To leave DP due to his refusal to look after his health

[lonelyinlondon99]

Firstly, I apologise for how long this is but i feel it necessary so you all get a picture of how desperate this situation is.

DP of 7yrs is slowly killing himself. He was diagnosed with fibro about 3yrs ago & hasn't worked since. He is also T2 diabetic (insulin 4 times a day) but his diet is absolutely woeful. His weight has slowly crept up and is now out of control.

Mcdonalds every day (and it's not just a cheeseburger it's a large meal with a fizzy drink, 6 nuggets or he will order 5 chicken mayos)
Huge bowl of crunch nut cornflakes every morning for breakfast with whole milk
Hardly ever drinks water & can easily drink 2ltrs of pepsi max in a day if not more
Huge portions of whatever he eats. He will get two of whatever he fancies from Greggs (2 steak bakes, 2 sausage rolls & 2 doughnuts ect) or order 5 separate dishes from the Chinese / Indian excluding the rice / chips / poppadoms that he has to have of course. Whatever he doesn't eat he has for breakfast the same day.
He has take aways 4 out of the 7 days. I always make food at home and he will have that too.
Has sleep apnea but refuses to where his masks as he doesn't like it (another reason I sleep with my son also)
Eats copius amounts of sweets & chocolate with reckless abandon
Falls asleep throughout the day

Always moaning his body/ kidneys hurt and is constantly tired
Refuses to change his diet
Never walks anywhere, always drives. We live exactly 5 doors away from our GP surgery and he still drives there.
Has an excuse or reason for everything.

Hasn't got up with our son in about 2.5yrs. I sleep with him as he is on the autism pathway & climbs on the windowsill / headboard and i'm scared he will get tangled in the curtains or unlock the window and escape (ground floor flat but next to a very very busy road) so it's safer for him to sleep with me until we can afford to make the room my DP sleeps in safe for DS to sleep in after a OT assessment which is due in May.
He lays in bed till gone 8 or 9am (ds can decide to be up for the day at 3am/4am and not sleep again until around 1pm)
He will occasionally hoover or wash up
Never cooks. If he can't stick it in the microwave or airfryer he won't do it all house work, cooking & laundry falls on me.

I could live again with the breath I waste on him asking, begging and pleading for him to look after himself. As I said our 3yr old is on the autism pathway, he is a runner, no sense of danger and just runs and runs and runs until he is caught and he will never be able to run after him if he ever breaks loose from his harness. I don't know what to do, nothing I say sinks in. I am thinking of leaving as we are dictated by him what outings we do as he cannot walk far at all without sweat pouring out of him & he has to rest every 5/10mins and it's infuriating. I wanted to go to the seaside and zoo soon (separate days) but he wants to hire a mobilty scooter to use both visits and it's instantly put me off going.
I love walking and being outside (i can drive just hate it especially in London) and DS loves being outside too.

We can't even think of going on holiday abroad or uk due to his size and mobilty. He got weighed at Boots 3 days ago and is almost 27st & he is only 5'9 he doesn't even try and help himself.
He's 35 & i'm scared he won't see 40 the way he is going. His pip & esa never lasts as goes on his huge food consumption & petrol so i pay for 90% of bills, food shopping, clothes for ds and whatever else he may need.
So sorry this is so long, both my parents died when before I was 20 & I have no siblings / auntys/ friends to confide in.

If he is autistic
It's really hard helping yourself.
I was 27 stone 18 months ago .
But it didn't stop me running a busy home ,
I'm extremely embarrassed to admit it ..going to have to name change now
But I just kept blocking it out
I was depressed and couldn't help myself
I still am depressed,I went to doctor and got approved for weight loss surgery
Which I was terrified of having,so that pushed me to loose weight
I have lost 11 stone,and want to ,lose more .
But the depression is literally,killing me ..I was eating to make myself feel good .
This thread made me feel so sad ,for him ,and for me ..I wonder if people were looking at me and thinking the same .
I have two autistic DC ,and two not diagnosed and I was slowly sinking
I'm so ashamed I got so fat ..but. I just couldn't help myself
I'm on weight loss injections,I couldn't of done it without them .

But the money he is getting is being used to make himself iller.

Yes, agree - but sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they will seek that help. I don’t think OP is unreasonable to kick him out/leave him. It may give him the wake up call that ultimately saves his life.

It sounds like he has an eating disorder or MH issue.

What would the suggestion be if this were about a woman with these issues instead of a man?

I am a very selfish person.
I am very kind and generous but my health (mental and physical) always comes first (apart from my DC).

If you feel that your health is being affected, then you need to leave.
Stress reduces your life expectancy and so without sounding dramatic, this is slowly killing you.

Life is so short and we need to try and get as much happiness out of it as possible.

This man may have problems that he can’t help but he is a grown adult, not one of your children.
He is meant to be someone you can depend on, who supports you, who you can rely on when you’re struggling and who is going to improve your life.

Put yourself first OP.

Well done for everything you have achieved.

I've also used WLI to lose weight while working night shifts and having an autistic child to care for. I don't have the head space to do it without them and was gaining half a stone each year until then. I'm appreciating being fitter for my job and happier for my family.

Yes, he could use the PIP money to pay for it surely.

He should be contributing financially, I get PIP and use that for our family's food shopping.

I would sit down and do a budget with him OP, talk over the weight loss jabs and how you are feeling.

You sound ground down by him but I think you should reframe your thinking and find your anger. He is costing your family by not working and spending huge sums on food, he is causing you extra work and worry, he is not being a proper father to your child, he is causing you and the dc to miss holidays, days out, fun and normal family experiences, he is going to turn you into a carer which you were for your mum already and instead of adding to your life and wanting the best for his family, he is going down the selfish route of what about me.

I would speak to the housing department to find out what happens if you want him gone and then either ask him to leave or get a babysitter and have a make or break conversation with him making it clear that it’s get himself sorted out now or move the bell out. You have accepted his behaviour for long enough.

Even if you have to pay for the injections it must be cheaper than all that food. The weight plus the junk food is going to make him feel worse. There was a documentary about Michael Mosley and celebs eating junk food and the effect it had on all of them and it was shocking most were pulled out after a week or two as previously healthy people were at risk of strokes and god knows what.

Your life would be more fulfilled without him; he’s not helping you in anyway whether that be sharing the load of parenting / house work / or emotionally. He’s adding stress to you. I feel for you, it’s so sad you don’t have parents for support I know the feeling x

Maybe consider telling his mum you're throwing him out and seeing how she responds? Would she be willing to house him? Willing to house him but not to do the childcare too? Or do you think she'd think "well, if he's here, he can at least do the childcare" and then he just wouldn't? She should probably be included in the planning here.

To be blunt that's completely irrelevant because he'll be dead long before retirement age, if retirement age is even still a concept when the OP reaches her late 60s. She's a beautician with a severely disabled child and he's on PIP - planning the epic trips for retirement is as far removed from a practical consideration as his odds of teaching himself Spanish to enhance the quality of future holidays is.

That’s amazing!! Well done you!! 💐💐

I think some people don’t realise that overeating is a form of self harm.
Its no different to taking drugs or slitting your wrists.

"I could live again with the breath I waste on him"

Absolutely love this phrase! I will be using it with the kids, imminently I suspect.

Really, you should leave. Too much energy wasted on him when it needs to be spent elsewhere. Between a young autistic child and a morbidly obese husband on a mobility scooter, days out won't be as fun as you'd imagine. I say that as a parent of 2 autistic children and when they were younger I took them everywhere but they were out of their comfort zone.

I am only sharing this to spell out that without the baggage of your partner, you can focus your mind on your children's needs. I'm convinced your life would be much easier without him. I used to bitterly resent my ex doing nothing around the house whilst not working. Now the house is, mostly, happy vibes. Good luck.

Kicking him out might even do him a favour if he has less money to spend on food.

I echo everyone else, he’s selfish if he doesn’t even want to try and help himself. I mean why does he think you should do everything and pay?

You will be his carer soon, so I would leave him now. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee. If not for himself, his son.

Why are you comparing yourself to this man?

You sought medical help. By yourself I presume.
You ran/run a household. A busy one as well.
You are caring for FOUR children which is a feat all by itself but with two autistic as well? Wow.

You are nothing like him. Congratulations on your weight loss, seriously, but from your post do you think you need to go back to your GP to discuss your depression and low mood?

I don't think I could live with someone who had effectively disabled themselves and refused to acknowledge that his weight was the primary cause of his health issues (which it is; every condition you've mentioned he struggles with is either caused or severely exacerbated by being so overweight).

He obviously has some serious psychological issues around food and is in colossal denial about it. His eating is probably masking some other fear/anxiety that he has which he isn't even aware of and it sounds like there's a hell of a lot to unpack. But unless he can acknowledge that he has a problem and needs a lot of psychological help to overcome it, it's going to be impossible to get him to engage.

He's taking the piss out of you right there. Mobility scooters aren't slow, if it's crawling along that's because he's chosen to go slowly. Scooter speed is restricted, but the slowest restriction is 4mph. I sometimes jog beside my mum on her scooter. 😁

It’s sad isn’t it. If he could get down to say 12 stone he could run after his child, they could have more children, he could work, OP could see a future. They could actually one day plan to holiday in retirement. But his greedy laziness has trapped her in what sounds like a very shit life indeed.

You can leave him for sure. But the thing is, how is your 3yo going to be safe when he stays with his father?

fwiw it’s not very difficult to get into that horrific eating pattern so I do have some sympathy for him. Eating can be a major addiction. My dm’s dp was like it. It resulted in amputations. People do have differing propensity to consume food, I imagine he is also depressed. I don’t know the answer.

I don’t think it’s really accurate to call it greed/laziness.

That's what I thought.

@lonelyinlondon99

Mobility scooter speed is maximum 4 mph on pavements. 8 mph on roads.
Average adult walking speed is 2.5 mph to 4 mph for a fit person.

He is taking you for a fool. Again.

He will probably be dead by 45 if he doesn't lose weight, the human body cannot withstand that amount of neglect.

I've actually voted YABU due to the fact you are allowing this situation to continue. The lack of respect for you and your child is beyond belief; selfishness that doesn't deserve a relationship.

Tell him he has to leave as he is a mental and financial burden. He will need evicting so you may have to go down a legal route or involve the police.

you need to focus on your son and his needs, you can't be looking after him as well.

Sorry if this has already been addressed but if you leave him and he has custody of your ds for weekends will he safe with him? Would your ex’s mum be around to supervise?

Not wanting to put you off leaving as I think you need to but worth thinking about

Yes. But how much state intervention do you want into how people spend their money? Benefits are decided on administrative grounds and only withheld where recipients don't comply with the rules - they're not withheld as a paternalistic intervention because the recipient might not spend them on things in their best interests.

PIP isn't given to people based on whether they will make good choices about how to spend it, but on whether they are too disabled to earn money by working.

If the OP's partner ends up single he'll have topay for his daily living expenses with his PIP. If it were unavailable he would remain too disabled to work and reliant on charity from family and friends or actual charities.

Some people with disabling levels of obesity plus co-morbidity would be on the streets without PIP and the other benefits they're entitled to and of course would die very quickly if charities couldn't intervene. To think that's good is a very dangerous direction to go in.

Denying benefits because people spend them in ways that are bad for them is potentially a slippery slope. Pragmatically it would also be very expensive and difficult to police what benefits are spent on.

@lonelyinlondon99 I think you are very close to becoming a carer for your DP as well as for your child, if he continues to get larger and more disabled. That seems inevitable given the T2 diabetes that he isn't addressing and the continued extreme overeating. It doesn't seem reasonable to expect you to take on that role.

He clearly has an issue that is driving him to essentially self harm, which he doesn't seem able to recognise or address yet. He isn't able to hear it from his mum, the GP or from you. Has he ever worked and been able to function?