To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

YABU and setting the tone for future too. If it criminal injuries, which I don’t think it is from you’ve said ?? I’d change my mind,
In my marriage, we share, but then my dh would never micro manage what I spend so it’s irrelevant.

Did your DH support you through the pain/trauma? Did he pick up the slack on the home front to enable you to both recover and spend the time and energy needed to pursue the claim?

I suspect the answer is no, and this is why you are reluctant to share

You’re a SAHP supported by DH
Whatever happened must have affected the family so imo it is family money.

What his is yours but what’s yours is your own! Very grabby imo

I think this is more about what happened to you than the money really. Clearly something awful happened to warrant a large payment and it sounds like you resent him for not being supportive

DH got compensation for an injury at work. He paid off my student debt with it. Marriage is a partnership.

This.

It seems IamNotSharing wants to pretend this isn't true, but it always is unless her husband was very unpleasant to her following the accident or event that left her traumatised and in pain and needing medical expenses paid from family money.

My DH had a traffic accident a few years ago and it very much effected everyone, including the children. Everyone sacrificed something during that time, which is what families who care about each other do, but it's not just one person impacted.

The split would be maybe 25% into the joint account and I keep 75%.

wow I was thinking the other way round

In my house we pool all our money together, but if we want something and have the money for it we buy it. In this case can you not buy something for yourself that you really, really want and couldn't normally afford then maybe save it by for a holiday, decorating you would normally need to save for? 🤷🏼‍♀️. Basically, have your nice bit of happiness out it then do something nice for your family and home...its a win/win 😃

We’re going through something similar. My DW is in a claim which I expect will pay her out a considerable sum- potentially as much as 6 figures.

she wants to do a 20k cookery course. I think that’s fair enough- she endured the horrible shit of a boss. The lion’s share of the money will go to the family, but I hope my DW uses some of the money to help heal from the trauma.

Putting some into your pension isn't a bad idea. I'm guessing it took a hit when you were SAH, plus it's also potentially beneficial to the rest of the family as well as you depending on circumstances (sorry if that's a bit grim)

Gosh you were forced to hang about at home while the dc were at school? Oh the humanity!!! 😭😭

It is income though...

You birthed HIS children? Amazing how they don't seem to be YOUR children at all

Facilitated his career.... you mean the one that pays the bills? How kind of you!

I can’t really imagine going off and spending loads of money on nice things/experiences for myself while leaving the rest of the family at home because they haven’t got access to the same money as I have TBH. I’d want to share it with them. Unless money is generally no object in your house and you can already afford nice holidays/luxury items for everyone?
It just feels weird to me that one member of the family would be living a more luxurious lifestyle than the rest of them.

So if your DH were to receive a significant work bonus it would be his because he had done the work. What about a lottery win if he had purchased the ticket?

The compensation is for an injury/hurt done to you, not to your husband, not to your kids. You are the one that suffered, the recompense is for you to do with as you wish.

We are a fully combined money household, but that was always our premise.

So all your dh’s money is family money, it pays for family life to enable you to be a SAHP but you want to keep this all for yourself?

yeah you are being unreasonable and pretty selfish.

if it was to be used for rehabilitation or to give you some support then fair enough but to just want to keep it to spend on yourself is a bit shit when it’s your dh who is the main earner.

I think it would be fair enough if you don't share money but you do share money so suddenly deciding that you are keeping a large sum for just you does not seem right. Maybe you should move to separate money from now on so he can keep his money to himself too. Keeping shared money but also your own extra money seems very one sided like having your cake and eating it and not in the spirit of sharing.

Are you actually saying that you would prefer using the money for the former over the latter purpose?!

@ImNotSharing take your amazing new income and get divorced! You’re obs amazing so will be just fine financially on your own!

You discussed what you’d do with compensation?

Do you resent having kids?

We have agreed our salaries are joint money. That is our only source of income (under normal circumstances).

This comes across very strange to me.
It's about priorities a lot more than whether it's yours.
If the kids need money in their uni pot, and that's a priority for you, that's where the spare cash goes. That would be the priority for me. I wouldn't be asking whose money it was. If you are in pain and can't function and need it to function in some way, then that's a priority.

I honestly couldn’t spend freely on myself and not my husband and children if in all honesty money has always been for the family regardless of being the one working/at home etc.

Compensation for what ?