AIBU? This is affecting my marriage & mental health & I don’t know what to do 🥺💔

[Aintgottimeforthat]

Hi guys,

THANK YOU, straight away, for taking the time to read this….🥹
I really need your thoughts/advice….. please 🙏🏻

I’ll try to keep it as short as possible.

2nd marriage.

I have a G15 (Autistic - high functioning) and a B12 from my first marriage (Dad and I were together for over 12yrs)
50/50% shared custody.

Met the 2nd Husband.
Met Jan 2020, married December 2023.
He has a 22yr old son from his 1st marriage.
Mom wasn’t really in the picture (more interested in work and friends) so hubby near enough “raised” his son on his own (His ex wife had done this with previous kids too - some being given up for adoption etc) #redflag

My husband left her because she just couldn’t be bothered with him or the son basically. She left the marital home, and I don’t even know if she’s kept in contact with her son….

So I met “Jake” the Stepson (Let’s use that name) when he was about 16yrs old.

NEVER left his room. Wasn’t able to fully complete school coz he was caught doing final exams during Covid.
Games 24/7.
Only comes out his room for food, etc.
Wont say hello or acknowledge anyone unless you speak first. And then it’s a grunt or “Yo!”
Really tried for 6 years to engage - but no change. He does the same with my kids - regardless of how much they try to interact with him.
Yes, I think he has Depression and his Dad has acknowledged too that something is probs going on.(BTW - it took about 5yrs for dad to accept this observation too, with my constant feedback) Jake refuses to have therapy - doesn’t think he needs it even though he’s admitted he has severe social anxiety and agoraphobia.
He cannot do his shopping on his own as this challenges/scares him too much.
We've only just gotten over the hurdle of his personal care and BO. I used to be able to smell it from OUTSIDE his bedroom.
Theres a lot going on there (I appreciate that - I have depression too, so can relate) and I’ve tried to be patient/kind with him - but he is lazy, rude, thoughtless and self entitled.
He is not innately malicious, or unkind…. - it’s just how he’s been “raised” by his Dad.
Thoughtless and entirely self absorbed (he lives in his own bubble) and Dad, my hubby, is his Enabler.

Won’t/Can’t discipline him, because he’s “an adult now” even though he’s still living under our roof.
Hadn’t been able to/refused to get a job up until 6 months ago when dad “created” a role for him within his company. Dad drives him in and brings him home, but miraculously he is able to function on his own at work to do whatever job it is they have him doing - I think it’s CAD (computer aided design)
Back home, and back into his room. Gaming. Every day.
I’ve spoken to the hubby about how my kids probably look up to him, and it would be wonderful if he was a good example for them. See what it means to “adult” be responsible etc.

I expect Jake, at 22yrs old, to tidy up after himself & be responsible for himself. An important lesson for when he hopefully moves out and lives on his own/or with a partner/friend.
These habits of being clean, tidying up after himself, helping around the house should already be in place/the norm, because he is 22 now.

If they’re not - he’s behind, and Dad must encourage/teach him this.

So, if I mention that his son is being untidy, won’t load/unload the dishwasher etc the hubby then says my kids “do the same”

Or we do (the parents of the house)
Yes, this is true sometimes, but

1. we’re the parents & it’s something we have asked Jake to do (also because out of all of us he is home the most of the time!)
2. my kids are still CHILDREN, one with a diagnosed neurological difference and they are still learning. They are also only here 50% of the time because of the shared custody agreement.

The hubby thinks that anything I expect of his 22yr old son - I must expect the same from my two kids.

I appreciate, and know that I can’t let my kids get away with stuff just because of their age/autism, but I think at times they can have more grace than his son, who should know/act better, and is just lazy/thoughtless

Hubby thinks there is no difference.

I disagree.

Your thoughts?

He just makes excuses for his son, and continues enabling him. He’s confessed he wasn’t the best/isn’t the best Dad, and that guilt has made him mentally and emotionally impotent with regards to parenting his son.

He have been having the same argument, round and round, for 6 years!
I no longer speak to my Mom because I defended my husband regarding an issue with his son (my mom WAS is the wrong - she was very disrespectful to hubby) so I CHOSE my husband.
I supported him. And I no longer have a mom because of that - she disowned me.

And it’s like hubby’s forgotten that.

I have no one in my life now. No family. Nothing.

Yet the hubby refuses to side with ME. Stand with ME, even though 90% of the issues his son has, the hubby has agreed with me on.

The final straw the other day - arguing about the same thing - he says, “ I’m not helping you raise your kids” and he said that because he feels I don’t listen to his perspective regarding them. He appreciates that’s my prerogative as their Mother, but wtf does he think he’s been doing with us for the last six years?? 🥺😣💔💔💔
(Kids care for him very much, and he has been very good to them)

I burst into tears when he said that, and had to cover my mouth to stop crying out loud.Normally I’d just walk away (that’s what I’ve always done - but I want to change/be better) and I calmed myself down to try continue the conversation. He didn’t move. No words, no hug. Nothing.
Broke my heart.

I now feel there is no point talking to him or confiding in him. It’s just me and my kids.
There is a massive void, and I don’t know if it’s repairable.
I love him, but I just don’t understand his mentality. And he is clearly unable and unwilling to step up mentally/emotionally where I need him.

We haven’t been speaking for about two weeks now. He asked me once if I wanted company or to be left alone. Another time he asked if I was still angry with him. I said no - not angry (just fecking heartbroken and disappointed!!!)

I cant continue like this - my mental health is on the floor as I feel completely alone. Alone, and very, very sad….
If I didn’t have my kids - I’d be gone.

He is a good man, he just cannot/wont step up, and/or grow WITH me as a person/man/couple….

AIBU? Am I the problem? 🥺😣😢
Thank you for your thoughts xxxx 💖💖💖💖💖

Well she can, if she’s happy with him expecting rent from her dc in next few years?

How does that help?
None of this is about money or even the chores around the house.
It's about a blended family that isn't blended and in which it sounds like no one is very happy.
Jake sounds the least happy of all. 22 with what sounds like no friends, a step mum who doesn't seem to like him and a dad that doesn't seem that bothered about him.

@cloudtreecarpet i think it's about time the father actually talked to his son and tried to persuade him to access therapy. No one seems to appreciate that he is a damaged young man, his father is ineffective his stepmother seems to not have much time for him and to be hyper critical to boot, and his mother has vanished. I feel very sad for him. Who cares about him? Who can he rely on?

I don't think this situation will ever change. You've tried and it hasn't. So the question is, do you want to put up with this for the rest of your life, or not?

Exactly this!
The OP seems to be making it all about herself really but it's tragic that a young man of that age is living the life he is.

I have kids of a similar age and I would be very worried if either of them just gamed in their room & had no real motivation or happiness in their life.
That's very sad and, as you say, his dad needs to take this seriously and help him with time, attention and therapy if possible

I completely agree. What this young man needs is support, not blaming and punishment and certainly not booted out to a garden room on the suggestion from a PP.

He's 22. He's been abandoned by his mum, his dad clearly doesn't give a shit about him, his step mum isn't much support either and wants to be prioritised and from the sounds of it he's completely isolated from the outside world, no friends, no work colleagues and no outside hobbies. He's clearly no support network and resented in his own house and has been thrust into a living situation against his will.

What on earth drew to your husband in the first place OP? You say he was "like a breath of fresh air" but how?! He's got no loving relationship with his son, poor parenting skills and by your own admission spends hours on his own gaming too. Not exactly the redeeming qualities I'd be looking for in a partner.

Yes I agree with this. The lad's own mother disowned him and then his dad moved a woman in with two kids. It was never going to be plain sailing.

The last thing a parent should do to an already traumatised kid is to move another family in and blow their lives up completely. Why do people keep doing this, then act all surprised when it all goes to shit?

Who does the cat actually belong to? If it's not Jake then whoever owns it should be cleaning up it's shit, not dumping it on someone else. I wouldn't be cleaning it up either, disgusting.

Sounds like Jake has been completely failed by both parents and is now really struggling as a result of that. It's great that he's got a job though and is going to it even if it is with his dad, I really think you should be looking at the positives.

If the cat is his then rehome it if he doesn't look after it, if it's not then whoever it belongs to needs to clean up after it. Leave your husband to clean up after his son, if he thinks he needs to.

For me, this is how and why blended families get complicated. I don’t think it’s as bad when one of the two adults didn’t have pre existing children but when both do and those children are expected to live together, it gets really messed up quite often.

Your DH has his parenting methods which sound extremely laid back. His son is obviously a fully grown adult and should take responsibility for his actions. I guess still living at home with a dad who doesn’t force him to take ownership has resulted in general arrested development. Not sure whether you can do much more than you already have. It’s up to you to decide if it’s something you can live with long term or not.

Cats all belong to DH and SS.
5 indoor cats.
we have two large, fancy, automated potties. Cats still pee outside potties regardless, but most definitely if potty needs emptying/cycling.

SS pays £300 a month towards household. (He’s on 28,29k which is incredible for an unqualified, inexperienced 22yr old)
DH thinks this is fair and will not increase it.

I do empathise deeply with the son, that’s why I’ve gotten so angry and disapointed with the Dad. I sincerely fear for his future, and feel so incredibly sad for him.

Like I’ve also said before - I’ve tried to interact, but all I get is a “Yo” or a grunt…..
Must I continue doing this for eternity?
It is incredibly disheartening and discouraging always being the one who gives with nothing in return….
Im mindful of not pouring into people that don’t reciprocate, as I did that - to my downfall - in my 1st marriage…..
🥺💔

You need at least one litter tray per cat.

Yes, I know this - but hubby thinks what we have is sufficient - and they’re his cats - so I’ve left him to it. I’m even using Feliway etc…

He’s got. 5 cats since you got married?

You are complicit in the neglect of 5 cats.

just go and get litter trays. They’re not expensive.

You're married and living together, but they're 'his' cats? And you'd rather have a pissy smelling house than a) get involved with getting the cats properly cared for or b) just leaving the pissy pussy palace?

I do help with the cats, but additional suggestions from me fall on deaf ears

They were also in the house before me. Hubby sees no issue in cats living entirely indoors their entire lives, whereas I think outdoor access is needed for optimal health/happiness and stimulation.

I also work regular 15hr shifts, including a 40min drive to and from work. Hubby sometimes is out from 5am to 7pm. SS is home the most - works from home, from his laptop and maybe goes into office twice a week….. hence the frustration why potties aren’t done when he is here all the time

Stop suggesting and just go and buy the litter trays. It’s not hard or even expensive.

If you are working 15 hour shifts then how is that possible when you have 2 teen children and your DH is out from 5 a.m.?
I'm sorry but you are all making life so hard.
You expect stepson to do more as he is in the house, but he seems to be working from home.
There are 5 cats who seem to be bored, which could explain urinating everywhere as cats IME tend to be clean.
And the stepson is receiving no treatment,which is hardly conducive to him doing more.

I work when my kids are with their dad (his custody time) when they’re in my custody time - that’s when I do all my chores/appointments etc

Your DH that you claim is "a good man" sounds like he is the cause of a lot of the problems here.
Won't deal with his son, won't deal with his cats, won't let you help or improve things with either of them.
Says he doesn't want to parent your children.
His son appears not to like you.

Honestly, I really don't understand why you are with this man.
If it was me I think I would be making serious plans to separate and live a peaceful , cat-free life with my children.

I still think it's chaos. No one is taking responsibility for anything. Everyone seems to think another is going to do something. So nothing gets done.
If you want this to work you will have to sit your DH down and get some changes agreed.
As I said earlier, stepson gets therapy.
If his room is a tip father sorts that out.
Between you, you sort out cat litters.
You both need to acknowledge that stepson is ill.

I think you've tried and tried enough and ending the marriage won't be any kind of failure - you won't get any prizes for enduring more and you must know by now they won't change. There isn't any combination of words you could use to get them to change. They know the problems, they just don't want to change and don't care it is hurting you. Brutal but true - they are happy for you to live in a permanent state of unhappiness because it would be too uncomfortable to make any changes.

Is your relationship with your mother salvageable? Was she right in the issues with your husband - could this bring you back together or would it be a stick to beat you with. Would it be possible to save up to rent? Even if it takes a while, having a plan will make you feel less helpless.

I bottled things up and thought by talking/challenging, I’d be “nagging”
So now - I talk!

Your issue (here, no idea about other areas) isn’t about communication. It’s that you want other people to change to please you. And fundamentally, that’s unreasonable if they aren’t happy to change.

The options aren’t just bottle it up or talk until they change. You need to be considering - do you teach yourself to accept, or do you leave.

You mentioned your stepson’s role was created for him and that his salary seems astronomical for someone you believe is unqualified. You also noted that because he works hybrid in a role you find imaginary, you expect him to be available for house chores.
For a CAD junior artist - which is what he is from your description - 30k per year is quite low. It usually starts at 37k per year. If he’s getting the work done, then he’s qualified. On top of this, I doubt the role was created for him; there’s a high demand for CAD artists in specialized industries. Based on what you’re saying, his father is actually taking advantage of their relationship to underpay him. Perhaps that is exactly why he is okay with the current living arrangement.
I imagine this has all been explained to you, yet you’re minimizing his role and expecting him to do more chores just because he works hybrid. He sounds like someone with crippling social anxiety doing his best, with just as little time on his hands for chores as you, and a stepmother who seems to resent him and view him as handicapped. Furthermore, if he’s a CAD Artist, he may eventually want to migrate to the video games industry where it actually helps to have played as many games as possible; you might want to be less judgmental of his evening gaming. In any case, how he spends his spare time is his business.

Firstly, you really need to stop with the sad faced heart broken emojis, they're ridiculous and look like a pathetic attempt to garner sympathy for a situation entirely of your own making, as does the woe is me tone of your posts.

I agree with PP that your resentment of your step son probably leaks out at home. Is it really that surprising that he doesn't seem to want to engage with you? His own mum ditched him and then you moved in to HIS HOME and started to criticise everything about him and how he chooses to live, I wouldn't to talk to someone that did that either