One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Check out my username. I clearly have a problem.

Two years ago my brother got married and the wedding was child free but my sister-in-law’s cousin’s children were flower girls; mine were not invited. I was very, very upset.

Now my problem is one of my daughters who is 9 has actually been asked to be a bridesmaid for her Godfather’s bride. We have agreed and my daughter knows about it.

When my husband told me I was of course pleased but knew my six year old would be jealous, but it was a learning opportunity, they don’t have to do the same things, her Godfather was already married when she was born yada yada. She definitely has come to terms with it.

It now emerges that she isn’t invited. Child free apart from wedding party, just like my brother’s. Two of the other children in the wedding party also have siblings who are not invited.

I can’t believe what wedding culture has become.

I am not leaving her with anyone I will have to miss wedding.

I think this is really tricky.
is the godfather close with you or your husband originally?
If it's your husband then maybe he can go with your 9 yo and help her get ready.
you can have a day out with the 6 yo?

I'm a fully single mum so I don't really get all the upset around having to do everything together all the time. The kids will be ok if you and your DH frame it in an ok way.

Hope it works out x

OP has said her six year old WILL mind. Everyone saying kids find weddings boring are mad, kids have a whale of a time at weddings. Little girls especially, love it! Yes yes yes I appreciate not all girls, but my daughter would be distraught at seeing her Dad and sister head off to a wedding in their finery whilst I took her to Alton Towers or Legoland. It just wouldn’t cut it.

It’s shit because A, you and your daughter can’t go. And B, you’ll miss seeing the older DD be a bridesmaid.

It’s a really crappy situation they have put you in.

Are you on touch with the other flower girls parents who are in the same position, @Notmotherofflowergirls ? If be interested in how they're managing the situation.

Why would you put this to your eldest daughter as being her sisters fault?!!! When it isn’t for a start and for another you will cause unpleasant unnecessary feelings between them!
the problem is being caused by your “friends” who I’d put it to them that tjeu will cause upset between the two sisters if your youngest one isn’t even invited so they either have both children or neither! And also make it clear to your 9 year old that the situation these people have put you in is wrong but that as a sister she needs to be backing up her sister and NOT randoms!

A 9-y-o wanting both her parents there to see her being a bridesmaid, and f@ck what her younger sister thinks of being left out, is a Bridezilla in the making.

If she does, that is the point where you tell her not to be so selfish and to think of her sister being left out.

Well you said 'but in this case it should have been the family unit or just the adults'

Yes, the Miserable Couple have chucked a hand grenade into this family's life but are oblivious to the fact.

Is that an option? Could your Mum look after your 6 year old?

You said
I am not leaving her with anyone I will have to miss wedding.
Do you literally never leave your children with anyone else ever? Not even a GP?

You do sound like you are being a bit over dramatic about this. Potentially your 6 year old could have a lovely time being centre of Grandma's attention for the day and you won't be spoiling the day at all for your 9byear old by not being there for her.

Not blackmail. Negotiation. They want one of your daughters to perform on their big day, but intend to exclude your younger one. Causing problems for you as a family logistical, emotional, ethical. You point this out and make a counter offer. They reconsider, or don't.

They are doing the no children rule for everyone but the bridal party. This is fair

not read the full thread (I know) but know what will be repeated about this being unfair

what happens, as it will, oldest child gets invited to party and the younger one not, you all just going to rock up?

it’s the eldests god father. Just let them enjoy the day and not make it about you and your 6 year old

There is no custom of inviting friends families to your birthday party and instead of celebrating their birthday celebrating the bonds of marriage and family. These are different types of ‘parties’.

No there really isn’t and is down to the people holding the event

Kids birthday parties and wedding are two totally different events and most people have different expectations around invitations to them. Most wedding invites don’t exclude members of the same family even if one child is a bridesmaid whereas kids parties are usually for direct friends school mates etc.

No don’t be ridiculous. The 6 yo has done nothing wrong, the 9yo will know that.
Any resentment will be at the bride and groom who’ve been unfair in not including both children. Weddings aren’t actually much fun for kids anyway.

I would cancel your eldest child’s involvement op (not too late} and go somewhere super fun and special as a family instead. Legoland, the zoo etc.

Now if it had been either of my DDs they wouldn't dream of " backing each other up" no matter what the situation. And they'd be very quick to blame the other for anything. I really couldn't imagine getting away with saying something like that without WW3

I resented my brother big time because I wasn't allowed to eat something because " he was too young for it and it wouldn't be fair" can still remember it over 50 years later.

Realistically it wasn't his fault he was younger admittedly

If your DH is the connection to the bride and groom then I think he should be the person to stay with your 6 year old and you go with your eldest OP. If the B&G ask why he isn’t attending he will have to tell them why he isn’t able to go.

I imagine the groom thought you’d be upset if he didnt invite his god daughter to be a bridesmaid. His relationship is with her not her sibling.

Please be there for your eldest and youngest will be fine with grandma. Honestly your making this a big deal when it doesn't need to be. 6yr old will get over it and if you frame it as a good thing she will be fine. Your projecting and making this a huge deal.

NO its not too late. You explain to your daughter that due to issues you didn't know about which is really unfair on the family, unfortunately they cannot be a bridesmaid!

Had the bride and groom told you that when uour eldest was asked eould uou have agreed?? No. And that is why they DIDNT mention it at the time.

There is another option. You discuss this with the couple who may well be oblivious. Point out it's an impossible situation..maybe offer to pay the place for your other daughter? That ought to set them thinking.

Or it just didn’t occur to them that this would be an issue.

The relationship between the couple and the 9 year old is independent of any relationship with the 6 year old. She’s excited about the wedding, and her role in it. It’s unlikely that she’ll just smile and nod at being denied this because that’s how you think she should respond.

Oh I don’t agree. I am the eldest cousin on both sides. I have 50 first cousins. Some were really small kids when I got married. I did not want 50 kids at my wedding. But I did have my god daughter as a flower girl and her other 3 siblings were not at the wedding as if I had to ask them I would have had to ask all other cousins. There was no issue. I am over 20 years married now in the last few years these kids are getting married and it is the norm to ask one cousin from each house.