but I presume she hasn't! Really unfair to pull her out because her godparents are being mean to her sister. Can one of you got to the wedding with the 9 year old and one take the 6 year to do something fun?

Weddings are supposed to be about the uniting of two families.

@Notmotherofflowergirls
I wouldn’t go obviously
I also wouldn’t care
I also would’ve liked the full information before agreeing to eldest being bridesmaid
H would also agree - we come as a family of 4 or one representative adult if need be
we do not come as a split half a family
That is our choice

We definitely cherry picked with which kids were invited to our wedding but we never excluded half of a family. Either all the kids in the family unit were invited or none. And we had very few, only those of very very close friends who we knew would behave.

See I still feel.like the answer here is a discrete non accusatory conversation with the couple.
'We really appreciate dd1 and the rest of the family being invited but because of the ages of the two daughters it's left us with a torturous situation'- 'could we have a compromise where she just comes along for the service and the dancing afterwards?' She's at the age where she will feel.left out? "
They shouldn't have to worry about the reactions of others at their own wedding, because they choose not to disappoint a child. I think people will either not notice or will get it.

Probably an unpopular opinion but I really don’t understand child-free weddings…do people just know rogue children? Children are part of the family. Maybe it’s our family culture but we take ours everywhere with us, including to see a band or to a festival. Including babies. They have to behave. No running around, sit and eat properly, dance nicely and enjoy family company. If they need to go to bed early we would either let them sleep on us or in a pram. It makes for very difficult decisions amongst families excluding children (or in this case excluding one!)

There’s a reason child free weddings are increasingly popular - it’s because most people think children at weddings are a pain in the arse.

Any child who's every been to a party ...whilst siblings weren't invited?

Any adult invited to an award ceremony where relatives arent invited?

Any family member who's invited to a graduation but learns only 2 tickets are available so choices have to be made.

It's life...this isn't a whole family party

No it just excludes one of the family! It doesn’t include just one, as your examples do, it invites three to share the joy and memories and excludes one!

Poor show!