AIBU? This is affecting my marriage & mental health & I don’t know what to do 🥺💔

[Aintgottimeforthat]

Hi guys,

THANK YOU, straight away, for taking the time to read this….🥹
I really need your thoughts/advice….. please 🙏🏻

I’ll try to keep it as short as possible.

2nd marriage.

I have a G15 (Autistic - high functioning) and a B12 from my first marriage (Dad and I were together for over 12yrs)
50/50% shared custody.

Met the 2nd Husband.
Met Jan 2020, married December 2023.
He has a 22yr old son from his 1st marriage.
Mom wasn’t really in the picture (more interested in work and friends) so hubby near enough “raised” his son on his own (His ex wife had done this with previous kids too - some being given up for adoption etc) #redflag

My husband left her because she just couldn’t be bothered with him or the son basically. She left the marital home, and I don’t even know if she’s kept in contact with her son….

So I met “Jake” the Stepson (Let’s use that name) when he was about 16yrs old.

NEVER left his room. Wasn’t able to fully complete school coz he was caught doing final exams during Covid.
Games 24/7.
Only comes out his room for food, etc.
Wont say hello or acknowledge anyone unless you speak first. And then it’s a grunt or “Yo!”
Really tried for 6 years to engage - but no change. He does the same with my kids - regardless of how much they try to interact with him.
Yes, I think he has Depression and his Dad has acknowledged too that something is probs going on.(BTW - it took about 5yrs for dad to accept this observation too, with my constant feedback) Jake refuses to have therapy - doesn’t think he needs it even though he’s admitted he has severe social anxiety and agoraphobia.
He cannot do his shopping on his own as this challenges/scares him too much.
We've only just gotten over the hurdle of his personal care and BO. I used to be able to smell it from OUTSIDE his bedroom.
Theres a lot going on there (I appreciate that - I have depression too, so can relate) and I’ve tried to be patient/kind with him - but he is lazy, rude, thoughtless and self entitled.
He is not innately malicious, or unkind…. - it’s just how he’s been “raised” by his Dad.
Thoughtless and entirely self absorbed (he lives in his own bubble) and Dad, my hubby, is his Enabler.

Won’t/Can’t discipline him, because he’s “an adult now” even though he’s still living under our roof.
Hadn’t been able to/refused to get a job up until 6 months ago when dad “created” a role for him within his company. Dad drives him in and brings him home, but miraculously he is able to function on his own at work to do whatever job it is they have him doing - I think it’s CAD (computer aided design)
Back home, and back into his room. Gaming. Every day.
I’ve spoken to the hubby about how my kids probably look up to him, and it would be wonderful if he was a good example for them. See what it means to “adult” be responsible etc.

I expect Jake, at 22yrs old, to tidy up after himself & be responsible for himself. An important lesson for when he hopefully moves out and lives on his own/or with a partner/friend.
These habits of being clean, tidying up after himself, helping around the house should already be in place/the norm, because he is 22 now.

If they’re not - he’s behind, and Dad must encourage/teach him this.

So, if I mention that his son is being untidy, won’t load/unload the dishwasher etc the hubby then says my kids “do the same”

Or we do (the parents of the house)
Yes, this is true sometimes, but

1. we’re the parents & it’s something we have asked Jake to do (also because out of all of us he is home the most of the time!)
2. my kids are still CHILDREN, one with a diagnosed neurological difference and they are still learning. They are also only here 50% of the time because of the shared custody agreement.

The hubby thinks that anything I expect of his 22yr old son - I must expect the same from my two kids.

I appreciate, and know that I can’t let my kids get away with stuff just because of their age/autism, but I think at times they can have more grace than his son, who should know/act better, and is just lazy/thoughtless

Hubby thinks there is no difference.

I disagree.

Your thoughts?

He just makes excuses for his son, and continues enabling him. He’s confessed he wasn’t the best/isn’t the best Dad, and that guilt has made him mentally and emotionally impotent with regards to parenting his son.

He have been having the same argument, round and round, for 6 years!
I no longer speak to my Mom because I defended my husband regarding an issue with his son (my mom WAS is the wrong - she was very disrespectful to hubby) so I CHOSE my husband.
I supported him. And I no longer have a mom because of that - she disowned me.

And it’s like hubby’s forgotten that.

I have no one in my life now. No family. Nothing.

Yet the hubby refuses to side with ME. Stand with ME, even though 90% of the issues his son has, the hubby has agreed with me on.

The final straw the other day - arguing about the same thing - he says, “ I’m not helping you raise your kids” and he said that because he feels I don’t listen to his perspective regarding them. He appreciates that’s my prerogative as their Mother, but wtf does he think he’s been doing with us for the last six years?? 🥺😣💔💔💔
(Kids care for him very much, and he has been very good to them)

I burst into tears when he said that, and had to cover my mouth to stop crying out loud.Normally I’d just walk away (that’s what I’ve always done - but I want to change/be better) and I calmed myself down to try continue the conversation. He didn’t move. No words, no hug. Nothing.
Broke my heart.

I now feel there is no point talking to him or confiding in him. It’s just me and my kids.
There is a massive void, and I don’t know if it’s repairable.
I love him, but I just don’t understand his mentality. And he is clearly unable and unwilling to step up mentally/emotionally where I need him.

We haven’t been speaking for about two weeks now. He asked me once if I wanted company or to be left alone. Another time he asked if I was still angry with him. I said no - not angry (just fecking heartbroken and disappointed!!!)

I cant continue like this - my mental health is on the floor as I feel completely alone. Alone, and very, very sad….
If I didn’t have my kids - I’d be gone.

He is a good man, he just cannot/wont step up, and/or grow WITH me as a person/man/couple….

AIBU? Am I the problem? 🥺😣😢
Thank you for your thoughts xxxx 💖💖💖💖💖

So he's now being banished to a glorified shed? I mean that's really going to help improve his mental health.

Yeah that'll help, move into the guy's home and then throw him out into the garden when the newcomers expectations aren't met. Wtf 🙄

Not everyone has the money or space to simply build a "garden room"!

And how exactly does that help? Won't he just sit in that and game instead of his room? But with the added feelings of resentment that he has been basically ousted from the house and popped into the garden like the annoyance he clearly is...

What a mess;

If Jake has been like this for 6 years he desperately needs some help and his father needs to instigate that and should have done way before now. The fact he seems to be quite blatantly ignoring this is a huge red flag as to the sort of person he is and the whole situation sounds awful for Jake but not ideal for you either.

i never understand why people force a blended family situation and upset both sets of kids. Surely you should have considered this before moving in and getting married.

you have to ask what is ANYONE getting from this set up?

answer - absolutely nothing

do the right thing and leave with your kids, try to re-build your relationship with your mum (who has clearly identified what a shit show this is and checked out - can’t blame her!)

I agree.
It is amazing ( not saying the OP is like this) how some people can behave if a new man comes into their lives. I once watched a programme where a mum was literally handing her child over to social services because she wanted to live with her new bloke but he didn’t want her child. She told her son ‘it was for the best’.
This was years ago but appalling to watch. The child looked utterly distraught which is not surprising. Dreadful woman.

If you got Jake to change the bo and cleanliness thing then anything can be done with you all working at it, while your children obviously have autism, they should get to a place where they’ve the same expectations too otherwise there’s nothing to work towards. We’ve had hell here trying to get people to help out but now expectation is up, shower, dressed, make bed open window, room tidy, put away after you when eating, unload dishwasher if full, don’t leave stuff lying about. Am teaching all use of the washing machine to throw a load in if they can but after that I think it’s the parents’ job personally or I’ll ask them to help take it out, put it up on line etc

I always say on these threads even adult kids who act like this and live in their room need to be brought back to being treated like kids, more family time being introduced with bribes of favourite food or activities, having them help more, baking sitting with them the odd time as they watch YouTube/ fortnite, I show ds funny memes so he’ll show me some TikTok’s, bringing them places you need their ‘help’ at (eg we need to go to buy fuel can you help me lift it?’ etc. There needs to be fun times, laughs etc, he needs to see there’s more to life.

Saying that I also think you need to see if you think this is working

How can you even be remotely attracted to a man who is enabling his young adult son to literally rot away in a bedroom? If that lad was 14/15, this could be considered neglectful behaviour by your DH.

Please for the sake of your children get these two men out of your home before their apathy infects them too.

I feel sorry for your kids.

I think until we've got the additional information that posters are asking for clarification on we are just guessing and some people are taking against the OP completely unfairly - expecting the 12 and 15 year old kids to do more than the 22 year old; well if you are too affected by neurodiversity at 22 to put stuff in the dishwasher then how come at 12 and 15 you are expected to be able to do it? Oh and lets not forget the OP must be a nag.

The thing that stood out to me in OP's posts was this constant "he's a good man" stuff, well I think the jury is out on that one so let's get the rest of the information and get this picture clear.

I think we need to establish whose home it is first, but usually I'd say you are right.

I think your view about if the step son wasn't around probably leaks out unintentionally in all your interactions.

I feel for your DH getting the silent treatment, applaud his getting his son working and agree your children should be asked the same as his son.

I think you come across as controlling and wanting to force a choice between marriage and his son which is awful.

This is a young man who by your own account has been abandoned by his mother and then his father moved him to live with another family...maybe he is trying to heal that grief

Why did you marry a man who crippled his son with his bad parenting? That was your only mistake, nothing else to question here. Rectify it before he cripples you and your children with his proximity.

I think your DH could be right.
If you, he and your DC aren't cleaning up after yourselves, why is all the heat on Stepson? Why is he expected to be a role model for your DC? That's your job go be a role model for them.
You talk very negatively of your step son, lazy, rude, thoughtless, self-absorbed. All common labels for ND people, he's obviously experienced trauma with his mum abandoning him, you recognise he is depressed, yet you still think allowances should be made for your autistic DD but not for your step-son.
I wonder of your projecting all your issues with yourself, your DH and your DC onto your stepson.

Too many of these lads as you describe OP. Absolute drips, don’t offer anything to society. His Dad had failed him miserably.

For all the reasons you describe, I’d be gone.

As I said up thread, my DS has anxiety and OCD. ( the NHS has been rubbish BTW) Even a small improvement I tell him that he's doing brilliantly
Even something totally normal like changing bedding and putting it in the washing machine, I say thanks and that he's done well. For him that's a big step. And it is.
Not getting the younger children to do anything is bad for them. It doesn't matter if the oldest has to be cajoled or praised to do it,the younger ones should also be doing something. They can be thanked/praised too. It's not a question of the older doesn't so the younger shouldn't either, it's encouraging them all to try.

And countless men do the same when another woman comes on the scene!

The kids involved don't choose these situations yet have to adapt to living with people they aren't related to and might not even like that much.
This sounds like a bit of mess from the information we've been given and it doesn't sound happy or pleasant for anyone.

But a 22 year old should still be welcome to live in their own home as long as they need to. So many young people are these days with rents being so high & jobs scarce.
This 22 year old needs love and support because he is clearly unhappy & struggling to move into adult hood. He should be out with mates not just gaming in his room and obviously he should he helping out around the house.

Does he have any friends? Is he depressed?
Is he ND do you think?

Your dc are also there being messy and not cleaning up after themselves, and aren’t expected to by you. Honestly can’t see how this set up is beneficial to anyone.

this, as pp no wonder he hides in his room, it seems very much that you see it as your and your dc home, funded by his dad, and he’s just in the way.

This also, by being a “role model” do you mean you’re annoyed he’s not tidying up after your teenagers?

If you focus on the positives for your stepson, he does have a job, sounds like something he is interested in (and will therefore do well at) - that’s a good start.

A lot of the things you have mentioned to me about your stepson does sound like he is ND and as you know that involves a different kind of parenting. Small steps and what I have found helpful is giving them a degree of control so they don’t feel forced into doing things.

It sounds like your stepson had a rough start to life if his Mum didn’t care about him. I wouldn’t pin all of this on your DH’s parenting, maybe some of it hasn’t helped but it sounds like your step son has got some complex issues going on.

@Aintgottimeforthat do you realise you have changed 'Jake's' name 3/4 the way down for another one? You might want to edit?

This is the only thing we argue about. If stepson wasn’t around - I’m sure there would never be any issues….

yet in your first post you say

he says, “ I’m not helping you raise your kids” and he said that because he feels I don’t listen to his perspective regarding them.

It sounds like you think it’s ok to say what you think about Jake and that you expect him to change his parenting based on your opinion but you don’t think the reverse applies. If it’s ok for you to say things about Jake then it should be ok for him to say stuff about your kids. If you tell him how he’s parenting “wrong” , then he should be allowed to do the same in an equal partnership. If your kids need to be excused for their issues then Jake needs to be excused for his issues.

I’m not saying that Jake doesn’t need help to develop into a functional adult but you are unreasonable to think that you can move into your partner’s house and demand that he changes. He is who he is and reading between the lines, it’s hard to tell if he’s telling you what you want to hear (agreeing with you) or really accepts he fucked up. Can’t you see that him and Jake are happy with the way things are? Any changes over time will be tiny and slow. You need to accept the way things are or move on or accept that you’ll be fighting them forever. It’s not healthy for anyone and the only way to change things is for you to leave.

OP, firstly, sorry to hear you are struggling. It sounds like you are very depressed at the moment. Would it be worth seeing your GP? Please speak to someone who can help - at times in your post it sounds like you might be considering harming yourself? Apologies if I have got that wrong.

Regarding your relationship, it does sound like your husband loves you, but loves his son more? And that is entirely normal, natural and right. He will always choose his son over you, as I woke expect him to. I am sure you would always choose your kids over him.

His son is an adult - he goes to work every day, so is doing better than many in terms of functioning/being a role model. In my experience it's normal for a young adult in their 20s still living at home to spend most of their time in their room.

He should clean up after himself/help with chores, but that needs to be something you agree on we a whole family I would say - perhaps you need a rota?

Your husband is right that you can't "discipline" a 22 year old adult, and I am not sure what you wpuld expect him to do regarding this.

But, you are struggling with depression, so it must be hard to unpick all these things and you have my sympathy. Please reach out and try to get the help you deserve. You don't have to feel like this forever!

Oh my days….. I guess I have to take the punches if I reached out asking for advice/help 🥺 feels like I’ve just been chewed up and spat out….

Thank you to those who replied with empathy & kindness - it is truly appreciated, as yes - I am really, really, really struggling….. 💔
(I am already on antidepressants)

To answer some of your questions.
Yes, I work. I contribute towards the house financially but DH does the bulk as he earns much more than I do.

I moved into DH’s house. It’s what he wanted/we agreed on.

I have had therapy, lots - but cannot afford to have solo counselling going forwards - there are too many other expenses.

I don’t want to walk away from a 2nd marriage without trying. I left the first marriage, because I was desperately unhappy…..I was a fawning people pleaser, and my 1st husband took full advantage of that. I didn’t stand up for myself/advocate for myself etc. I bottled things up and thought by talking/challenging, I’d be “nagging”
So now - I talk! (Well, not for the past couple days as I’m just completely emotionally and mentally exhausted)

What other questions were there? 🤔

@Aintgottimeforthat as I mentioned previously, please edit your original post - you changed Jake's name for the real/actual name of your stepson 3/4 the way down....