To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

[Unda110]

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

Continue to be polite and respectful, for the sake of parenting together.
There is no reason to rekindle romantic feelings.

He’s being a great dad for now and tbh that’s all I would accept.
He has shown you that he’s a terrible partner, that when something happens he’s not prepared for or expected he deal with it by disappearing….
He has a great relationship with your daughter for now, probably at her most lovable stage. Tiny babies can be hard work, little ones tend to to be lovey and then they become opinionated children with hobbies and minds of their own, is he going to stick around when she’s arguing with him about cleaning her room and not doing her homework?!
Not only did he threaten you with a restraining order, he refused to admit he was the father resulting in DNA tests being required. He essentially said you had been unfaithful during your relationship and the child wasn’t his
Your parents are nuts to be buying him presents etc I’m guessing there is a back story of their treatment of you.
I would co parent well with him but keep in place a firm boundary, I wouldn’t be telling him that you hope to meet someone else etc
He wasn’t ready at 40 to have a child and behaved appallingly, his shown you who he is so you need to believe it.
As others have suggested I would really suggest some counselling, being abandoned whilst heavily pregnant and your parents suggesting it was your fault will have left some trauma.
Is he on the birth certificate?

People who are good at manipulation get to know someone very well, they make sure they know your fears and dreams for the future.
He knows you didn’t want to be a single parent when you were pregnant and wanted to be a happy family.
He knows you your plans for the future didn’t involve you two splitting up and possibly having another child with someone else.
So he is using his knowledge of you when you were pregnant and full of high hopes about your relationship to future fake you.
He knows how walking away and blocking you at your most vulnerable is unforgivable.
His ego thinks he is irresistible, that you obviously still love him as he is a God and that you will be so desperate to get him back you will forget how cruel he is.
He tried to make out the reason he got a mate to warn you he was going to get a restraining order against you if you continued to try contacting him again was because a concerned friend of yours texted him letting him know how heartbroken you were.
If he had cared about you and unborn DD he would have moved heaven and earth to be a supportive and loving father when your friend told him how heartbroken you were. He didn’t panic about your pregnancy so he can’t claim he had cold feet, he just didn’t care what happened to you both. He would’ve got his mate to threaten you not to contact him whether your friend had got in touch or not!
He didn’t want to pay out anything for your DD initially and denied he was her father so you had to make him get a DNA test.
He knew she was his daughter but he tried his hardest to walk away from any responsibility and had to be forced! No fucks given

He behaved despicably. Ran away from a situation without discussion. Denied he was the child's father - what a low thing to do, such an insult! Tried to avoid financial responsiblility.

All because of his feelz.

Now his feelz are telling him he might quite like the role that he ran away from, family guy and father, cos his feelz get sad when he has to leave the little one.

By all means go for the co-parent thing and allow him and his DD to build a relationship. But don't ever trust him again, kerp him at sufficient distance that when his feelz go off again you and DD have minimal disruption to your lives.

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

There you go, OP. He hasn't changed or become a better person. He is still ready to criticise and manipulate you in order to get what he wants.

You know what a genuinely good man would have said in response to that? He would have said something like, "I totally understand. I let you down when you needed me most, and treated you appallingly. I am so grateful that you let me be part of your life at all after the things I said and did to you. I could understand if you never spoke to me again. I just want you to know that whatever you decide to do in terms of meeting someone else, I support you and our daughter and as long as you are both safe and happy, that's all that matters. I'm just going to keep trying to be the best dad I can be and do whatever I can to make amends for the awful ways I hurt you in the past."

Please do not even consider getting back together with this man. Your parents also sound shit, tbh. Find someone you can trust to talk to. Don't let your ex or your weird parents get in your head and make you think you're in the wrong. You're not.

Absolutely not for one minute.
He's scum.
And your parents aren't much better.

I would consider moving further away from them all if you can.

He's a bad man and showed you exactly who he is.

His pathetic tears are for himself.
You are too soft and kind.
Be careful.

Get counselling and don't let your guard down.

Your parents are a disgrace.

I’d be careful that he isn’t trying to set up to gain custody of the wee one in the future. He has shown he is manipulative and can dump / ghost you without any thought. He might have changed his mind on wanting to be a dad and knows he stands no chance in the present circs / history so could he be trying to manipulate you into a relationship to then build a case for custody in the future. I wouldn’t trust him and be very wary of going into a relationship. Just keep co parenting well and if it’s meant to be it will be. time will tell on his actions towards you and wee one.

Your parents are awful (and that is a polite word for them).
It is a common pattern that women who have dreadful parents choose spectacularly dreadful men. This is not your fault, it is just that people follow the patterns of relationships they learnt in childhood.
A good counsellor will help you unpick all this.

His latest comment about different fathers just shows what a shitty human being he is.

Think you need the Friday Night 1994 thread @Kilofoxtrot99 😁

Honestly? No way should you get back together with this guy. Realistically, he has discovered that he isn’t the catch he thought he was.

At mid-forties he is too old for carefree twenty-somethings. And when he goes out with thirty- or forty-somethings he has to explain that he has a child and the reason he isn’t with the mother of his child. Even if he lies and says that you are crazy then it still sends up a red flag. And if he is honest, that story would sound terrible.

Once he has you back he will return to form. Your daughter can still have a great relationship with him.

I would bet money that he has recently come out of a relationship and is looking around for a billet. Do not fall for this!

You KNOW who he is and he is already showing his true colours and controlling ways again.

You do not need him in your life any more than is necessary. Next he will start manipulating your DD against you. Be warned ....

“When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

Just this , He is still mean and hurtful .

Be glad about the relationship between him and your shared child , but have no relationship with him yourself . Find someone that you can trust….he had his change and he blew it .

Nailed it

Sorry, but I had to say that you are being unreasonable to consider getting back together. It's so lovely that he has made the effort to build a relationship with your daughter and that will hopefully continue. But, he has shown himself to be a completely unreliable partner to you - and you definitely deserve better than that!

This is good advice. You are probably seeing the best of him in this situation, don’t change it and you are definitely not letting your daughter down.

He ghosted you when you were pregnant and vulnerable!
He threatened to get a restraining order against you!
He denied he was the father of your child!
He got in touch when DD was 6 months old but took another 6 months to meet her!
This man is absolutely disgusting please do not contemplate getting back with him, he is toxic!

Is he love bombing… So he can do it all over again one day when he doesn’t feel mature enough to cope with his responsibilities (again). His history shows he isn’t a good Dad, he cannot pick and choose. Be wary for both you and your daughters sake x

Absolutely not OP - he’s a great Dad to your daughter and that can feel alluring (especially when you’ve had little support), but it does not make him a good life partner. They are two totally different things and he has proven without doubt not to be the latter

If he had been a 17 year old or even 19 year old it’s possibly forgivable on the grounds of he wasn’t mature enough. But he was a full gown 40 year old adult. He was cruel to you and your DD. He made threats to you to make you go away…. That’s toxic and very dark behaviour. Never ever trust this man and never let him in again- you would be letting down your daughter if you did. He is currently using manipulation tactics to wheedle his way back in. Once in you would see his cruel side again.

You have done great getting on with your life without him. By all means you can allow your daughter her own relationship with him but be cautious.

Men who behave like this at age 40 do not come good . Keep your boundaries in place and your guard up

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

I'd have ripped him apart for this. How DARE he pass judgement on the way you may decide to live your life after his own appalling behaviour?

I would have nothing more to do with him, OP. Seriously. He needs to make arrangements to pick up/have contact with DD that do not involve him having any conversations whatsoever with you. Open the door, hand her over and close it in his face.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp says it all beautifully.

Noooooo!
Don’t fall for it.
If he adored you he wouldn’t have left you - he treated you and your D appallingly.

Agree with all the other posters.

OP he showed you who he really was. Open your eyes.

I could understand (slightly) if it was an 18 year old running away and being terrified of being a dad ( even though still old enough to know what unprotected sex brings!) but a 40 year old man leaving you in your most vulnerable of times... to me, is unforgivable.

Now he’s back because he’s realised the grass isn’t greener, absolutely not. Please have morals and standards OP, you deserve much better than this waste of space. Good dad or not.

Please be kind to yourself.

I understand you feeling like you want a proper family with both parents present but the reality is his behaviour before showed you his true colours. People don’t change. You are better off maintaining an approach to shared parenting. I personally wouldn’t let him anywhere near you. Good luck OP.

He is not a “great dad “ at all. How he treated his pregnant partner and baby is forever a stain on his dad career