To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

[Unda110]

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

Thing is, it's easy to do stuff like that when he's unthreatened by any sort of commitment. My exH is lovely as long as you're not married to him. Totally different person in marriage. Look up covert narcissist and avoidant attachment. It may or may not fit him, but this push-pull is very typical of those two conditions.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

One hundred percent.

Oh yes, love bombing is a huge part of the abuse cycle. OP, you must be strong enough to resist it. It's not the real him. The real him is the one who threatened you with a restraining order when you were heavily pregnant and who made you prove paternity.

Nope. I lost all respect for my exH when he did something similarly brutal to me. Plus the idea of him doing it again was terrifying. He does a nice line in love-bombing also.

You’re definitely not letting your DD down. You say he’s a fantastic dad now to DD - you’re not stopping that. You’re allowing that relationship to grow and doing your part to make sure she has that.
But you’re also teaching her that it’s good to have standards for yourself and not allow yourself to be treated like that. What he did to you was not ok. One day she’ll be grown up and she’ll know what went on and how the relationship ended - and she’ll see that you put her first and set healthy boundaries to allow him to be in her life but not be in a position to hurt you like that again.

Personally I think that’s far better for her long term than having you two back together with you always being unsure of the relationship - which I think you would be. Can you honestly say you’d trust 100% that he’d never do it again if life got tough?

I should also add - what he did to her was also not ok. She was just young enough not to know about it at the time.

Personally if it was me in your position, I’d always have my guard up and be wary of him and the potential hurt he could cause DD if he behaved like that again!

My guess is he met someone else. Started cheating. Disappeared and denied your existence to her. Restraining order helped with this. Didn’t want you to realise he was a lying cheat. It didn’t work out. He came crawling back.

I may be creating a story of course. But it’s the first thing I thought.

Remain independent and remember there are a lot of men out there. This one is a known dud.

Absolutely not! Friends and family thar supported you at the time will tell you that. His parents must have been mortified at his behavior. Do they see their gd?

As your dd gets older and asks why you aren't married to daddy etc and isn't he amazing and you say well er, we just aren't suited. Which is a mild way of saying it.

Make sure uiu spend weekends and hols with your dd just you two, not him tagging along. And tell him to stop using your dd as a go between. She should not be involved in putting pressure on you.

If this had been a moment of panic and overwhelm at the idea of being a father, i could have maybe have given him a second chance. Sustained over the 3rd trimester until after her first birthday- no way! He has shown you what sort of person he is!

I thought there was going to be some mitigating context to why he ghosted his pregnant partner (ie. he had been in a terrible accident which left him paralysed/ in inability to text/ speak etc)...but there is none. He abandoned you at your most vulnerable.

You would be doing yourself & your DD a disservice to get back with this man, as he has already shown you who he is.

He absolutely betrayed you and humiliated you at the most vulnerable time in your life.

Do not feel bad about not taking him back and do not even consider getting back together!

You will never be able to trust him again. He had his chance and he blew it.

Children do NOT need their parents to be together in order to be happy. Your daughter already has two parents who love her very much, that is enough. She hasn't ever known you two being together so its not like she misses it.

If you get back together and then split (which i expect you would as he would probably fuck you over again or because you couldn't truly forgive his previous huge betrayal) then it would be far more upsetting for your dsughter than if you just stay seperated and co-parenting.

So did he just ghost you when you were weeks away from giving birth, no explanation, no communication? Then got his friend to threaten you with legal action for trying to get in touch?! What a complete dickhead.

He can still have a great relationship with your daughter, but he's shown you what he can do. Can you imagine treating anyone like that?
It's even worse that he said he'd see your daughter then not turn up. At least she was six months then and wouldn't have known. I wouldn't able to trust him after that. I'd constantly be waiting for him to do his disappearing act again.
Honestly, fuck the flowers, you deserve someone you and your daughter can rely on, and its not him!
And child support, so what if he pays more than the minimum? If you had to pay maintenance to him I bet you'd pay more than the minimum, purely because you love your daughter and want to provide for her.
Does he mention the maintenance to you?

This is also gross and manipulative. Trying to win you over with money and gifts after literally doing the worst thing possible when you were pregnant. I dont even know this man and I am FURIOUS with him!

As we get older the chances of us having serious illnesses increase. The true measure of a person is how they respond in the tough times. If you become ill this man will more than likely leave you. If DD becomes a bratty teen, more than likely he will pull back from her. IME dads are good dads during the easy years. That’s ages 3-12.

I would not trust this man at all. By all means co parent with him but do not get back with him

I'm sorry I am commenting for a third time but i can't even believe the nerve of him!

After what he did, if he was a decent man, he would focus on being a good dad and respect you enough to just being platonic coparents. Not cause you all this stress and upset and doubt because he's thinking about himself and what HE wants now.

Its always about him. He abandoned you because he felt like it, which devastated you. now he's popped up again and feels like getting back together so hes making you feel stressed and doubt yourself. Its all about what he wants and who cares how you feel? He has shown he puts himself first and can't be relied upon. You would never be safe or secure with this man.

Having boundaries and respecting yourself too much to fall for his manipulation and get back together is the greatest example to set for your daughter.

This. With bells on.

He was 40, not 14. He knew better than to threaten a restraining order against his pregnant girlfriend (via a mate, no less), then to force a paternity test.

You don’t owe him pant washing, dinner cooking, or mental load carrying. It’s not you who is “letting DD down,” OP.

Who’s to say he won’t have another wobble? Co-mingling lives and raising kids is hard, and he’s proven that he doesn’t have the resilience to cope. He will do it again, when life gets tough.

You are the one who knows him best. Nobody replying to you here knows what he is really like. I am not sure why the way he treated you during pregnancy shows you "what he is really like", but his financial generosity, his great parenting of your child, and his current thoughtfulness do not. Children change people. He may have changed. Or he may not.

You can't crowdsource a decision like this. You have to use your own judgement, considering what is best for you and your child.

Whatever you do, take it slowly. If I were you, I'd make sure that the boundaries in your relationship are clearly understood, perhaps in writing.

Please, please, please don’t get back with him. Your gut instinct is entirely right, so trust it more than him! All he wants is the easy option.
You’re amazing and deserve so much better!

No chance.

That’s what fathers should do imo.

It’s only noteworthy because so many don’t, not because it ought to be exceptional.

so let him do this, enjoy a (now…) healthier co-parenting relationship but be aware that you owe him nothing simply for finally taking responsibility as a father.

You do not owe him any kind of forgiveness and definitely not a relationship.

edit:

He did not just bail once. He made the choice to ignore you multiple times. He made the choice to have this friend contact and threaten you. He made the choice to get up every morning and not contact you or see his daughter for 2 years! He showed a looot of commitment to abandoning his pregnant girlfriend and his daughter!!

he showed you what kind of man he is. So have the strength to believe him.

What if you get together and have a second child? Will he need 2+ years again? What if you get together and you get sick or disabled? Will he be “ready” to stay? Or would he just not be ready?

Please don't give him a second chance to treat you like shit.
What he did to you should be unforgivable.

Just be the best possible co-parents.

Your daughter needs happy and stable parents. In this case, the parents are happier and more stable apart (well you are at least). Encourage his relationship with her, but maintain your own boundaries firmly.
If you ever waver then remind yourself that he left you at your most vulnerable and missed all the really hard bits. He may regret his behaviour now but that doesn't mean you're obliged to forgive him.

He threatened to get a restraining order against you and he ruined your pregnancy and made you miserable at what should be an exciting, wonderful time. He should be grateful you even let him see your DD. Not ready to be a father my arse. He was 40! Not 20! What a sad and sorry excuse for a man he is. Oh and you can buy yourself flowers ffs. He’s a wanker.

Completely agree with this! It’s not something I could move past, you would never be able to trust him.