Shocked by DP arranging for a woman to join us in the bedroom

[Aprilsun2]

I’ve changed my name for obvious reasons.

I have officially lost it with DP. We have been together for a few years, and he has always made it clear his ‘fantasy’ is to involve another woman in the bedroom. I’ve always said it’s not my thing, which he says he respects and that’s why it is just a fantasy.

On Saturday we were out, fairly drunk and he brought this up again. I laughed and said ‘never say never’ - very much jokingly.

Fast forward to yesterday. We were having dinner and he said ‘remember on Saturday you said you’d be open to introducing someone else. Well I have a proposition’. I firstly said I didn’t recall saying that, and secondly asked what on earth did he mean.

Basically, he explained he had ‘found’ someone who’d be willing to join us. This is someone online with a few hundred reviews on a website and photos of her wearing next to nothing. He said it would be at his expense.

I was speechless initially then I hit the roof, I told him how dare he go behind my back and think something like this would be appropriate.

He meekly apologised, but said he took my answer at the weekend to be a positive one and got carried away.

Am I wrong to be completely astounded at his actions?

I can’t believe you need to ask.

Yanbu

Ltb

You don’t sound suited.

He was a dick but maybe next time he suggests something you don't want, don't say never say never

Never say never definitely doesn't mean now

Omg, what a fool.

I'd not be happy at all, especially with the speed of his organisation of this, suspiciously quick imo.
Equally though, if it wasn't for me I wouldn't say 'Never say never' about it.

If he’s suggested it before then no, I don’t think I’d be astounded. I’d tell him to sling his hook.

Yuk. Him trawling (probably) a swinging site for this. How grubby.

”at his expense”. Good grief. Tell him to leave.

Leaving aside the fact this is so gross on his part to plough ahead with setting up a threesome in the absence of enthusiasm from you, he was planning on paying someone?! Hiring a prostitute? That’s so disgusting, the relationship absolutely couldn’t continue for me, someone wit such blatant disrespect for women wouldn’t be in my life. Sorry you’re going through this.

As in likely to lose body parts?

No not a swinging site. I understand that to be free. It was a site for paid ‘professionals’ for want of a better term.

It’s a revolting suggestion but why on earth did you say ‘never say never’?

You’re not compatible. He isn’t going to stop wanting this, he isn’t going to suddenly become someone who respects your boundaries, he isn’t going to morph into a man who wants the same things you want. The sooner you end it, the better.

I do think it was unwise of you to say “never say never” when “never” is precisely how you feel about his proposition - but you certainly didn’t say “yes, go ahead and book a complete stranger to come and have a threesome with us”, and he knew damn well you hadn’t consented. You just allowed a small crack in your boundaries, and he barged straight through it. He’s not a good person.

I laughed as I said it. In the cold light of day I can understand it doesn’t sound definitive. But I’ve said No enough times for him to understand my stance!

“A few hundred reviews on a website”
😳😳

He’s an absolute dick, but equally I wouldn’t be saying ‘never say never’ if my answer is absolutely never’

Because she was drunk. Generous of him to say it’s at his expense, though. Makes all the difference

Nah that would be the end for me. Something like that needs massive joint discussion about what is or is t going to happen on the night, boundary setting and both parties involved in finding someone they both like. He has massively shown no regard for your wishes or your needs and just jumped. Straight into it and obv chose. Someone he wants. He can fuck off til he can show you some respect. How selfish he is . He has I would suspect been researching this and trawling grubby sites for longer than a few days

Good god!

I’m all for each to their own, but if I ever said something along the lines that you said to your DH, and it was taken was inferred it meant yes, it would seriously be divorce for me, that is way over the line and then some.

Given you’ve discussed it previously and made your views clear, why on earth would anyone take your comment of ‘never say never’, even after a drink, discuss it with you in the cold light of day?

This is awful and I’m so sorry for you @Aprilsun2 to have to contemplate how to get over something like this.

All of this. Even if you had said theoretically yes, if you both met someone you liked who was up for it - it's a bit of a bloody leap to hiring a prostitute he's already added to his Google favourites.

I’m not even opposed to a threesome but the thought of paying another woman makes me feel sick. Gross. You’re not wrong to be astounded, probably avoid the term never say never from now on

The fact you’d already told him from the very first time he mentioned it that it’s a no but then brought it up again tells you everything you need to know. Years ago I had an ex who did this, I said no but I then discovered he’d put photos of me on a swinging site to find out who’d be interested. I left and you should too, this isn’t just a fantasy he’s willing to keep to himself it’s a weird fetish that will eventually become the elephant in the room. Yet another man objectifying a woman, being disrespectful and expecting her to be ok with it.

I wonder how he'd feel if you told him you've been looking at men to hire on the internet to see if he fances having a threesome with another man and you? And you found one that you quite fancy that you'd like to introduce into the relationship.

I always think it would be interesting to turn the tables on men like this to see if they understand how insulting and degrading the suggestion is.

Yes, absolutely not on to try and make something happen and to not respect your boundaries.