To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

[Unda110]

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

@Kilofoxtrot99I think you may be on the wrong thread?

Has he any idea what you must have gone through to be pregnant alone, give birth alone and cope as a fully single/lone parent in those first few years. Also don’t forget the threat of a restraining order! That is the most shocking part for me!

No. You cannot trust him. Not a chance. Let him bond with his child but keep him at arms length or you’ll waste a few years on him and end up regretting it.

He callously and deliberately fucked you over at the most vulnerable time in your life. Think of your DD as an adult would you advise her to get back with a man who had treated her that way?

Your question suggests that there were significant mitigating circumstances in play when he left you at 7+ months pregnant and threatened you with a restraining order. I finished reading your post. There were no mitigating circumstances, at all. The "context" seems to be that he's a good dad.

His relationship with his child is entirely distinct from his relationship with you, in the sense that a romantic relationship between you is not necessary for him to be the best dad in the world to your daughter. This is someone who cuts and runs when the going gets tough. Imagine if you got back with him and you suffered an accident or a serious illness? You wouldn't be able to trust that he'd stay. Find someone who deserves you.

This x 100. What if your DD has a problem (illness, disability, trauma) he will just bail again.

the fact that it took him so long to even start seeing her is also telling.

Kindly OP please get some counselling and find out why your bar is so low that you even would need to ask if you’re being unreasonable.

Also be very careful. He has shown you who he is. When he realises that you are not going back it is likely that he will turn nasty again.

YANBU to be unable to forgive him. What he did was horrible. He doesn't deserve your trust. I'd try to keep things cautiously amicable for your daughter's sake, but I wouldn't ever trust him with my heart again. There's no excuse for how he behaved and no reason to give him a second chance. He should be grateful you haven't tried to keep him away from your daughter, tbh. (And I'd be slightly wary that he might pull some similar crap with her in the future—freaking out about something and cutting off communication—though I sincerely hope he won't.)

Walkacrossthesand · Today 23:17
**I think you may be on the wrong thread?

JFC- so sorry, no idea how I managed that…

Stick to your guns. Its the thrill of the chase. He is an avoidant. Once he gets what he wants he will start to retreat and you will end up chasing him driving yourself crazy. Hold onto the pain you felt before and find an emotionally mature akd secure man to spend the next chapter with.

OP, you could be right and he absolutely could be sorry and a good dad etc etc, that doesn't mean you have to get back together. He can be sorry and you can accept that and he can learn to live with his mistake 🤷‍♀️ being sorry does not mean you have to give him what he wants. You don't owe him a relationship because he is sorry.

Great dad? The best thing a father can do for his child is to love the child's mum. Great dad, my arse in parsley.

And what happens next time he can’t cope with his emotions? Will he abandon you again? Even if you forgive what he did how will you trust him?

you are not Leyton you child down. He did. As a parent it doesnt matter what you are going through you meet you responsibility as a parent. He has shown he puts himself first instead. It’s not letting your child down to protect them from that. He can have a good relationship with her without being your partner and then if he flakes it’s less damaging

Has he ever been a great dad to your DD when he wasn’t simultaneously trying to get back in your knickers?

He was a pretty shit dad to her for the first 2/3rds of her life…

Sorry, no. A 40yo who doesn't know better than to put his baby first is a piece of shit.

He might be doing better with her now but that didn't help you be the best mum you could when you were doing nights alone.

I'd bet my bottom dollar that if you look closely and are really honest with yourself, he sees you as the best option for an easy life. Slip into your house, play dad and be the family man, all with lower bills and sex on tap.

Nah, he's a sad man who played a game of chance, thought there was better out there, skipped the hard parts and lost.the game. I'd let the fucker be lonely.

I'm always inclined to give people a chance. However, I can't forsee a time when you can ever put this aside. It is too major and would greatly impact any future you had together to your detriment.
Let him be in his daughter's life and contribute financially to reduce the pressure on you but I would be extremely reluctant to let him into your life.

Do you love him?

"DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well."

I'm going to take this bit by bit.

"DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now"
Don't for one minute think that your DD's adoration means anything for you - children's adoration of the adults in their lives is instinctive, automatic. You only have to read of the trauma of abused children who still adore their abusers. So please, give no weight to your daughter's feelings in this matter, just because she 'adores' him doesn't mean your have to.

"I’ve resisted reuniting with him"
Good, you absolutely should resist. Personally I'd struggle not to spit in his face every time I saw him. Have you considered separating yourself from his contact time? Insisting it happens at a supervised contact centre?

"he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma."
He has no right to say these things to you. No. Right. At. All! It is heaping new cruelty onto the cruelty he has already inflicted upon you. He did what he did. There is no way back from it. Again, I'd consider changing his contact to happening at a Child Contact Centre. If you're not there at his contact, he can't upset you. This would protect you.

"But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well."
It doesn't matter if he is sorry. It doesn't matter that he doesn't deal well with emotions. All that matters is that he did what he did, and he did it for 18 months or so. Repeated cruelty, time and again.

"Sorry I meant to add that he genuinely is a great dad to dd now. And he is decent towards me, pays substantially more than cms states, buys flowers for dd to give to me and things like that."
Really? A genuinely good dad? Until he's not. I would be waiting on tenterhooks for him to not "deal with emotions well" again. Children go through phases; one minute they're a daddy's girl, next minute they're clinging to mummy like a limpet. How would he deal with something like that? Well? Or would he run away again and refuse to communicate, like he did last time? Only this time, the target for his cruelty would be your daughter.

This man treated you with abominable cruelty. Do not allow his entreaties, his flowers, your daughter's reactions, do not allow any of this to blur your memories of his cruelty. Those memories are your shield against this poor excuse of a man. Hold them tight.

Absolutely no way would I step back into a relationship with him. He cannot be trusted. People usually want what they can’t have, once you take him back will he switch again? I wouldn’t risk it.

As @WhereYouLeftIt said.
"Sorry I meant to add that he genuinely is a great dad to dd now...
Really? A genuinely good dad? Until he's not. I would be waiting on tenterhooks for him to not "deal with emotions well" again. Children go through phases; one minute they're a daddy's girl, next minute they're clinging to mummy like a limpet. How would he deal with something like that? Well? Or would he run away again and refuse to communicate, like he did last time? Only this time, the target for his cruelty would be your daughter."

This is it in a nutshell.

I thought he was a struggling early 20s boy, not a comfortably off man in his 40s.
Panicking at the thought of having a child is one thing, Fourty FGS.
But abandoning you.
The restraining order
and most of all the DNA test. was disgusting.
He knew the child was his, but he coldly went through that strung out performance which essentially was calling YOU a liar and a cheat and was incredibly cruel.. he did that hoping to deter you from ever getting in contact again and never having any responsibility again. You did not deserve such vile treatment.
The leopard doesn't change its spots. Its so obvious that he's enchanted by a cute toddler he sees occasionally on Sundays. He's NOT a father, he just loves playing the happy daddy role. He's not the one looking after her when she's ill or worrying about her or doing all the 101 things you're doing for her every day.
But he would never do that full time. and the odd bunch of flowers and playing at temporary families for amusement will never make up for how he treated you when you needed him. There is not once jot of decency in the way he behaved towards you.

You are seeing him through a rosy glow, generated by his suddenly playing the kind and caring good guy. He is not. His real character will emerge again at the first hurdle. Don't let him pull the wool over your eyes a second time or it won't just be you that ends up getting hurt by this cruel man, it will be your DD too.

So now he love bombs you to keep you attached. Probably to stop you moving on with another man and to control you now that he realises his daughter would have another man in her life.

How could you see a future with this man? How could u plan another pregnancy or even relax into family life without thinking he might turm again.

What he did was unforgiveable and he blew his chance with you

He probably went off with someone else then realised the grass wasn’t greener and came crawling back.

I would remind him of what he did every time he says he wants and loves you. He didn’t just do one mistake did he? And he continued his appalling behaviour over a period of time. Just say No.

It's been my personal experience that you can't force yourself to forgive someone. It happens eventually, or it doesn't.
I've always been suspicious of people who immediately after their spouse or child has been murdered, they announce that they've forgiven the killer.

As someone who's ex left them for another woman while I was pregnant, you never forget the immense pain. He has tried it on with me since (even though he's married now) but I'll never forgive or forget the trauma.

Do you love him? Or do you just fantasise about a family for your daughter?
people can change.
what is your intuition telling you?

THIS.

OP, there are no words for what he did to you, it was so bad. No way would I put my well-being in his flaky hands again. My exH did something similarly brutal to me, and I know he regrets it, and there have been times of deep sadness for me since, on and off, when I think what could have been. However, what scares me the most is giving him more years and then him doing something similar, this time when I'm much older. If this man can't even handle having a kid, how would he react in another life crisis, like if you got cancer? Bottom line is, you simply cannot put your mental, emotional, and physical health in his hands. He blew it.

Your only job here is to facilitate his relationship with DD. That's it.

Stay single or find yourself someone whose mental state is steady, calm, and reliable, not reactive and flight or flight in response to life.