AIBU? This is affecting my marriage & mental health & I don’t know what to do 🥺💔

[Aintgottimeforthat]

Hi guys,

THANK YOU, straight away, for taking the time to read this….🥹
I really need your thoughts/advice….. please 🙏🏻

I’ll try to keep it as short as possible.

2nd marriage.

I have a G15 (Autistic - high functioning) and a B12 from my first marriage (Dad and I were together for over 12yrs)
50/50% shared custody.

Met the 2nd Husband.
Met Jan 2020, married December 2023.
He has a 22yr old son from his 1st marriage.
Mom wasn’t really in the picture (more interested in work and friends) so hubby near enough “raised” his son on his own (His ex wife had done this with previous kids too - some being given up for adoption etc) #redflag

My husband left her because she just couldn’t be bothered with him or the son basically. She left the marital home, and I don’t even know if she’s kept in contact with her son….

So I met “Jake” the Stepson (Let’s use that name) when he was about 16yrs old.

NEVER left his room. Wasn’t able to fully complete school coz he was caught doing final exams during Covid.
Games 24/7.
Only comes out his room for food, etc.
Wont say hello or acknowledge anyone unless you speak first. And then it’s a grunt or “Yo!”
Really tried for 6 years to engage - but no change. He does the same with my kids - regardless of how much they try to interact with him.
Yes, I think he has Depression and his Dad has acknowledged too that something is probs going on.(BTW - it took about 5yrs for dad to accept this observation too, with my constant feedback) Jake refuses to have therapy - doesn’t think he needs it even though he’s admitted he has severe social anxiety and agoraphobia.
He cannot do his shopping on his own as this challenges/scares him too much.
We've only just gotten over the hurdle of his personal care and BO. I used to be able to smell it from OUTSIDE his bedroom.
Theres a lot going on there (I appreciate that - I have depression too, so can relate) and I’ve tried to be patient/kind with him - but he is lazy, rude, thoughtless and self entitled.
He is not innately malicious, or unkind…. - it’s just how he’s been “raised” by his Dad.
Thoughtless and entirely self absorbed (he lives in his own bubble) and Dad, my hubby, is his Enabler.

Won’t/Can’t discipline him, because he’s “an adult now” even though he’s still living under our roof.
Hadn’t been able to/refused to get a job up until 6 months ago when dad “created” a role for him within his company. Dad drives him in and brings him home, but miraculously he is able to function on his own at work to do whatever job it is they have him doing - I think it’s CAD (computer aided design)
Back home, and back into his room. Gaming. Every day.
I’ve spoken to the hubby about how my kids probably look up to him, and it would be wonderful if he was a good example for them. See what it means to “adult” be responsible etc.

I expect Jake, at 22yrs old, to tidy up after himself & be responsible for himself. An important lesson for when he hopefully moves out and lives on his own/or with a partner/friend.
These habits of being clean, tidying up after himself, helping around the house should already be in place/the norm, because he is 22 now.

If they’re not - he’s behind, and Dad must encourage/teach him this.

So, if I mention that his son is being untidy, won’t load/unload the dishwasher etc the hubby then says my kids “do the same”

Or we do (the parents of the house)
Yes, this is true sometimes, but

1. we’re the parents & it’s something we have asked Jake to do (also because out of all of us he is home the most of the time!)
2. my kids are still CHILDREN, one with a diagnosed neurological difference and they are still learning. They are also only here 50% of the time because of the shared custody agreement.

The hubby thinks that anything I expect of his 22yr old son - I must expect the same from my two kids.

I appreciate, and know that I can’t let my kids get away with stuff just because of their age/autism, but I think at times they can have more grace than his son, who should know/act better, and is just lazy/thoughtless

Hubby thinks there is no difference.

I disagree.

Your thoughts?

He just makes excuses for his son, and continues enabling him. He’s confessed he wasn’t the best/isn’t the best Dad, and that guilt has made him mentally and emotionally impotent with regards to parenting his son.

He have been having the same argument, round and round, for 6 years!
I no longer speak to my Mom because I defended my husband regarding an issue with his son (my mom WAS is the wrong - she was very disrespectful to hubby) so I CHOSE my husband.
I supported him. And I no longer have a mom because of that - she disowned me.

And it’s like hubby’s forgotten that.

I have no one in my life now. No family. Nothing.

Yet the hubby refuses to side with ME. Stand with ME, even though 90% of the issues his son has, the hubby has agreed with me on.

The final straw the other day - arguing about the same thing - he says, “ I’m not helping you raise your kids” and he said that because he feels I don’t listen to his perspective regarding them. He appreciates that’s my prerogative as their Mother, but wtf does he think he’s been doing with us for the last six years?? 🥺😣💔💔💔
(Kids care for him very much, and he has been very good to them)

I burst into tears when he said that, and had to cover my mouth to stop crying out loud.Normally I’d just walk away (that’s what I’ve always done - but I want to change/be better) and I calmed myself down to try continue the conversation. He didn’t move. No words, no hug. Nothing.
Broke my heart.

I now feel there is no point talking to him or confiding in him. It’s just me and my kids.
There is a massive void, and I don’t know if it’s repairable.
I love him, but I just don’t understand his mentality. And he is clearly unable and unwilling to step up mentally/emotionally where I need him.

We haven’t been speaking for about two weeks now. He asked me once if I wanted company or to be left alone. Another time he asked if I was still angry with him. I said no - not angry (just fecking heartbroken and disappointed!!!)

I cant continue like this - my mental health is on the floor as I feel completely alone. Alone, and very, very sad….
If I didn’t have my kids - I’d be gone.

He is a good man, he just cannot/wont step up, and/or grow WITH me as a person/man/couple….

AIBU? Am I the problem? 🥺😣😢
Thank you for your thoughts xxxx 💖💖💖💖💖

Thank you. It doesn’t matter….. there is no one, no way I/it can be linked etc
😔

feels like I’ve just been chewed up and spat out

What part of what’s been said on this thread makes you feel that way?

You seem to have very dramatic reactions to things and even your use of language veers towards heightened emotions - the emojis, the exclamation points, the ‘I burst into tears when he said that, and had to cover my mouth to stop crying out loud’. Would you describe yourself as melodramatic? If so, do you think you might be overdramatising this situation?

And why exactly has your mum disowned you? Are you comfortable sharing a bit more detail?

You're coming across as a kind of controlling victim. You do sound like you nag and you harbour some kind of resentment towards Jake who has been all but abandoned by his mum and then had to deal with another woman and her kids moving into HIS HOME then trying to change him and how he lives to meet her (your) expectations but giving a pass to her equally lazy children. Surely you can see that would be really shit for him to deal with.

Did anyone discuss you moving in with him or was it a case of put up and shut up

I think you need to consider that if you moved into his house you can’t start throwing your weight around about his parenting when you are guilty of the same stuff you accuse him of. And if I was Jake and my dad moved in a highly emotional lady going through a divorce and her two young kids after my mum abandoned me, I would be spending a lot of time in my room and wouldn’t be mad keen on socialising with them.
Either accept Jake and have a deal with your DH that neither comments on the other’s parenting or move out and get your own place.

I asked you what specifically happens woth the dishwasher. Are you/your kids putting stuff on the side for his child to put in the dishwasher?

Someone else asked why your kids can't do it, especially as the expect their under 5s to help (noting your opening post says your kids are away 50% of the time, one has a neurological difficulty and that they are both CHILDREN).

Try not to look at is a punches, but rather a honest outside perspective that you can use to reflect on and improve the relationships in the family.

My kids DO help.
They have a rota.
If they “forget” they are made to do it as soon as possible, and if for example they don’t listen - there are consequences.
For example. 6:30pm - they have to give me their mobile phones every night. A while back, they’d “forget” and still have their phones at 9pm etc…. So the week after was a “no phone week” Teaching consequences.
The DH has told his son to do the cat potties in the house. Jake agreed to this. Sometimes the son forgets, so the DH just does it for him. No punishments, no consequences.
how is that parenting/helping him?
Just more enabling. And the rest of us have to live in a house where the cats will urinate frequently outside the box if the potty hasn’t been cleaned.
How is that fair? For the humans or the cats?
again, the son is at home the most out of all of us - he is able/free to monitor the potties - yet he is completely unreliable in doing this and we all have to live in a home stained/tainted with cat urine and the accompanying smell and damage (one corner, floorboards have started lifting)

Have you considered that Jake just doesn't like you and never has?
I don't say that to be mean but maybe he avoids you rather than just hides in his room.
How much time does he get to spend one to one with his father? Quality time I mean?

I think it's relevant that you met his dad when he was 16 and during Covid too which was a hard & confusing time for teenagers.

From his point of view, this woman he maybe didn't like that much was suddenly in his life trying to "fix him" plus bringing her younger kids into his life too.

It's a tough thing to blend families and expect the kids to just go along with it because it suits the adults.

I would back off from Jake & let your husband deal with him and encourage them to spend quality time together.

Focus on your own children and spending quality time with them away from your DH & Jake.
Jake isn't going to go anywhere soon nor does he have to, it's his home.
I think for all of your sakes, stop battling with trying to change him and focus on you, your kids and your relationship with your DH.

Dad and the son hardly spend any quality time together. They are both gamers. Hubby will be in the snug. Jake stays in his room. Different games too - so they can’t/wont even play together. The most time they “spend together” is probably the drive into work and back. It’s very sad.

Sorry but he’s 22 so punishment and consequences are a bit useless. Like will you take an adults phone off them? And how does that compute? Jake only “sometimes” forgets to do the litter trays and his dad then does them yet the cats urinate outside the tray so much that the floor is being damaged?

Who’s are the cats?

I’m guessing they’re not Jake’s…

It doesn't seem like you have to interact with SS very much, he goes to work, comes home and stays in his room. It does seem like he has some serious mental health problems and doesn't function properly in the real world. You are not going to win this battle SS is grown up, his dad probably feels very guilty about how difficult SS finds life and lets him do what he wants. I assume he's not violent or really difficult just not willing/able to contribute to home life.

You can just accept him as he is, as his dad does or drive yourself mad trying to change him or move out. Since you don't want to leave I would go with the first option. And let his dad deal with him and pick up the slack on the things his son won't do for himself.

This, it’s very clear that you really dislike Jake! Agree is grim that you are living in a situation where the cat situation is so bad.
what is exactly are the tasks you will do? Are you at home all day too?

Get an igloo cat litter. I've one for my cat. No chance of peeing on the floor. Still needs cleaning, obviously, but much more hygienic.

Was going to ask this myself. If shared family pets sure, everyone is responsible for the care and cleaning up after them. If OP brought them with her or got them as pets for her own DC, no way in hell would I designate the job of cleaning up their shite to someone uninvolved nor would I be happy to take the job on on behalf of someone else

Are they sad about it?

Surely one of you just need to clean out the litter tray once or twice a day, morning and evening, if they 'miss' you want a big washable mat underneath. If SS isn't reliable enough it has to be DH's job! You can hardly treat a 22 year old as a child. Does he pay rent? You could increase his rent to include other people looking after the cats assuming they are his and for him not helping out with the dishwasher, etc.

And yet you say your DH is "a good man".
The way he behaves & has behaved towards his son and your children seems to paint a different picture.

There is more to parenting than just providing a home, money & even a job. Your DH is failing his son and I don't see how you can call him "a good man". He doesn't sound like one to me.

I don't think OP is in the spot to insist on rent or rent increases when she moved into his house, that would be up to DH to discuss with Jake, OP has no skin in that game

I think this is all a bit late, Jake has serious mental health issues from when he was a child (you know he has been like this since he was 16), his mother leaving and being brought up by his dad as a single parent, his dad probably didn't recognise that he was withdrawing from the world. The problems weren't addressed in the past and he is now living in his little bubble of work and his room, and as an adult he won't agree to therapy, he is 'happy' how he is. It is very sad.

OK DH could increase his rent...

He could but imo it would be very inappropriate for OP to even "gently suggest" this

How do you expect your husband to change his son?

Jake is unlikely to leave and your DH will never make him so basically you have to put up with it or leave.