One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Check out my username. I clearly have a problem.

Two years ago my brother got married and the wedding was child free but my sister-in-law’s cousin’s children were flower girls; mine were not invited. I was very, very upset.

Now my problem is one of my daughters who is 9 has actually been asked to be a bridesmaid for her Godfather’s bride. We have agreed and my daughter knows about it.

When my husband told me I was of course pleased but knew my six year old would be jealous, but it was a learning opportunity, they don’t have to do the same things, her Godfather was already married when she was born yada yada. She definitely has come to terms with it.

It now emerges that she isn’t invited. Child free apart from wedding party, just like my brother’s. Two of the other children in the wedding party also have siblings who are not invited.

I can’t believe what wedding culture has become.

I am not leaving her with anyone I will have to miss wedding.

@Notmotherofflowergirls

Have you actually checked with the godfather that your daughter is attending the entire wedding day? I know it sounds daft, but other posters make a good point. After the ceremony and photos will she be expected to leave, so they can have the childfree event they obviously want.

What about the other child? It's not their godparent. .

i can understand wanting both parents to see you be a bridesmaid but if your sibling was not included in the wedding i think i'd understand that compromise was needed and one parent being with there would be the compromise.

I have described a big, traditional white wedding. They normally consist of people getting dressed up, dancing to really well known songs and singing and partying with family. Whether your budget is 5k and you’re doing it the local social club or your budget is 500k and your doing it in St Tropez, that’s what happens. Either way six year old girls will love it.

I didn’t describe a Disney wedding, just a wedding. Maybe the wedding in question is a more unconventional affair and is goth themed, but in the main, little girls love getting dressed up and dancing. Shame the little girl in question is the only one in her family excluded.

She’s 9 not 19. I am not sure she will be bothered but it is amazing how many people have memories of things like this from childhood. I, personally, would be upset if both my parents hadn’t been there but I understand that other children wouldn’t have cared. My dad missed a concert of mine when I was about 11 and I still remember him not being there to this day

Yes, that's true that you described a typical wedding, but my point was more that the point of the wedding isn't about 6 year olds having "family and friends making a fuss of her." That's a child's event, and if the bride and groom feel they style they want doesn't involve 6 year olds "sitting at a posh grown up table" I think that's fair enough personally.

Also nothing wrong with it if that's the vibe they do want.

If OP also attends the wedding to watch her 9-year old be a bridesmaid, I'm sure that her 6 year old sister will always remember the day her parents and sister had a lovely day at a wedding without her. It can't all be about the 9-year old. Her sister is as important so OP should decline the invitation and do someone nice with her younger daughter.

Whinge

All of the wedding party are there all day. The bride went through the menu with eldest herself.

Another thing has just occurred to me. The wedding is at 3:00 so if I am having a day out with youngest I won’t be able to help get eldest get ready or see her in her dress.

This has just occurred to me typing this.

Clearly not good at anticipating things.

Just wondering if it is a church wedding OP? If so, the church service part of it is generally seen as open to all (there were certainly some people at our church service who were just regular members of the congregation if I recall correctly), and you could attend that part with DD2 and both enjoy seeing DD1 being a bridesmaid before going off to do your own thing for the rest of the afternoon/evening.

Declaring a commitment to each other in front of family and friends who are there to support them in keeping that commitment. And a joyous celebration too. Eh, weddings have changed so much since my day.

You are right about friends. Family and friends. Friends and family. And family are often made up of adults and kids.

Can you not go the wedding, leave the youngest with you mum and then on a separate day leave your eldest with you mum and do something with the 6 year old. That way they both get a day.

I can’t imagine leaving one member of a family unit out as I a have previously said but it’s happening so make the best of it.

We agree it’s awful. I don’t agree that the others don’t attend the wedding

This is a really unfair take. It's the fault of the couple doing the inviting.

Anyway, if the older sister needs her mother to be there to see it, surely she'll be upset that her sister won't be there to see her either? Or is the sister so unimportant in the family that her presence or absence is irrelevant?

This is ridiculous.
You cannot deprive 9yo of her big day. It is probably the only time she will be a bridesmaid. People don't get married nowadays. Probably because it's too much hassle.
She knows the menu and everything. If possible, by all means take the younger child to the ceremony. Just explain that the rest of the day is boring and for grown ups. Doesn't anyone on mn ever tell their kids this?
Include her in helping to get big sister ready. If she is allowed at ceremony buy her a nice dress to wear.
Then, either mum and young child go home. Or youngest goes to granny or someone.

I can appreciate that maybe the bride doesn't want kids playing up during the ceremony. I have seen toddlers do this. Surely, a 6 year old wouldn't.
2 anecdotes: I was asked if I was having page boys at my wedding. I replied ' no I can't stand page boys' . Ages later I realised that the person who asked, wanted her son to be page boy. It had never entered my head.
2) I wasn't a bridesmaid at a family wedding. My cousin the same age was, my sister was. I was told I wasn't because I wasn't girly enough. I was always wearing jeans.
Brides can be thoughtless. Life isn't fair. Deal with it.

No I couldn’t leave one of my children at home while the rest of us went as a family to celebrate a wedding. I found it challenging enough when my mother in law got married and didn’t invite her grandchildren (3,8,18)

I’d be declining the invitation and teaching your DD who is invited that you never leave family out, especially children.

You can’t bring a 6-year old to a wedding she’s not invited to!
OP’s DH already queried the invitation.

I mean, officially churches are open to all (is the ceremony in a church?) but from a social etiquette point of view it would be really odd for OP and DD6 to turn up, unless it was the bride and groom’s suggestion that they do.

I was asked if I was having page boys at my wedding. I replied ' no I can't stand page boys' . Ages later I realised that the person who asked, wanted her son to be page boy. It had never entered my head.

Off-topic, but you can't stand page boys? Eh?

Even worse for your poor 6 year old if you let this happen. She’s not going to the wedding and will be stuck in the house all day as by the time you get 9 year old ready it will be too late to do anything decent. Her memories of today and her exclusion from all the fun and her disappointment will be with her a long time. Far better to bin the day off and do something great with both. You can lie and say wedding cancelled as quite frankly going forward you should have nothing to do with bride and groom as they have demonstrated a complete lack of care for one of your children. Will there be other occasions in future where they sideline your little one as she’s not their goddaughter? How will this make her feel? These religious people seem to lack any empathy.

But its not too late.
I would tell the bride to be that this is not acceptable for you see what they say if they dont change their mind at least to let the other one attend I would pull out altogether.

Yes your daughter will be disappointed but explain to her your reasons.

Yeah, always a good idea to try to blackmail the people getting married into changing their guest policy.

It’s not blackmail, it’s teaching your children, that you’re a family and you look out for each other.

It’s juvenile histrionics.

I'm with you on this. They're 'about' whatever they happen to mean to the couple getting married. Aside from the legal convention of a couple making a formal commitment, if it's not my wedding, I don't get to get to dictate what other social contracts govern what the event should or shouldn't mean.

A PP upthread commented that child-free weddings are the future and people will simply have to get used to it. Fair. If a couple wants to host a child-free wedding, it's 'their wedding their choice' to invite whoever they want. But if a child-free wedding, or destination wedding or whatever, causes some invited guests unnecessary family angst, money or inconvenience, it's also entirely their choice as to whether or not they accept. The bride and groom don't get to dictate the terms on which people accept or decline. Not unless, that is, they want to kick up a big old fuss and demand the world bends to their will. Unfortunately, this has rather a nasty habit of not turning out well.

Weddings just don't merit the kind of hot air they sometimes generate. A kid not being invited isn't the end of the world, and neither is OP's non-attendance.

It's just a wedding.