To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

[Unda110]

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

What was his excuse for claiming not to be the father?
You deserve so much better and good on your friend for having your back.

He had his chance and blew it like a burst balloon from the start, you can’t repair that.

This is it, 100% right.

No, I wouldn't forgive that.

First answer nails it

I agree with PP. I empathise if he didn't feel ready to be a father and didn't want to be in a relationship with you. But that doesn't excuse the cutting off without discussion, the lack of communication, the ignoring his own child for years, and now it seems, the emotional manipulation that's going on trying to win you back. The first 'no' should be enough, he shouldn't be trying to persuade you, or use your daughter as a reason / involving her in any way, or making any comments about your future choices (it's none of his business if you have two kids with different dads, other than how it affects your daughter). Its still ALL about him and what he wants. Not about what you want or whats best for your daughter.

Also...would you ever trust him again? Not to just bail on you when one of you gets ill, have a family crisis, or has an issue at work like redundancy etc

Also what's he done to mke sure he can cope with difficult situations in the future? Has he done extensive therapy to understand himself better and worked on practicing coping strategies? If he had done something to actually address his issues then I can see why he might have asked, as he could be more confident it wouldn't have happened again. But don't think it sounds like that's the case

There are men who panic because they don’t feel ready to be a parent. That’s forgiveable, if they pull themselves together.
And then there’s your ex who abandoned you during the hardest part of your pregnancy, abused and slandered and threatened you, and ignored his child through the difficult early months until she became an adorable toddler. This is way beyond what any decent man would do.

Please don’t let him crawl back in, OP. @faithfultoGeorgeMichael and other PP have given you good advice.

He did all that, not in a moment of madness, but continued for well over a year, while you were struggling alone. Things are easier now and he’s playing happy families.

Your sick feeling is your body warning you not to be misled into thinking he’s miraculously changed into a loving and supportive partner.

He had his chance but screwed it up. Who gives a shit what he thinks?

And your parents - dear me, are they always this bad? That’s a horrible attitude - good for you for chucking the bday presents in the bin.

What an awful man. I would have minimal contact with him, only what is necessary for your child.
An adult who was too cowardly to face up to his responsibilities.
He’s also full of rubbish threatening you with a restraining order. They’re given in court when someone has been charged with certain offences. Not someone you can just get. Making threats at a time you were vulnerable.

He's a good father that's all he needs to be , do not let him confuse you into a relationship. Move on stay civil. Your parents though , I'd be upset they said that. I'd never be able to forgive him for doing that.

Fuck this fucker! if he was a teenager at the time, okay, but he was 40?

I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

I am glad you are noting and listening to your feelings.

I bin it as their lack of loyalty makes me feel broken.

Another feeling to listen to. Fuck them also!

Please listen to yourself and look after and protect yourself and your daughter. Those feelings of guilt and self-doubt are being encouraged by this pack of fuckers!

Allow him to continue to be a good dad to his child, but don't ever allow him to become part of your life again. He is not a good man, he is revolting and you saw his true colours during pregnancy. Be on your guard.

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

What a disgusting thing to say, OP, he really is vile. He treats you like shit, then you’re “awful” for wanting a better life for yourself and DD with a better man. Unbelievable arrogance.

I wouldn’t bin your parents’ presents. (Incredible that they’re so taken in by him.) I’d give them back, or to a charity shop, and ask your parents to stop sending them. Perhaps mention that you’re rather hurt by their affection for someone who treated you and DD so badly.

Best of luck to you and DD xx

Well there you go - his mask slipped immediately. Judging you again!

And how sad that your parents said that and let you down so badly. That’s why you’re questioning yourself now. I’d not even take the gifts for him. I’d tell them they were awful and unsupportive, and leave them at their house. I’d also tell them that they were damaging your relationship behaving like this.

You know what’s right and what’s wrong, despite all those. Stay strong, for your daughter too.

This is a vile and bad man. Stay clear of him! Keep conversations strictly to your DD. Tell him stop other topics and stand up and leave when you have to. Therapy is needed to validation and get back your strength, although you’re doing great at keeping this man and your parents in their place.

A good man will own his mistakes and allow you and support you with your decision.

Seriously curios to hear the views of the 2% that voted yes.

So, by extension, he expects you to only have another baby...... if it's with him?

AFTER WHAT HE DID THE LAST TIME?

Wow. The entitlement is off the charts with him, isn't it? Sounds like a Narc to me.

This made me think of the Scorpion and Frog story.

The Story
The Request: A scorpion wants to cross a deep river but cannot swim. He asks a frog to carry him on its back.
The Hesitation: The frog is hesitant, pointing out that scorpions are dangerous and that the scorpion could sting him, causing them both to die.
The Promise: The scorpion argues that if he stung the frog, they would both drown, making it illogical to do so.
The Betrayal: The frog is convinced by this logic and agrees to carry the scorpion. Halfway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog anyway.
The Conclusion: As they both sink to their deaths, the dying frog asks why the scorpion stung him. The scorpion replies, "It’s in my nature".

"When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’"

Please never, ever, be taken in by this man. He is still the same cruel and narcissitic twat as he ever was. Protect yourself, from your parents and from him, therapy could help you to have trust in yourself, to know what happened was not your fault and that you very much deserve to have a lovely life. Is he going to stick around in DD's life forever? Maybe, maybe not. You cannot trust that he will do that. So, whilst continuing to facilitate your DD's relationship with her father, I would also be quietly mindful of how she may one day be affected by her relationship with him.

Yes. This. WTF is it with parents who think they are seeing the bigger picture with such clarity when in fact the man is a lowlife that is putting himself first in every respect.

If someone did that to my DC they would need to have their head on a swivel 24/7 and a robust will in place!

If he had been 20 then maybe but not 40. No excuses for what he did to you.

Trust me when he finally realises you're serious about not wanting him back the flowers and money will dry up and he'll go back to being an arsehole. Try it and see.

I fear he has got to you OP with his quip about you ending up with two baby daddies.

It is a measure to control you and stop you from moving on. You need to see him for what he is. A weak pathetic loser with a smart mouth that will do and say anything to get his own way.

Rise above it. Move on and show him what he missed by being the dick he is.

He hurt you and treated you appallingly.

You would be foolish to ever give him the opportunity to do that again. And any relationship with him would do that.

If he truly respected you he would realise just how awful his behaviour was, and accept he'd burnt that bridge to the ground. But he doesn't.

He wants what HE wants, and he doesn't care about how YOU feel about it. Sounds familiar, no? And this time he's also using your tiny daughter to try to get his way.

He's a shit.

Every time you are thinking should you be together or he’s changed remember how he treated you at the most vulnerable time of your life, his behaviour was despicable, he’s lucky you allow him anywhere near you or your daughter.