To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

[Unda110]

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

Do not go there!
He left you in the worst way possible, when you needed him the most.
He denied his child until he had a DNA test and now he feels bad??!
Your daughter deserves a relationship with her dad but you owe him nothing.
It seems as though everything has to be on his terms. He left, cut contact and refused to be a dad. Now he's realised what he was missing he wants to be a family. No, no,no!
You are worth so much more than this.

What he did was unforgiveable. You have been kind allowing him contact with your DD. Its far too late for his remorse and back peddling.

The first reply nailed it in terms of what to do about your ex wanting a relationship. Your post about your parents attitude gave clues as to why you might be more vulnerable to feeling you need to accept abusive behaviour. I also noticed 2 of your 6 posts started with ‘sorry’ 😕

You deserved better, you deserved better parents and you deserved a better partner (although I use that term loosely as he was the complete opposite of a partner when you most needed one).

Good that’s he’s stepping up to be a father now but I dread to think what he’ll be like if your daughter becomes a stroppy teenager.

He behaved appallingly, I’d be mortified if one of my sons behaved like that to a woman. The panic would be almost understandable if he’d been 16 (although still not acceptable behaviour).

Don’t discuss your relationship goals with him, and don’t settle for him out of fear you won’t meet anyone else. There are decent men out there that don’t stigmatise women for having been unlucky enough to have a deadbeat ex in their past.

I echo the suggestion you have some counselling, building up your sense of worth would be good for you and help model confidence to your daughter. It sounds like you’ve done a great job so far.

Meh, and? So what if you did have somebody else? If they're around for you and your DD, they're less likely to fuck off out of the blue and pretend that their child isn't theirs if you decide to have a second child - and even if they did, they'd be no worse than the one who did it first, would they?

Bet your ex disappeared because he had somebody else at that point and either she dumped him or he ran out on her because she was pregnant, too.

So he's abusive too. Sorry only just read all your posts. Your parents sound like mine were so I see why you have low self esteem and I'm so sorry you've been let down by those who should have your back and be building you up and supporting you.
My children have different dads and it's not awful at all. They're very close and it makes zero difference.

As usual, the first post nails it. Absolutely this.

Jebus OP! Do NOT take him back. Please don't. You will live to bitterly regret it. And...your parents are very bad at being parents. I'm so sorry they abused you too. Both of their behaviour is unforgivable. Please do have some therapy and trust your gut. You KNOW it would be a HUGE mistake to get back with this horrible abusive loser of a man. 💐

To answer your first question: No, do not get back together. This person is the lowest of the low.

I'm wondering how often your parents taught you in your childhood that you had to work hard for their love, tbh. Or anybody's love, for that matter. That you had to prove yourself worthy and put yourself second best to anybody else.

My goodness he is already shaming you with the "single-baby-mama" line! He has sniffed out your low self esteem and he is doing his level best to grind you down, in between using your poor DD as a cat's paw to get at you.

Get as far away from him as possible. He can see his daughter but not you.

Be the one that got away OP. After honeymoon your future self be kicking yourself otherwise… with these boy/men commitment never lasts. He’s shown you what he is capable of… leaving you at your lowest and most vulnerable. No amount of flowers or sweet talk changes that. Chances are he’ll have a new woman in future, go silent and when that goes pear shaped he’ll be after old faithful again. You’re doing a great job and better to take a train than a roller coaster as nothing beats shutting your own front door with no drama behind it.

You poor thing.

He’s shown his true colours again there when he says it’s awful that you might have children with another man 😱 It’s absolutely none of his business what you choose to do with your life. I hope for your daughter’s sake that he continues to be a beneficial part of her life, but I would never trust him if I were you. You know what he’s capable of, and you deserve so much better 💐

I do think it would be helpful for you to work through this in therapy, including the situation with your parents. Their attitude to your situation is awful.

Every word of the above!!

His comment "oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’" is such a GIANT ALARM BELL, it literally turned my stomach.

1. What the hell is he doing trying to direct who you do and don't see and any future relations ships you might have.? It is absolutely NONE of his business and its concerning that he is conversing with you on this level.
2. How kind of him to give you permission to have another baby. But not with a different father... He is grooming you. he's actually proposing "have sex with me if you want to get pregnant." Putting that suggestion into your brain that it would be so much better for your DD to have a full, rather than a half sibling. Total and utter manipulation from this candidate for Father of the Year. He doesn't care whether you have another baby or not. He sees you as a soft touch for available sex.. ( sorry to say that OP). He is a user and once a user, always a user. He's experienced in picking on vulnerable people for what he wants and then dumping them when he's got it and he's back for round two with you.

Please do not allow yourself to be taken in by him again. For the sake of your DD. He is using her to get involved in your life because he fancies having another fling.. all on his terms and once he's got what he wants, he will run away in the same cruel and cowardly fashion.

This is NOT a good dad. That comment reveals that he is not being genuine.
Please get some real life support because you are vulnerable and you have had no support from your parents... but you need to work out what your boundaries are and don't let this arch deceiver worm his way back in and hurt not just you but also your DD when he effs off into the sunset again.

Get advice from Womans Aid or similar on how to manage the parenting side of things. Personally I'd be cutting his access time RIGHT DOWN.. and keeping him firmly at arms lenght. It would be an even bet that he would quickly melt away when he realises that you are not going to give in. He's been cruel and hostile at a staggering level towards you in the past so how can he be trusted around your DD?
Make it so that you had as little contact with him directly as possible and I wouldn't discuss things with him or give him any details of your life. He doesn't get to tell you who you should go out with. I get how this came about... you were trying to hold him at arms lenght by saying you'd rather go on to have a happier relationship and he siezes the moment to jump in with his awful to have children with different fathers.
He is a user and an opportunist.

You've done brilliantly well and got your life back together after he wrecked it don't give him the chance to do this again.You are already a much better mum to your DD than your parents were to you. It sounds like they've been encouraging you to let him back into your life for DD's sake. But they don't seem to have sound judgement at all. He's a hurtful and reckless person. Doesn't make him a good father by any stretch however much they may want it. Its what YOU want and what makes YOU feel safe that matters, not people who were totally unsupportive when the chips were down.

What a wanker. This is absolutely unforgivable. You’re lucky you are allowing him any contact given his behavior imo. There is nothing to stop him abandoning his child (again) so with that in mind I would be very cautious of allowing him contact at all tbh. If he was to do the same thing again, it would have dire consequences for your child’s wellbeing and relationship learning. Be wary and stand firm - I think you’ve handled this very well. Xo

I can't understand various comments saying that he's good to step up as a Dad.
Adding to his previous atrocious behaviour, His comment about not having different fathers really shows his true intentions, which is that he thinks he's got OP on tap as and when he wants and can pick her up and drop her and still pull the string to get her back again as and when by using the Dad card. He is an outright user. I wouldn't want someone like that in my child's life.

I’m proud of my daughter that she did not deprive her son of his father. He has been a very good dad. Sadly we lost our daughter a few years ago and he was amazing to us during that terrible time. There can be forgiveness … my daughter forgave him and so do we. For us there has been healing through this. All we ever wanted was for our daughter and grandson to be happy.

It’s an old saying but when someone shows you who they are, believe them. He bailed on you cruelly when you were heavily pregnant with his child and left you to cope alone. How could you trust him not to bail again if the going got tough? I’d have said if he has been very young then he could have grown up and realised how badly he had behaved but he was 40!!
ultimately it’s your life - but i would be very wary of getting back together with him

My guess is if you took him back he would panic and disappear again. Being a part time dad is very different from everyday. He let you and dd down and probably feels guilty for what could have been. I wouldn’t have been keen to let him in dds life as I would worry he would let her down so you have forgiven him enough to do that op which makes you better than me!

He fumbled big time and doesn’t get a do-over. I’d never forgive this either, nor should you trust him with your heart again.

He can be a good parent to your daughter without being your partner.

Sorry to hear about your awful parents too.

so no need to change the status quo. This sounds a lot like love-bombing.
What if you get back together, get pregnant again and he turns back in to an utter cunt?

@Unda110
what @Rec0veringAcademic said, with bells on. OP, I'm so pleased that you were were never financially dependant on this narcissist, and that you had your own place. As previous posters have mentioned, he is grooming you by trying to undermine you. Also, access to your daughter via a contact centre would be a good idea, you do not have to see him then. The nerve of him, I'm angry on your behalf.

You realise he is emotionally manipulating you?
Same than he is commenting ‘right. Have another baby with 2 different fathers. That’s great’ oozing of sarcasm.

What right does he have to tell you how to live your life? Who to have children with (if you wish to do so) etc..?

He is there playing to nice partner, giving you token of appreciation whikst Also judging you if you don’t do as you are told.
All that on the back of the restraining order, not believing he is the father etc etc….

You need to step way back in your interactions with him. Don’t tell him anything (see you telling him you want another relationship with someone else). Grey rock for the sake of your dd.
He is and should stay a nobody but your DD’s father to you.

It is good to know that he is kind towards your daughter now, but consider this; she is still very young, and seeing Daddy is a special occasion.
It is often related that some grandparents, having been indifferent parents, step into the grandparent role and seem to try much harder - when the child is small and inclined to be uncomplicated and loving, going along with what they are told to do, but drawing away as they develop minds of their own, not so readily compliant.
Your ex is able to put on a good show, and the child is happy, but being there full-time, to take the rough with the smooth, is a whole different situation.

What did Marilyn Monroe say? 💕
"I'm selfish, impatient a a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

When the going got tough, that little twat got going, and abandoned you and your baby.
Why? Because he wasn't ready? 🙄
No one ever truly is.

He is a scum bag and he would leave you again in a heartbeat if it was hard again 💯

Cut your losses in terms of a romantic relationship and keep him at arms length from your heart.
Do not let him be a woodpecker and nag you and use your shared child as emotional currency to bribe you into a reconciliation. 🚩

He lost the opportunity of being a family when he shit out and bailed the last time.
@Unda110
P.s. your parents sound crackers as well.

Maybe start working on an origin story that's age appropriate for your daughter?

Daddy decided not to be friends with Mummy until you had grown to be ?3. Its nice that Daddy met you and loves you so much but Mummy can only be friends with Daddy because he decided not to be Mummys best friend before you were even born. It's ok, you are safe we both love you.

I imagine a man like this would use your daughter's feelings to promote his aims.

I'd be tempted to create a life story book for her when she is older / a young adult (so your experiences are available for her to process) ...it might also help you stay strong and resolved

I'm not sure why conversations would get that deep with him.

Maybe on repeat our connection is to parent X well...that's all

Ps that kind of parent breeds the insecurity that accepts the bar being subterranean with your ex...(I know I have them too)