AIBU? This is affecting my marriage & mental health & I don’t know what to do 🥺💔

[Aintgottimeforthat]

Hi guys,

THANK YOU, straight away, for taking the time to read this….🥹
I really need your thoughts/advice….. please 🙏🏻

I’ll try to keep it as short as possible.

2nd marriage.

I have a G15 (Autistic - high functioning) and a B12 from my first marriage (Dad and I were together for over 12yrs)
50/50% shared custody.

Met the 2nd Husband.
Met Jan 2020, married December 2023.
He has a 22yr old son from his 1st marriage.
Mom wasn’t really in the picture (more interested in work and friends) so hubby near enough “raised” his son on his own (His ex wife had done this with previous kids too - some being given up for adoption etc) #redflag

My husband left her because she just couldn’t be bothered with him or the son basically. She left the marital home, and I don’t even know if she’s kept in contact with her son….

So I met “Jake” the Stepson (Let’s use that name) when he was about 16yrs old.

NEVER left his room. Wasn’t able to fully complete school coz he was caught doing final exams during Covid.
Games 24/7.
Only comes out his room for food, etc.
Wont say hello or acknowledge anyone unless you speak first. And then it’s a grunt or “Yo!”
Really tried for 6 years to engage - but no change. He does the same with my kids - regardless of how much they try to interact with him.
Yes, I think he has Depression and his Dad has acknowledged too that something is probs going on.(BTW - it took about 5yrs for dad to accept this observation too, with my constant feedback) Jake refuses to have therapy - doesn’t think he needs it even though he’s admitted he has severe social anxiety and agoraphobia.
He cannot do his shopping on his own as this challenges/scares him too much.
We've only just gotten over the hurdle of his personal care and BO. I used to be able to smell it from OUTSIDE his bedroom.
Theres a lot going on there (I appreciate that - I have depression too, so can relate) and I’ve tried to be patient/kind with him - but he is lazy, rude, thoughtless and self entitled.
He is not innately malicious, or unkind…. - it’s just how he’s been “raised” by his Dad.
Thoughtless and entirely self absorbed (he lives in his own bubble) and Dad, my hubby, is his Enabler.

Won’t/Can’t discipline him, because he’s “an adult now” even though he’s still living under our roof.
Hadn’t been able to/refused to get a job up until 6 months ago when dad “created” a role for him within his company. Dad drives him in and brings him home, but miraculously he is able to function on his own at work to do whatever job it is they have him doing - I think it’s CAD (computer aided design)
Back home, and back into his room. Gaming. Every day.
I’ve spoken to the hubby about how my kids probably look up to him, and it would be wonderful if he was a good example for them. See what it means to “adult” be responsible etc.

I expect Jake, at 22yrs old, to tidy up after himself & be responsible for himself. An important lesson for when he hopefully moves out and lives on his own/or with a partner/friend.
These habits of being clean, tidying up after himself, helping around the house should already be in place/the norm, because he is 22 now.

If they’re not - he’s behind, and Dad must encourage/teach him this.

So, if I mention that his son is being untidy, won’t load/unload the dishwasher etc the hubby then says my kids “do the same”

Or we do (the parents of the house)
Yes, this is true sometimes, but

1. we’re the parents & it’s something we have asked Jake to do (also because out of all of us he is home the most of the time!)
2. my kids are still CHILDREN, one with a diagnosed neurological difference and they are still learning. They are also only here 50% of the time because of the shared custody agreement.

The hubby thinks that anything I expect of his 22yr old son - I must expect the same from my two kids.

I appreciate, and know that I can’t let my kids get away with stuff just because of their age/autism, but I think at times they can have more grace than his son, who should know/act better, and is just lazy/thoughtless

Hubby thinks there is no difference.

I disagree.

Your thoughts?

He just makes excuses for his son, and continues enabling him. He’s confessed he wasn’t the best/isn’t the best Dad, and that guilt has made him mentally and emotionally impotent with regards to parenting his son.

He have been having the same argument, round and round, for 6 years!
I no longer speak to my Mom because I defended my husband regarding an issue with his son (my mom WAS is the wrong - she was very disrespectful to hubby) so I CHOSE my husband.
I supported him. And I no longer have a mom because of that - she disowned me.

And it’s like hubby’s forgotten that.

I have no one in my life now. No family. Nothing.

Yet the hubby refuses to side with ME. Stand with ME, even though 90% of the issues his son has, the hubby has agreed with me on.

The final straw the other day - arguing about the same thing - he says, “ I’m not helping you raise your kids” and he said that because he feels I don’t listen to his perspective regarding them. He appreciates that’s my prerogative as their Mother, but wtf does he think he’s been doing with us for the last six years?? 🥺😣💔💔💔
(Kids care for him very much, and he has been very good to them)

I burst into tears when he said that, and had to cover my mouth to stop crying out loud.Normally I’d just walk away (that’s what I’ve always done - but I want to change/be better) and I calmed myself down to try continue the conversation. He didn’t move. No words, no hug. Nothing.
Broke my heart.

I now feel there is no point talking to him or confiding in him. It’s just me and my kids.
There is a massive void, and I don’t know if it’s repairable.
I love him, but I just don’t understand his mentality. And he is clearly unable and unwilling to step up mentally/emotionally where I need him.

We haven’t been speaking for about two weeks now. He asked me once if I wanted company or to be left alone. Another time he asked if I was still angry with him. I said no - not angry (just fecking heartbroken and disappointed!!!)

I cant continue like this - my mental health is on the floor as I feel completely alone. Alone, and very, very sad….
If I didn’t have my kids - I’d be gone.

He is a good man, he just cannot/wont step up, and/or grow WITH me as a person/man/couple….

AIBU? Am I the problem? 🥺😣😢
Thank you for your thoughts xxxx 💖💖💖💖💖

You're giving your own child latitude because they aren't neuro typical but you're making zero allowances for a young man who has clearly quite significant problems. Somebody needs to persuade him to seek help - either you or DH - for his sake if not the rest of the family's.
You expect to have a say in DSS's upbringing but also expect to be the decision-maker regarding your own children (apologies if I've misunderstood that point, it wasn't too clear).
Finally, why are you financially dependent? Do you not have an income of your own?
You need to talk about these really important issues with your DP, either alone or with a trained professional.
You may decide you can't tolerate DH's passivity but equally his behaviour may change a little when you iron out some of the forces at in your relationship.

You’ve slipped up in your op and used his real name I think.

Realistically don't expect anyone to change..

Worst case scenario 22yo never becomes independent or moves out. He could be there forever. The gaming and laziness would drive me nuts.

The fact your own kids are also lazy is not great. I have to constantly chivy my kids, age 12 and 16, into action. It's exhausting I now.

I would give ultimatum to DH. Go to counselling together to move forward or you split.

A very long read two week youve let go by without talking
Your finacially reliant and you find the son irritating and in your space .
Your expectstions of him despite his current state are high much higher than whst you expect from your children .
Get out now if you dont see yourself living in this situation in the next 10 years .I do so hope he gets the support needed.His father loves him just the way you love yours.

'Jake' sounds a lot like my Autistic 16 year old son...Are You sure 'Jake' isn't also Neurodiverse? You say he's been like this for 6 years and i would hazard a guess he was like it longer than that as well.

My son was diagnosed at 16 so whilst we've all known since he was 2, we've only had the diagnosis for 6 months.

There's a lot missing from this. Firstly whose house is it? Did you move into DHs home or did he move into yours?
What do you do all day? Do you work?
Do you not think that the stepson actually going to work, even if it's a job made for him, is a positive move? If he has anxiety, agoraphobia then he should have treatment, but surely just leaving the house is progress?
Do you not think that it's one small step at a time, but you seem to want him to suddenly become a 22 year old with no issues at all. That's not going to happen is it? He's been abandoned by his mother apparently, how much damage did that cause?
FWIW I live with an an adult child who also has severe anxiety, if he makes a tiny bit of progress I'm happy. Maybe he will always be a work in progress, but if makes an effort, if he tries, if there's a small improvement that's fine.
If you can't think of it that way, then maybe you should make arrangements to leave because your DH isn't going to abandon his son is he?

I bled all over him, but he stuck around - even though I pushed him away countless times….I don’t know how many men would do that…

Where you having sex with him during this time? Or was there the implied possibility of sex in the near future?
Because men (in general) have an astonishing ability to ignore or put up with a woman's emotions if they are getting sex.

Yes, finances are a big issue.
Finances are very rarely a good reason not to end a bad marriage.

Bottom line - you cannot change your DH or his son. It is not possible to make other people change.
So, your choices are to stay in this situation as it is, or split up.

I agree there's a lot missing. On the face of it, yes of course a 22 year old should be doing more. But he's had significant disruption in his life, been abandoned by his mum and has severe mental health difficulties. This isn't going to resolve itself overnight.

But yet you seem to use excuses for your kids. Your kids are at a perfect age, autism or not to start learning to do chores and build independence skills in them.

But you also need to examine your own reactions to things. Going NC with your mum seems a very drastic step to take. Did you used to get on? And not speaking to your husband as well, isn't the most mature or productive way to address concerns.

I mean the lad does work, apart from never helping with chores he just shuts himself away in his room. The sort of childhood he has had it’s no surprise he has issues.

Your DH has a huge point that your children should be helping as well.

Refusing to speak for two weeks to your husband is abuse. It’s classed as this, I used to volunteer with a DV charity and abuse isn’t just physical.

You are not coming across well and I tend to naturally side with women.

I voted YABU as there shouldn't be a two-tier system between your kids and his. All chores / expectations should be shared between all kids. The only difference I'd expect from the 22yo is rent.

You are the problem in the sense that you expected your partner and stepson to change for you. While YANBU yo think that he’s wasting his life in his room and shouldn’t need telling to do self care, as a mum to 2 ND children, I’m surprised that you didn’t suspect some sort of difference there. You shouldn’t have moved in until your partner started actively parenting because Jake will be living with his dad and financially dependent on him for life.

Not sure how autism prevents your kids from using a dishwasher etc I have a son with ADHD and loading/unloading dishwashers is something he’s been doing since toddlerhood tbh. He had to be actively told to take mugs from his room to the dishwasher but does it because he understands that not washing glasses risks none being available when he needs one. I don’t think that they should be doing the same as Jake because they are at school during the day but loading/unloading the dishwasher is hardly a time consuming task like vacuuming the whole house. Even though they have ASD, the goal should be that they can take care of themselves should they decide on uni at 18. Slowly learning now rather than panicking when they are 18 and don’t know how to do laundry etc is the kinder way imho. It might be harder for them to learn because of the autism but it’s part of becoming an adult and they might want the option of uni and moving out one day.

Agreed.

The son is now working, but is messy around the house. Hey ho, hardly worth all this? Eventually, with time and patience he may be able to learn.

Do you work, or is the husband supporting your entire family? By that I mean you and your kids.

Jake is making small changes which are all positive. Perhaps when the time is right, his dad could mention therapy whilst taking him out for dinner, just the two of them.
He must feel abandoned by his own mother and that would create all sorts of issues. He definitely needs help.
From your post you seem to be nagging all the time about chores. All children regardless of age or ASD should have their own chores to do. Your DH will then see you are not being biased and that you are a fair person.
With regards to your mum, you are in the wrong, whatever happened between your mum and DH should have never prompted you to “choose” either. That was their relationship! Think about contacting your mum and apologising to her for choosing your DH.
2 weeks not talking with each other is too long. Your DH wants to engage clearly.
My advice would be less nagging and more systems for everyone.

There's a lot to unpick here and it sounds awful. A very toxic step son and step mother relationship indeed. What exactly have you done to support and nurture your step son and to support your dh to deal with his son's seemingly significant underlying mental health issues.

When you and your DH got together what did you agree about joint family boundaries and responsibilities? Did you talk seriously about each other's financial and emotional responsibilities and your individual contributions to the relationship. Were the children told or just consulted. Children's instincts can be pretty spot on ime.

Relationships have to be balanced on all sides, particularly between husband and wife. Your DC are 50/50 with their father so not there for much of the time; your step son os 100% his father's responsibility which is an unbalanced dynamic for starters.

Some times one partner brings home all or more bacon and the other does more domestically and that's fine providing both have equal free time.

From all of this, except that it's clear you dislike your stepson who is likely neuro diverse, I am not clear about yiur contribution. You half parent your own. Do you work? Do you do all the domestic stuff? What hours does your DH work? Why did you fall out with your mum?

Finally relationships are reciprocal. If you are the loved and your dh the lover that's rather one sided and I think your dh is enabling more than his son here.

It sounds awful. But Nick or Jake is unwell, he has severe mental health issues, not just depression but the agoraphobia etc. you seem to make no allowances for this, and want a certain level of behaviour, but make allowances for your own.

it feels like you resent his son, and would prefer it was just you both and your own kids, and I understand how difficult it is having a mentally unwell adult living with you, but that’s what this is, and bullying his father into your idea of stepping up isn’t going to ever work.

Could your husband afford to pay rent on a flat for the son if he stopped funding you and your children's lives? That way you could still live with him but obviously you would pay your own and your kids way.

So you moved into the house with your husband and his son but he's living under your roof, I hope you know how that sounds.

As Judge Judy often says "The bloom is off the rose".

Walk away. This isn't working on ANY level for you anymore.

Find a lovely sanctuary for you and your kids and get out of dodge.

This sounds like a complicated issue with lots of layers. If DH won't agree to couples counselling, can you just get counselling by yourself? I'm sure it would be helpful to talk it all through with a neutral party.
On another note, I've read that this retreat into your room and from society is common in young Japanese men. Is there perhaps some info from that direction that could be helpful here?
It would be nice for your DS and DD to have a good role model in their step brother, but I wouldn't worry too much on that one. They will be getting many different influences. They can be very fond of him yet not want to copy him.

Hubby doesn’t think therapy works, and is a waste of money.

He is not the only one in the relationship though and if he cares about you and his marriage he will surely give something a go if it will save the marriage?

It sounds a lot like you've moved into DH/step son's home and loudly started making your expectations known whilst not at all acknowledging how difficult that change could be for a young man who quite clearly has problems. That would make anyone act off. You cannot move into an already established family dynamic and start making demands on the people who've always been there and getting the hump when they don't jump to it, particularly when you don't have the same expectations for the others you've moved in.

Yes at 22 he could and should be doing a bit more around the house to help out BUT YOUR OWN KIDS SHOULD BE TOO!

Leave Jake to it, he's not your responsibility and he's likely pissed off you've came in and started making demands of him in his own home

I also think you need to clarify if you and your children moved into your husband and Jake’s home, or whether you bought somewhere else together.
If you all moved into his home then I’m not surprised he stays in his room, especially as you and your husband are frequently arguing over him.
Yes, he should help out around the house but your children are old enough too!
I might be way off the mark but from what you’ve written, it sounds as if you and your children moved into your husband’s house and now you’re trying to call all the shots.
The poor kid’s mum practically abandoned him!

Your stepson clearly has MH issues, probably arising from his treatment by his mother, the pandemic, and inadequate parenting by your DH. And also having to adapt to his father moving in another woman and her two young children!

Your own children have SEN, you have depression, and it sounds like your DH has issues too.

You said you wanted you and your DH to grow and develop emotionally together. But you are using the emotional tactics of an abuser ie not talking to your DH for two weeks!

What a toxic environment for those three children to be living in.

It's a shame your DH can't appreciate the value of counselling, but that doesn't mean that you can't go.
You need it for yourself, having moved from one dysfunctional marriage to another, and to develop better ways of interacting with your DH.
And also to develop better ways of parenting your own children.
They are definitely old enough to do chores around the house.
Your stepson is older, yes, but hasn't been asked to step up before, so needs the opportunity to learn how to do it too.
Your kids need to have allowances made for their ND, but your stepson does for his MH issues.

If you want to stay in this marriage then you and DH both need to actively work at it.
At the moment you can't even agree on chores for your kids!

If you're only staying for financial reasons, then you need to start planning how you be self supporting, and work towards that. Yes it would be another upheaval, but living in this toxic environment also isn't good for them.

would a garden room help? Put Jake out there? He may not be able to live independently, by the sounds of it..

You chose to move yourself and your children into an already established dynamic and have spent six years trying to reshape it into something it was never going to be. You married a man who parents through guilt and avoidance, and his son is the product of that, none of this is new. You can’t acknowledge DSS depression and anxiety and then write him off as lazy when he doesn’t meet your standards he’s struggling, not a project for you to fix. More importantly, you’re trying to parent an adult who isn’t your child while expecting your husband to prioritise you over his own son, which was never realistic. At some point you have to take a hard look at your own role in this.