Hi guys,
THANK YOU, straight away, for taking the time to read this….🥹
I really need your thoughts/advice….. please 🙏🏻
I’ll try to keep it as short as possible.
2nd marriage.
I have a G15 (Autistic - high functioning) and a B12 from my first marriage (Dad and I were together for over 12yrs)
50/50% shared custody.
Met the 2nd Husband.
Met Jan 2020, married December 2023.
He has a 22yr old son from his 1st marriage.
Mom wasn’t really in the picture (more interested in work and friends) so hubby near enough “raised” his son on his own (His ex wife had done this with previous kids too - some being given up for adoption etc) #redflag
My husband left her because she just couldn’t be bothered with him or the son basically. She left the marital home, and I don’t even know if she’s kept in contact with her son….
So I met “Jake” the Stepson (Let’s use that name) when he was about 16yrs old.
NEVER left his room. Wasn’t able to fully complete school coz he was caught doing final exams during Covid.
Games 24/7.
Only comes out his room for food, etc.
Wont say hello or acknowledge anyone unless you speak first. And then it’s a grunt or “Yo!”
Really tried for 6 years to engage - but no change. He does the same with my kids - regardless of how much they try to interact with him.
Yes, I think he has Depression and his Dad has acknowledged too that something is probs going on.(BTW - it took about 5yrs for dad to accept this observation too, with my constant feedback) Jake refuses to have therapy - doesn’t think he needs it even though he’s admitted he has severe social anxiety and agoraphobia.
He cannot do his shopping on his own as this challenges/scares him too much.
We've only just gotten over the hurdle of his personal care and BO. I used to be able to smell it from OUTSIDE his bedroom.
Theres a lot going on there (I appreciate that - I have depression too, so can relate) and I’ve tried to be patient/kind with him - but he is lazy, rude, thoughtless and self entitled.
He is not innately malicious, or unkind…. - it’s just how he’s been “raised” by his Dad.
Thoughtless and entirely self absorbed (he lives in his own bubble) and Dad, my hubby, is his Enabler.
Won’t/Can’t discipline him, because he’s “an adult now” even though he’s still living under our roof.
Hadn’t been able to/refused to get a job up until 6 months ago when dad “created” a role for him within his company. Dad drives him in and brings him home, but miraculously he is able to function on his own at work to do whatever job it is they have him doing - I think it’s CAD (computer aided design)
Back home, and back into his room. Gaming. Every day.
I’ve spoken to the hubby about how my kids probably look up to him, and it would be wonderful if he was a good example for them. See what it means to “adult” be responsible etc.
I expect Jake, at 22yrs old, to tidy up after himself & be responsible for himself. An important lesson for when he hopefully moves out and lives on his own/or with a partner/friend.
These habits of being clean, tidying up after himself, helping around the house should already be in place/the norm, because he is 22 now.
If they’re not - he’s behind, and Dad must encourage/teach him this.
So, if I mention that his son is being untidy, won’t load/unload the dishwasher etc the hubby then says my kids “do the same”
Or we do (the parents of the house)
Yes, this is true sometimes, but
- we’re the parents & it’s something we have asked Jake to do (also because out of all of us he is home the most of the time!)
- my kids are still CHILDREN, one with a diagnosed neurological difference and they are still learning. They are also only here 50% of the time because of the shared custody agreement.
The hubby thinks that anything I expect of his 22yr old son - I must expect the same from my two kids.
I appreciate, and know that I can’t let my kids get away with stuff just because of their age/autism, but I think at times they can have more grace than his son, who should know/act better, and is just lazy/thoughtless
Hubby thinks there is no difference.
I disagree.
Your thoughts?
He just makes excuses for his son, and continues enabling him. He’s confessed he wasn’t the best/isn’t the best Dad, and that guilt has made him mentally and emotionally impotent with regards to parenting his son.
He have been having the same argument, round and round, for 6 years!
I no longer speak to my Mom because I defended my husband regarding an issue with his son (my mom WAS is the wrong - she was very disrespectful to hubby) so I CHOSE my husband.
I supported him. And I no longer have a mom because of that - she disowned me.
And it’s like hubby’s forgotten that.
I have no one in my life now. No family. Nothing.
Yet the hubby refuses to side with ME. Stand with ME, even though 90% of the issues his son has, the hubby has agreed with me on.
The final straw the other day - arguing about the same thing - he says, “ I’m not helping you raise your kids” and he said that because he feels I don’t listen to his perspective regarding them. He appreciates that’s my prerogative as their Mother, but wtf does he think he’s been doing with us for the last six years?? 🥺😣💔💔💔
(Kids care for him very much, and he has been very good to them)
I burst into tears when he said that, and had to cover my mouth to stop crying out loud.Normally I’d just walk away (that’s what I’ve always done - but I want to change/be better) and I calmed myself down to try continue the conversation. He didn’t move. No words, no hug. Nothing.
Broke my heart.
I now feel there is no point talking to him or confiding in him. It’s just me and my kids.
There is a massive void, and I don’t know if it’s repairable.
I love him, but I just don’t understand his mentality. And he is clearly unable and unwilling to step up mentally/emotionally where I need him.
We haven’t been speaking for about two weeks now. He asked me once if I wanted company or to be left alone. Another time he asked if I was still angry with him. I said no - not angry (just fecking heartbroken and disappointed!!!)
I cant continue like this - my mental health is on the floor as I feel completely alone. Alone, and very, very sad….
If I didn’t have my kids - I’d be gone.
He is a good man, he just cannot/wont step up, and/or grow WITH me as a person/man/couple….
AIBU? Am I the problem? 🥺😣😢
Thank you for your thoughts xxxx 💖💖💖💖💖