To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

Ok, I take this on board. There is an element for lost wages and expenses (mostly medical
expenses) already incurred from joint money.

Maybe a good compromise is I add a payment to the joint account to reimburse these costs and keep the rest?!

The split would be maybe 25% into the joint account and I keep 75%.

Were your husband and children at all affected by your suffering? Usually if one person in a household is suffering it has an impact on everyone. Were they supportive of you during this time? If it was me I would want full control over it, but would use some of it as a treat to my family, for example a holiday and the rest I would do what I want with.

Is it because something unpleasant, painful or upsetting happened TO YOU, and you feel spending the compensation money ON YOU will make you feel better about that, some form of closure perhaps?

I can understand it, but I am not sure it's right - if something happened to you that warranted compensation, the whole family will have been affected. Whilst you were dealing with this, you all lost out.

If the amount is quite large, maybe take a portion for you, and then invest the rest in something that benefits the whole family?

I hope whatever it was hasn't left too big an impact.

You could say you'll use it to top up your pension to the same level as his. He can't really object to that.

Whether you actually then go ahead with that depends on whether he'll see the pension statements.

Also you say you got more than you imagined you would and you STILL want to keep all of it.

It would not be "family money" in our house. We have never had a joint bank account. I own flats in my name and my husband owns the flat we live in. We are married but our financial affairs are kept completely separate.

I actually don't think it's relevant that you did the claim work. You could say the same thing about wages then "I did the hours work so this is my money" and then just keep all finances separate? Where do you draw the line?

If it were this house, it would undoubtedly be going into the family pot, after I had treated myself to something (which my OH would i insist I do even if I didn't want to). If it were his money, the same would happen.

Jeez Just do 50/50...

If you spend the other half on a holiday you still benefit (65/35?) and you seem less horribly transactional vs your own "cost incurred" proposal.

op must be on the wind up.. imagine being such a selfish horrible person to have her attitude! “I’m entitled to your earnings… but you and the children get nothing from me!! It’s mine all mine !!”

Honestly Op, I really don't understand some posters attitude. Of course it's yours to compensate for the wrong that was done/happened to you. If it were the subject of a divorce, it's highly unlikely your compensation would be included in the 'pot'.

It would be family money here, I don’t think either myself or DH would consider this ours. Any large sums, gifted money etc is always put in the pot. We are a team and if DH supported me being a SAHM for a while and we were equal (me doing childcare, him earning the money) then everything else is 50-50 too.

I’m sorry for what you went through and I know you claimed and did the work, but if my DH supported me through it all then I think you’re being selfish…

I would say though depending on how much it was I’d probably tell DH that as I need money for hobby and clothes I’ll take a bit of it towards that and the rest in the pot.

Hi I had something similar OP and I considered it my money however after some expenses related to the reason I received the money- I did use the rest for a family holiday. So I'm conflicted. Even when I see money as mine I still tend to spend it on the family. Just my opinion. I can see both sides.

I think I would plan to spend the amount you had been expecting to treat yourself, but since the amount is more, I would probably want to treat the others too.

What's yours is ours but what's mine is mine.

Lovely.

The crucial question is Would you feel the same way if it was your DHa compensation or would you expect him.to share it?

Can't you divvy it up? So e.g. 1/3 or 1/2 is personal money and 1/2 goes into the family pot? I wouldn't see it as all or nothing.

I think it's reasonable to want some personal benefit from the amount of work and the fact that you suffered, but usually when one person in a family suffers, so do the others?

Certainly I remember during my childhood when e.g. my dad had a terrible job and was out from 6am to 8pm, he got home ate his dinner and fell into bed. My mum then had to pick up the slack of literally everything else. The same is likely to apply if someone is very ill, or has been dismissed from their job illegally or whatever - the family suffers because the person in question has less capacity to deal with the stuff outside that.

I think this is a reasonable solution. As long as your family aren’t financially struggling or anything I feel it’s fine for you to spend most of it on yourself.

Well, how much is it? Like how much can you spend on clothes and hobbies before you feel like its a waste?!

Congratulations and worth pursuing but still family money. I am struggling to understand your argument OP.

Health compo?
It's be to make your life easier.

In our house it would be family money. I also wonder if the accident impacted your family in other ways. Did they have to support you in your recovery both physically and emotionally?

You say you pursued the claim and it happened to you, so did your family just abandon you in your time of need?

Fair enough buy yourself something nice but it must be a relief for your family to see a resolution.

I hope your all better x

You suffered pain / suffering but don’t need costly ongoing treatment. The pain / suffering and the many hours of admin you put in to progress the claim justify a bit - perhaps 10% - but don’t justify it being ‘mine’ or ‘complete control’.

If however your pension is rubbish due to SAH/working part time it could be good to boost it.

OP’s H earning more isn’t relevant since presumably they both agreed on their arrangements regarding parenting and paid work.

It would be mine but I’d use some of it for a trip with DH or something tangible for the house

As you say the sum is much larger than you anticipated maybe a compromise is that you keep the amount you expected for you and put the remainder into the joint account.

No I don’t. I didn’t really think this relevant because it’s not income.

He out earns me. But then I birthed his children and facilitated his career as I was the primary parent until they went to secondary school when they mainly fended for themselves.