To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

[Unda110]

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

thats enough you say he’s a great dad leave it there
great dad
Shit partner
make peace with it and leave it there your relationship needs to be no more than co parenting

There are 8 billion people on earth, don’t waste your time with this one. He has shown you who he is, what he is capable of. He wasn’t ready to be a father? Well guess what, babies don’t wait until daddy is ‘ready.’ Who gets a restraining order on the mother of their child in late pregnancy! He has shown you exactly who he is, believe him. His explanation is lazy at best. I’m guessing he was otherwise engaged and that didn’t work out. You are giving him way too much credit for a bunch of flowers now and again, whilst I’m guessing you do all the hard work of raising your child.

He was a shit partner. He left you in your most vulnerable state ever in life when heavily pregnant, giving birth and post partum. Strike one.

He then had nothing to do with your child for the first couple of years. That is unforgivable.

Hes not a good father at all.

I don’t get your post. In the opening paragraph you say that you don’t need validation about not forgiving him, but in the final paragraph you sound like you’re combining yourself how great he truly is and that you should get back with him for the sake of your family

please get some self respect. He has shown you loud and clear what sort of person he is

How you can be sexually attracted to him is beyond me

If he could behave in that utterly dreadful way once, he could easily do it again. He didn't just break up with you. He threatened you with a restraining order and he denied paternity of your daughter to avoid paying maintenance. His behaviour was cruel beyond belief.

There is no way of coming back from that. He could have ended your relationship in a respectful way and still acknowledged paternity. He wasn't a scared teenager but a 40-year old man who roped his friends into threatening you with a restraining order.

He is lucky that you still allow him to see your DD. He isn't a great dad. A great dad would never do any of the things that he did.

He is an abusive man. He blacked contact, threatened you and denied parentage. All while you were pregnant with his child.

I think he’s monstrous and I’d keep it my distance from him, only facilitating his relationship with your child.

yes, this. It would still have been unforgivable if he was (you both were) 19 when you had your daughter, but a little easier to understand and also to imagine peers and his parents influencing him... but 40! There's really no allowances for context there given it wasn't a temporary but polite "this really isn't what I want, I'm sorry" break up but full scale ghosting and threats!

If you get back together he will fuck you over worse this time, because you'll be showing him you no backbone and will forgive anything. And your child will be old enough to see it.

Ok so now he seems to have got his act together regarding your daughter and to some degree you as the mother of his child - keep it at that @Unda110

why rock this boat?

the fact you have looked past his past nastiness speaks volumes of your strength of character compared to what he did, threatened restrained order and a DNA test to prove he was the father FFS.

Being cynical, he’s what 43 ish now, probably has realised he isn’t the catch he was and hey there you are, if you get back together regular sex is on the cards, I mean he’s already giving you money and presents yet his access to sex remains firmly closed. Poor lamb!

All you have to say is “look we clearly work much better as co-parents than a couple let’s keep it at this”

on an even more cynical note he might be building up as a form of control if you ever meet another - he is right there embedded in your life and will want full control of decisions if another man enters his daughter’s life. But that’s a hurdle if it occurs for the future.

Whatever his reasons it’s not for you is it? It’s for him.

You have it calm now don’t fall for his charms, you tried that before. Look what happened.

Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

This.

He’s doing those things because he wants you back. They’re not signs he’s a decent man. He was perfectly content to be a piece of shit when it suited him. He’s shown you who he is, believe him.

How would you ever rest easy knowing that if and when he gets bored, he’s of poor character and is perfectly capable of just sodding off into the sunset?

tbh I would judge an 18 year old harshly for doing what your ex did. I was gobsmacked when you said he was 40. Pathetic.

You would be mad to even entertain getting back with him. He's shown you how casually fucking awful he can be if he chooses to be. It's in him to be that way. At his age he is who he is.

Grrat that he stepped up for his daughter (eventually) but I'd keep this one at arms length. Defo.

Right. You would never tell your daughter “oh I’m sure it will be fine”, instead you’d probably want to hunt him down with a knife.

He’s betrayed you and your daughter terribly, repeatedly - not seeing her for years, the threat about a restraining order- giving him another chance would be an act of self harm.

Plus do you even like him? Never mind what he wants, do YOU find him attractive, want to
build a life together?

He is disgusting.
It is one thing to not be ready for parenthood (at 40? Seriously? Get over yourself arsehole) but another to treat the mother of your child so appallingly.
Do NOT get back together with this prince. If you do I can promise you that you’ll regret it. What an utter shitshow. I am so sorry OP. You are worth more.

'Why did you and daddy split up, mummy?'

'When I was pregnant with you he walked out on me, cut all contact and threatened to get a restraining order against me for no reason. When you were born he said he wasn't your father and only acknowledged he was when he was forced by court to take a DNA test'

Imagine that conversation and stay strong! If he tries it on with you again just say he betrayed you were when you were at your most vulnerable then refused to acknowledge his own child. That is unforgivable.

^^ this

It would take me a lot more than a few lots of flowers to even consider trusting someone who had left me heavily pregnant, denied paternity and got strangers to warn me off like I was the problem.

I would also be very, very cautious about encouraging your DD to develop a strong bond with this man who has rejected you both in the past. He sounds incredibly selfish - I'm not sure that changes. All he's skipped is the first hard bit.

Of course it would be almost impossible to forgive him, the coward deserted you just before you gave birth to his child and for the first year after she was born. I think we could all forgive a teenage boy or perhaps at a push, man in his early 20s for this (although it obviously still isn’t fair given the woman can’t easily do the same thing!) but at 40?! Come on…

He’s a loser and he must know it. The fact he threatened a restraining order as well because you wanted to know where on earth he was and if he wanted to meet his new child! Crazy.

You know all the positive behaviours he's displaying, the flowers, the higher maintenance - will likely stop when theres nothing in it for him.

Agree with Toffee post, he’s a Disney dad, enjoying the nice
bits while not being around to do the hard stuff, wait till the teen years hit then he might disappear again from your daughters life once she’s not so daddy’s adoring little girl, I mean he’s done it once to you Do not be fooled into taking him back happily co parent keep your boundaries and support your daughter sounds like she may need it with a dad like this.

This

Do not let this man back into your bed. He can be dad but no way whatsoever would I resume a relationship with him. EvER.

If your daughter went through that and came to you for advice, what would you say to her?

Absolutely not. He let you down in the most awful way, why would you ever want to be with someone who can do that to you and your child?
Utter scum bag.

Absolutely this.
It was an incredibly cruel and unkind way to treat you.