To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

You’re seeking comfort, Op.

It’s like people expecting a baby/toddler to share a comfort cloth with someone else.

I did not get facial injuries but I am in pain every day from a car crash 25 years ago. My compensation went into the family pot. With that sum you can sole use of some of it and use it for family benefit. You do sound like someone that just wants to hoard their gold

Of course you don’t want that and that would be wrong unless you were struggling financially.

I absolutely think you’re right to want to ring fence it and not just let it be swallowed up.

Yes it is your compensation and you should have more of a say about where it goes.

Where I disagree is that you won’t spend anything on your children and you don’t want his opinion on it. If some of it could pay for a lovely holiday or something else then I can’t see why you wouldn’t.

If paying off some of the mortgage eases some financial pressure on the family then ok it might be worth doing. But you’re so resolute this won’t benefit anyone at all except you.

Honestly I would suspect there could be issues in your marriage whether you realise this or not. It’s an unusual attitude for me and I’d want to explore why you feel so strongly.

You keep making comments like this,

70% of the vote say I am being unreasonable and I am taking that on board. I just feel like we wouldn’t even have that money if it wasn’t for me and my efforts to reclaim the funds. All the contracts I signed in getting into this point were on me.

But for me that argument doesn't stand because you and your DH could both say the same about his salary. "If it wasn't for me and my efforts we wouldn't have this money".

I don't have a mortgage to pay off, for me the peace of mind is priceless. How about taking £10k for yourself (roughly the amount you were expecting) and putting the rest in to the family pot (for me, this would be the mortgage)?

Crikey chill out! I said in that post I wasn’t sure if greedy was the right word and when questioned further I followed up to say perhaps a better word was unnecessary.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP. It's your compensation for your trauma/injuries. I think you should keep it all and spend as you see fit. If that includes spending some on your dc, then great. But it's up to you and your dh should butt out.

(Was the injury due to a cosmetic procedure?).

OP, kindly I think you should do some therapy to understand why you don't like your own family. Begrudging them funds, wanting to not holiday with them just without, calling parenting "drudgery"... (no idea why you had kids), you sound a bit demeaning about how your husband continued to work while you fought this case (despite the fact his work is how you have a roof over your head).

Money and injury aside... you need to do some soul searching because I feel you don't want to be part of a family anymore.

It’s really coming across like you want to punish your husband and children by not letting them have any of this money - do you think that’s something you are perhaps subconsciously doing because you didn’t get the support you needed from them during the time you were pursuing the claim or after your accident happened?

Completely agree with the last part. If my husband did this I’d reassess everything. And I say this as somebody who was given a similar amount to what op seems to be suggesting

I think you're being incredibly selfish.

I've had personal injury settlements before, more than 15-20k but less than 200k, they went in to the pot, I've had an inheritance and same approach with that.

I'd struggle to look at my wife the same way if she had been the one in that position and thought "that's mine right there, think I'll go and do a solo trip without dh/the kids."

I aggree 100% with this. I couldnt sit there with £200k in the bank while we still had a mortgage and slogged our guts out to pay it.
Dont get me wrong, I would put some aside just for me but no more than £5k, and really, I would probaly set the same aside for DH and the kids, purely as 'do what you like' money. I'd also pay for an extra special holiday.
If my DH had £200k sat in the bank, no matter how he got it and it was only 'his' money, I couldnt get over that.
Although he wouldnt do that anyway, no matter how he got the money

I wonder whether people would feel the same about the awards made to people after the better known casualty events, like terrorist attacks. Would people expect someone who lost a limb in a bombing to share their compensation with family who weren’t there?

I’d think you want to be free to choose to treat your family, rather than it be8ng an expectation!

No not has said that, but you do sound quite greedy and unpleasant. If you’re comfortable with that and see that just as standing up for yourself, fair dos, but it’s how you come across in your own words.

if you’ve genuinely received the amount you are asserting, for a personal injury element only, and not related to earnings or treatment, it must have been a significant injury. This presumably also had a significant impact on your family and their own mental health and wellbeing? Have you considered that at all?

I agree. You are happy to have your lifestyle heavily subsidised by your DH. But when it comes to sharing your money it's no go. If I was a partner in this situation I think I would leave the relationship. Because I wouldn't be able to accept this level of selfishness.

No but we can only presume the dh lives with the op and therefore will have supported her both emotionally and financially? We aren't suggesting she gives it to an auntie who lives 50miles away.

I’m really not trying to punish anyone. I have put ‘extra’ money into the joint funds from things such as inheritance. My children have some savings in their names. Obviously, they would benefit from more. Obviously, life would be easier if we were mortgage free. Obviously. I just don’t want to use this money for that purpose.

Inheritance is as a result of the death of one spouses family member. So actually it is is similar as the in-law isnt the person who's relationship loss created the Inheritance. Large bonuses in work? One spouses individual performance in their work place.

You do realise that in a healthy functioning family when a traumatic incident happens to one family member it generally impacts on the other members.

How traumatic do you think it has been for your kids and DH dealing with your injury and recovery?

I have suffered horrific traumatic event in the last 5 years that required a fully year of emdr weekly. I couldn't have gotten through that without my DH support and emotionally being there for me.

You sound extremely detached from your marriage and kids in a weird way.

Before you worry about a hobby experience abroad use some of it for really good therapy .

I think, maybe, it's because for some of us, money coming in is joint, no matter the source. That's how we handle things anyway.

I did get a payout from trauma and used to to fund therapies and making life a bit easier while struggling, and blew the rest on the trip of a life time for the whole family. My reasoning was that we'd all been through a lot (because an issue with one family member has an impact on everyone) and it was good to do something special that we normally couldn't even think of affording. A way to have a break and heal a bit.

Not saying you have to do it the same, just that it might not be that some people don't 'get it', as you say, just that they view it differently to you.

I think that you need to think about how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. If your husband had been through the trauma that you describe, fought for compensation and then kept the money for himself, how would you react? If you can honestly say you'd be fine with this, then that's your answer.
The amount you have described doesn't sound insignificant. He's going to work every day, as are you, to pay off a mortgage and support your children. Allocating some money to your mortgage would improve your family finances and alleviate the daily pressure.
I completely understand that you have fought for it and that the main impact has been on you, but you have also acknowledged that they have been affected too.
Can you get something drawn up whereby this is ring fenced so that it is under your control, but you still make some of it available for your family or pay of part of your mortgage to reduce the monthly amount? And then keep some for yourself?
That sounds like a compromise to me.
Most people, myself included, would see this money, which, had you lost your claim, would never exist, this making it an unexpected asset that they would hope their family would benefit from in some way.

Agree with everyone saying you should have some therapy to help you understand what this money means for you and decide what to do with it.

It seems like you feel restricted and resentful about your life now, and it must feel amazing having the opportunity to change that and just do what you want for yourself. However as many posters have said, keeping the money for yourself risks your marriage and ultimately your relationships with your kids. For most people, being in a family means being a team and facing things together. I’m curious about what the point of being a family is for you?

And for what it’s worth, I would blow some of that money….. probably quite a lot on so many things that make me happy. Even if they are materialistic. I think about all those things I’d say I’d do if I came into money and do them. But I’d also take my family away (if they wanted) on an amazing trip to in some respect, celebrate the hard work in to getting where you did as it would have undoubtedly impacted everyone (you the most of course). None of it would go into a family pot, it would sit in my account, but some would 100% be spent on my family.

Good Q. If family money was used on a botched cosmetic surgery procedure, that adds a whole other layer… OP says happy to answer Qs but been radio silent on what actually happened (even in general terms)… = shady.

Regardess, as don’t expect will get a straight answer (‘too outing’ 🙄) I’d like compensation for the pain and suffering from trying to get head round OPs logic and for lost time reading this thread…

I mean, I get you’re trying to give an emotive example. But yes, I would expect the same.

If somebody needed the money for therapy or medical bills, that’s a different scenario. But ultimately if you’re a family, you’re a team. If you’ve made the decision to combine finances, that’s the decision you’ve made. We can think of a million scenarios, lottery wins, compensation for increasingly horrible things etc etc

But the fact is, op would choose to use this money on hobbies and clothes and allow her partner to continue working and supporting her to stay at home. She would also choose not to invest in the financial future of her kids. She may not like it, but that is unfathomable for most, as this thread shows.

She could take a fraction of this money and enjoy herself and still change her family’s life. It doesn’t matter how the money came about.