What number?

[coulditbeme2323]

Following on from a discussion with a friend in real life.

What figure would you check with your husband/wife before spending?

Obviously this is going to vary on stage of life, earnings etc etc.

Ha! I too have dishonourable botox twice a year too! And I buy hell of a lot of disrespectful Kerastase!

You keep repeating the same thing over and over and not once have you said what you mean in any logical way. Honestly, OP…. Admit that your ‘legal’ argument has no legs in this scenario!

That sounds tough, and yes 40 years in you’re probably over the risky period! I tend to think things are more likely to work out in the modest financial set ups, like me and most of my friends grew up in. The disasters I’ve seen are those where men have lots of money, the wives splash the cash and a strange dependency builds up that isn’t really a family/partnership anymore. Obviously that’s only what I’ve seen, but money does funny things to men sometimes.

You keep talking about huge sums of money. We don't have money like that to spend and we know each other well enough to know neither of us will get in debt.
But if I want some earrings I buy them he probably wouldn't even notice. If he wants a new watch he would buy one if I need a new mobile phone I get one. Neither of us need to know how much each other spends on personal items.
We have been married over 40; years we have had plenty of disagreements over the years but never any about money. So our approach works.

Not in any relevant way. You have extra rights when the other cant do something for themselves, but have zero extra rights or anything legal with them over what a partner does for this conversation.

Then we'd talk about it and decide what to do, together. I can't think of any examples that he's declined... we are pretty aligned with our wants and values, so we don't really have this issue. Dh lets me do the hobbies that I want and vice versa for him... It's just courtesy to not go behind someone's back and buy stuff, when you share all that you have.

Another benefit of marriage that surprised me is that I get more than £2k a year extra on my state pension as a widow.

I genuinely can't imagine letting my DH tell me I couldn't spend my own money on something I wanted.

They discuss and decide as a partnership for both sides. Seeing that as "tell me I couldn't spend my own money" means you aren't capable of that kind of adult partnership and relationship, which is fair enough you can find your own partner who wants the same thing instead and have that kind. But it's meaningless as a comment on a relationship using that very system. What is anyone supposed to take from it?

It's not meaningless at all. I personally would find it incredibly bizarre to have a partner who thought they had any say over what I was allowed to spend my money on. I mean, if DH ever asked me if he was allowed to buy X I'd think he'd lost the bloody plot.

Why do you feel the need to denigrate a relationship set up that’s different from your own? It’s no more or less mature to consult each other about money than it is not to.

My non adult relationship has lasted almost 30 years - yours?

Yeah my non adult relationship has been going on for 25 years. It’s almost as if, and I hope you’re sitting down for this, people can have adult relationships that work better or differently to Nevernotmaybe’s?! Can you imagine that?!

But that's the point. It isn't my money or his money. It's our money.

A decade and counting - I'll have to go and tell DH that a stranger on the internet has told us we're not grown ups

Do you not feel a bit infantalised to have to ask a man for permission to spend the money that you've earned?

We have a joint account but I have my own account where my wage goes in. I pay some bills and I spend whatever I want. I’ve never run it past DH and he doesn’t care

No... he doesn't hold me to account for anything, we just collaborate, because we are a team. Everything is all of ours, rather than part his and part mine.

I'm glad it works for you but I would absolutely hate to be in a marriage like that.

I'd love to know what would happen if you really wanted to buy something and he disagreed, though. Would you buy it anyway? Or obey his wants and go without?

Lol I get that. It hasn't ever happened so it's hard to know. And we've been married over 12 years.... Hmm.... If I really wanted something and he didn't, I guess I'd buy it anyway, unless it was in some way immoral/unfair to him... But then I can't imagine I'd want anything that he wouldn't, as our values are pretty similar.

So if you decided to take up a (paid for) hobby that he disagrees with, what would you do?

...... and again, all this shows is that you are in the small minority of couples who don't have to budget.

Most couples do consult each other about more expensive purchases - and I acknowledge where the line of "more expensive" comes will vary across the population - because if one partner is going off spending 'larger amounts of money' randomly without both partners having planned for it, then it means you don't, as a couple have enough money to pay that month's bills. Or maybe would be unable to have a holiday that year, or unable to overpay your mortgage or put enough into savings to replace the car when the time comes or refit the kitchen or whatever you are doing.

It isn't about "letting dh tell me I couldn't spend my own money on something I wanted", it is about two adults in an equal and respectful partnership married or not considering their income as family income and working out a budget between them.

I know lots of people on here do arrange their finances so that all income goes into one pat and both partners have an equal amount of spending money to do as they want with, but that doesn't give anyone enough money to spend large amounts without having conversations with their partner about it first.

Where did I say we didn’t have to budget?

We each pay a certain percentage towards the mortgage and bills and whatever is left over is ours to do what we like with.

Mine mostly goes on my animals, clothes, meals out, savings and riding when I get the chance. DH spends his on bikes, outdoorsy equipment and the odd takeaway. Once the bills are covered, I would never dream of thinking I had an say on what he spent his earnings on.

Because the things you are talking about are not small amounts of money.
Most people in the country do not have large amounts of money 'spare' after bills have been paid, or after bills have been paid and some savings put aside for a holiday, and an emergency fund, and some saving up towards the next big purchase (like replacing the car).

Plus some of the posts on this thread have been about ridiculous vast sums of money.

How do you know? You can do all of the things on my list cheaply or expensively - it depends on your budget and priorities.

You’re making a lot of very odd and incorrect assumptions. FWIW we earn about 50k between us - we’re hardly rolling in it 🤣