To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

We pool all our money, so it would be family money.

Depends what you mean. It would be family money to me but family money would also be used to pay for anything the compensation was meant to pay for.

No I don’t.

Why would I want it to be swallowed up by mundane family stuff?

It’s compensation for my pain, my suffering and my trauma. Why would I not spend that money on me?!

If it's for lost wages during the marriage, I'd consider that family money as your wages would have gone in as family money.

If it's for medical treatment or pain and suffering or retraining due to not being able to do former job, not family money.

Mn is a VERY my money is my money, his money is my money place..

It’d be family money in mine. We’ve both had various money coming in from different sources and it’s always been family money. I’d still buy something I wanted but my DH would also be able to get something he wanted, then money would be spent on the kids, savings, kids savings pots, a holiday, the mortgage for example.

Do you earn equally to your dh?

But surely you and DH could say the same for your wages. You put in the effort at work so its your money.

Your kids could hardly pursue a claim on yiur behalf?

I wouldn't see an issue with you treating yourself somewhat, but if all your finances are joint, they are joint. You don't get to pick and choose... thats called seperate finances.

We have joint finances for the day to day but beyond that it is our own money. But we are open about what we have. In our case I'd hold such money myself initially but I have used 'my' money for a range of things in the past (after discussion w other half) but ultimately with me deciding, examples include family holidays, paying off mortgage, investment (both for myself personally and us as a couple). So yes it is mostly used for 'family' spend. However if i wanted to do something for myself with it, i could. It works for us.

It’d be mine in this house. But I’d probably spend some of it on a treat for the family eg a holiday.

If it was me in your position, it would be a bit of both. I can’t imagine not wanting to spend it on a big family holiday, that would be the first thing on my mind. But then I might also treat myself to some new clothes. The majority would be in the family pot though.

Family money.

Because you and your husband had previously agreed that all your money is joint money.

My first thought is that for us it would be joint. We are very 'one pot'. But you've mentioned trauma, do you feel you need to do things like the hobby to help you recover from that? I don't think something necessarily has to be a formal rehabilitation process to help with that. So if eg whatever happened knocked your confidence, new clothes might be part of the mental recovery from that.

Don't have enough info to be able to judge tbh.

What's the current financial situation? Do you both contribute equally to the family finances or does one of you contribute more than the other?

You say that it is compensation for your pain and trauma. Has the rest of the family been completely unaffected by the pain and trauma?

It would be family money here too and we don’t share all money, we have a joint account we pay into In proportion to our earnings and keep the same disposable each, but we’d buy ourselves a gift from it, so for example when inherited I bought a good watch, the rest went on a holiday and mortgage.

Joint money - how does this look in your family?

For us, all money is pooled. DH earns the vast majority, if not all of the money, but despite this, any extra money like a bonus or compensation, he insists is equally mine.

Do you earn comparably? Have children?

If you share finances it’s family money in my opinion. If you keep it it’s fine but be prepared to separate finances in future and don’t be upset if he gets a bonus, inheritance etc later down the line and refuses to share it.

🫣 honestly? This is a really good question.

I don’t know. Maybe that would be my initial
expectation. However, if he objected I would be open to listening to why not….

I also think it relevant that I pursued this. I poured over client agreements and legal documents. The other side fought liability. It was me that did the research and had the medical assessments and did all the paperwork. It wasn’t a quick and easy settlement. Quite possibly “we” wouldn’t have received anything if it had happened to him.

Mine too.

I think it would be odd not to spend some of it on tbe family if it is genuinely a lot more than what you were expecting. Also it depends if you are struggling at all as a family in any areas, if so, then the kind thing to do would be to put a proportion of it towards family finances.

It sounds like you’re pretty set on not doing either of those things though so i suppose it might at the very least open a discussion with your DH about what happens with this sort of money if either of you come into this sort of money in the future.

Personally I’d splash some of the cash on something for you but the majority would be family money

Why would it have to be mundane family stuff - and not fun/exciting/special stuff for the family to enjoy?

At least he knows now it’s not so they can split all bills 50/50!

But in fairness... nobody else could.have pursued it ONLY YOU....