What number?

[coulditbeme2323]

Following on from a discussion with a friend in real life.

What figure would you check with your husband/wife before spending?

Obviously this is going to vary on stage of life, earnings etc etc.

At different points in our 38 years together it’s varied. In our cash strapped years we discussed practically every purchase, these days we are lucky and don’t really need to think about it. I tend to kind of mention it if I want to spend more than £200 but he is the main earner (as in multiples of my wage) but he never says no like he used to have to. Everything is joint so it feels right.

You should have started a thread that said ‘if you are a non-earning wife with children…’ since you think so many other experiences are ‘different’. The main difference really is that where people earn their own money, they don’t have to ask to spend it on anything they choose. Where people are dependent on someone else’s money, they can spend up to a reasonable amount, but then seem to have situations where they consult before spending. That seems sensible, whether they’re married or not, have kids or not.

Blended is different.

I would imagine both parents would probably want to make sure their own children's financial futures are secure.

I’m a divorce solicitor and this is 100% correct.

Everything is different because people are different. Not right or wrong, but different. Not every nuclear family with one earner operates as yours does, and that’s ok.

Couples can be linked legally and financially without being married: joint mortgage, joint bank account, joint savings account...

And you have strongly implied that married couples, because they are legally financially tied together, would be more likely than unmarried couples to run proposed purchases past each other.
Which is just your opinion, not based on empirical evidence or enshrined in law.

I don't think cohabiting couples are 'getting at you' because you're married, as one PP suggested upthread.
I think many of them PP just disagree with your premise.

Christ you're illogical and irritating.

So you don’t actually have your own money? In that case you should absolutely be checking before you spend but your husband should be able to buy what he wants without consulting you. If you each earn your own money that’s yours to spend on what you want.

I honestly do think some - not just you - are overestimating how well protected you are

I take your point and tend to agree. In my own case I had no option, having a severely disabled child and no discernable support network. I couldn't have held down a job with the constant hospital appointments not to mention there being nobody else equal to meeting their care needs.

We've been married over 40 years now so I might be past the worst of the risk.

I've never spent more than £50 on a handbag anyway. I was just trying to think of something I consider a bit spendy. But that's beside the point.

I’m married and have my own account and money and would never even consider asking DH before I could spend it 🫣

Dishonour him by spending behind his back or spending to the extent that it was financially irresponsible... Yes, it would be disrespectful.

Absolute nonsense

I think several people have explained, checking in with your spouse isn't (for many of us) about seeking anyone's "blessing", it is about ensuring the money is there for essentials first, and not taken up by either partner spending on a whim.
If you are blessed with enough money not to have to do that, you are in a more privileged position than most. For most of our lives, if either of us bought tickets to a gig, let alone a holiday, without planning, then there wouldn't be enough left in the bank for the water rates or utility bills or mortgage.

I’ve dishonoured my husband today by putting a 200 quid deposit down on my leg tattoo for June out of my hard earned money. I haven’t told him. He dishonours me every year by spending on a fortune on season tickets for his football club. It’s his money.

We’ve been dishonouring each other in this way for 24 years now.

Why? Im marire d and we have separate bank accounts and dont ask each other what we spend the money on- there is a shared pool for mortgage, childcare, food, and the rest we spend however we want.

Eh why would it be behind his back? The question was about checking with your spouse before making a large purchase. Some people spend freely without ‘checking’ first, that doesn’t mean it is behind someone’s back…

Also I suspect we all have different interpretations of ‘financially irresponsible’

It isn't behind his back. My original reply was that personally dh and I don't bother checking unless it's a 'want purchase'. We trust each other to buy whatever we need without asking.
I'm saying that it would be dishonouring to intentionally make purchases that you know the other person may not be comfortable with, without consulting them first. You took one sentence out of my whole post. It was meant to be read within the spirit of the entire post.

What would happen if you wanted something your DH was "uncomfortable" with?

It’s exactly the same to me 😌

I've found this a really interesting thread, different ways couples organise their spending - the kind of thing you'd rarely discuss with friends IRL unless you were super-close to them - the shamelessly nosy part of me has had a ball - thanks for starting it, @coulditbeme2323

I'm guessing she wouldn't get it, but her husband's honour would be intact so that's ok.

I spent £700 recently without discussing it first, but it was my money so of no real concern to anyone else.

If it was a joint account purchase I’d probably mention anything over £200 ish, but only in case he also splurged on something and we needed to top that account up.

We have a general idea and a general idea of what each other earn. Nothing’s secret as such.

It's differed based on the fact that people and relationships, including marriages, are different.

I think a thread of how we have all been dishonouring and disrespecting our spouses over the decades would be far more entertaining and amusing than the circular nonsense of the OP

I regularly dishonour mine by having my hair cut and coloured at about £200 a time. And occasional botox and facials, which he doesn't need to know about. He dishonours me by buying cases of fine wines to lay down in storage for later, but I occasionally find an invoice for sitting around.