To leave DP due to his refusal to look after his health

[lonelyinlondon99]

Firstly, I apologise for how long this is but i feel it necessary so you all get a picture of how desperate this situation is.

DP of 7yrs is slowly killing himself. He was diagnosed with fibro about 3yrs ago & hasn't worked since. He is also T2 diabetic (insulin 4 times a day) but his diet is absolutely woeful. His weight has slowly crept up and is now out of control.

Mcdonalds every day (and it's not just a cheeseburger it's a large meal with a fizzy drink, 6 nuggets or he will order 5 chicken mayos)
Huge bowl of crunch nut cornflakes every morning for breakfast with whole milk
Hardly ever drinks water & can easily drink 2ltrs of pepsi max in a day if not more
Huge portions of whatever he eats. He will get two of whatever he fancies from Greggs (2 steak bakes, 2 sausage rolls & 2 doughnuts ect) or order 5 separate dishes from the Chinese / Indian excluding the rice / chips / poppadoms that he has to have of course. Whatever he doesn't eat he has for breakfast the same day.
He has take aways 4 out of the 7 days. I always make food at home and he will have that too.
Has sleep apnea but refuses to where his masks as he doesn't like it (another reason I sleep with my son also)
Eats copius amounts of sweets & chocolate with reckless abandon
Falls asleep throughout the day

Always moaning his body/ kidneys hurt and is constantly tired
Refuses to change his diet
Never walks anywhere, always drives. We live exactly 5 doors away from our GP surgery and he still drives there.
Has an excuse or reason for everything.

Hasn't got up with our son in about 2.5yrs. I sleep with him as he is on the autism pathway & climbs on the windowsill / headboard and i'm scared he will get tangled in the curtains or unlock the window and escape (ground floor flat but next to a very very busy road) so it's safer for him to sleep with me until we can afford to make the room my DP sleeps in safe for DS to sleep in after a OT assessment which is due in May.
He lays in bed till gone 8 or 9am (ds can decide to be up for the day at 3am/4am and not sleep again until around 1pm)
He will occasionally hoover or wash up
Never cooks. If he can't stick it in the microwave or airfryer he won't do it all house work, cooking & laundry falls on me.

I could live again with the breath I waste on him asking, begging and pleading for him to look after himself. As I said our 3yr old is on the autism pathway, he is a runner, no sense of danger and just runs and runs and runs until he is caught and he will never be able to run after him if he ever breaks loose from his harness. I don't know what to do, nothing I say sinks in. I am thinking of leaving as we are dictated by him what outings we do as he cannot walk far at all without sweat pouring out of him & he has to rest every 5/10mins and it's infuriating. I wanted to go to the seaside and zoo soon (separate days) but he wants to hire a mobilty scooter to use both visits and it's instantly put me off going.
I love walking and being outside (i can drive just hate it especially in London) and DS loves being outside too.

We can't even think of going on holiday abroad or uk due to his size and mobilty. He got weighed at Boots 3 days ago and is almost 27st & he is only 5'9 he doesn't even try and help himself.
He's 35 & i'm scared he won't see 40 the way he is going. His pip & esa never lasts as goes on his huge food consumption & petrol so i pay for 90% of bills, food shopping, clothes for ds and whatever else he may need.
So sorry this is so long, both my parents died when before I was 20 & I have no siblings / auntys/ friends to confide in.

Ok so how will this work he goes back to mum?
He could see his son with her there as well

You stay in you council tenancy

Sounds like it will be a battle to get him out

And yes he is risking not seeing 40 and his son growing up if he carries on. But that’s a separate issue.

He’s clearly got an eating disorder and needs help.

Yes, tell him he has to leave your home.
You have enough going on with your child.
He is not your responsibility.

I agree with everything @TheHouseElf said. He obviously has issues and you can sympathise of course, and even point him in the direction of services that might help him, but as your child's only functional parent you absolutely have to put him first. If you leave you'll have more time and energy for your son, less frustration, and fewer restrictions on what you can do as a family. I think you know what you have to do, and I really wish you the best of luck!

And he can access that help when he’s ready. OP can’t make him and she’s got enough on caring for her disabled young son entirely alone.

Why should OP leave him ?
She's on the tenancy, she should stay & he should go - one way or another.

I absolutely couldn't live with this man, your life would.be so much easier if you only have to worry about taking care of one child

However I dont understand what you mean about not wanting to do things with him if he hires a mobility scooter. Surely that is a better option than him attempting to walk and having to stop every 5 minutes? It doesnt stop you and your son walking?

Your partner is morbidly obese at 27 stone and only 5ft 9. He's a ticking time bomb for high blood pressure, high cholesterol (if he's doesn't have it already) and a candidate for a stroke/heart attack. He's clearly not managing his diabetes, because his sugar consumption is off the chart for someone insulin reliant. The copious amounts of food, aren't helping his weight.

He's 35, and already can't walk far due to his inability to take responsibility for his health. In 10 years time (if not before), you will end up as a carer for your partner. You already have a son with special needs, who requires a lot of care and your attention.

End the relationship. You deserve far better. Your life and that of your son's is severely restricted due to your partner. As the property is yours and in your name, you can ask him to leave. Where he goes isn't your issue. Do you think your partner's Mum will still support you with childcare if you split from your partner? In theory she should but reality is, regardless of how your partner might be, he's still her son!

I know the man he was and can be again if he only tried. I love him dearly & that's why i try to get him to help himself. I just don't know how long i can waste my breath & my sons childhood on him.

Have you given him any ultimatums? 1 month to see a doctor and start therapy / WLIs?

He sounds disgusting and he’s living the life of Riley at your expense. So his mum looks after your child while you are at work? Does he help? Will his mum continue to help if you split? I absolutely would kick him out

In your position I’d leave.

He won’t seek help no matter how often you ask.hes got to want to do it himself

has he declared the sleep apnea to the dvla it’s a notifiable condition and him not using his cpap is dangerous and putting others lives at risk every time he drives.

Probably because it would be bloody annoying knowing he was on a disability scooter as a result of his own choice. I wouldn’t want to go to zoo with him either

He complains i'm leaving him behind and walking off. Makes out i'm embarrassed to be seen with him but i'm not. He wants me to walk as slow as the scooter goes but I have to walk at the pace DS does x

Think of yourself and your child who has to be your priority. His needs far outweigh any loyalty you feel you have to nurture towards DP. Your child has to come first, he came into this world with health issues, DP chooses to exacerbate his by sheer irresponsibly!
Time to move on and focus on you little boy. I wish you strength, joy and luck 💐

OP, can you enlist his mum's help in doing an "intervention" of the kind but structured sort? Make a plan, then sit down with him and lay out what he needs to do to stay with you, otherwise you'll be insisting he leaves. This plan should begin with: Go to the GP (you might go with him) and ask for help in the form of WLI, which it sounds like he more than qualifies for.

You can't change him, you've tried, you have the proof that you can't make him change through your support, love, encouragement, complaints or criticism. He can carry on making the terrible choices he has been doing and no one can stop him

Separate. Get him out of your house. He can possibly stay with his mum. Keep the lines of communication open and as calm and reasonable as possible. If he sorts himself out then you can look at your relationship again. He needs to fully understand that you cannot and will not exist as you have been doing. He clearly needs medical help, but no one can force him to accept it. He needs to come to that himself. Possibly a life changing event like the loss of his home and family with the reason why being explained to him might make him reassess what he's doing.

Is he on the tenancy? That's crucial.

Assuming he is not, it's as simple as telling him to leave, setting a date and sticking to it.

Yes he probably has a MH issue but he is refusing to do anything. None of this is your problem if he won't even help himself a tiny bit.

Easier said than done, but you need to get him out. He will have to present to the council as homeless if necessary.

He sounds dreadful. I would have left long ago.

So he won't do anything proactive about his health problems, but you have to hear all his complaints.

You do all the work with your shared DS yet partner's unmanaged-by-choice health conditions dictate the short amount of leisure time you could have.

If you do not leave, you will end up caring full-time for your partner.

You and your son deserve better @lonelyinlondon99

Time to "get your ducks in a row" as MNers say. At least find out what your options are for a life where you are not with him.

If he actually needs professional carers or social services help now, that is something partner must sort out.

I would tell him your embarrased to be seen with a 35 year old whose nearly 30 stone in weight going around on a motability scooter because he chooses to scoff his face like a greedy man instead of trying to get healthy. Shame the fucker, he needs it or else he will never see the issue.

Yeah, leave. This bloke is taking the piss.

If he loved you just as dearly, he would have gotten help for his eating problems or at the very least attempted to cut down. ND or ARFID isn't an excuse for gorging yourself to death because millions of people have that and manage to eat just fine. If he loved your son then some part of him would want to partake in family activities like going on holiday or making nice memories together.

He doesn't give a shit about what you think and how you feel sadly, so why are you unconditionally "loving" someone like this? What does he ever do that makes you think he cares about you? Sorry if this sounds harsh but it's really baffling why women use love to justify staying in a horrific situation.

If you looked at it objectively, he's leaving you as the sole caretaker of a special needs child which is difficult and exhausting at the best of times. His weight is red herring because he's doing exactly what thousands of able-bodied lazy bastards do, which is pretend their child doesn't exist and hope their partner will take care of it all.