To leave DP due to his refusal to look after his health

[lonelyinlondon99]

Firstly, I apologise for how long this is but i feel it necessary so you all get a picture of how desperate this situation is.

DP of 7yrs is slowly killing himself. He was diagnosed with fibro about 3yrs ago & hasn't worked since. He is also T2 diabetic (insulin 4 times a day) but his diet is absolutely woeful. His weight has slowly crept up and is now out of control.

Mcdonalds every day (and it's not just a cheeseburger it's a large meal with a fizzy drink, 6 nuggets or he will order 5 chicken mayos)
Huge bowl of crunch nut cornflakes every morning for breakfast with whole milk
Hardly ever drinks water & can easily drink 2ltrs of pepsi max in a day if not more
Huge portions of whatever he eats. He will get two of whatever he fancies from Greggs (2 steak bakes, 2 sausage rolls & 2 doughnuts ect) or order 5 separate dishes from the Chinese / Indian excluding the rice / chips / poppadoms that he has to have of course. Whatever he doesn't eat he has for breakfast the same day.
He has take aways 4 out of the 7 days. I always make food at home and he will have that too.
Has sleep apnea but refuses to where his masks as he doesn't like it (another reason I sleep with my son also)
Eats copius amounts of sweets & chocolate with reckless abandon
Falls asleep throughout the day

Always moaning his body/ kidneys hurt and is constantly tired
Refuses to change his diet
Never walks anywhere, always drives. We live exactly 5 doors away from our GP surgery and he still drives there.
Has an excuse or reason for everything.

Hasn't got up with our son in about 2.5yrs. I sleep with him as he is on the autism pathway & climbs on the windowsill / headboard and i'm scared he will get tangled in the curtains or unlock the window and escape (ground floor flat but next to a very very busy road) so it's safer for him to sleep with me until we can afford to make the room my DP sleeps in safe for DS to sleep in after a OT assessment which is due in May.
He lays in bed till gone 8 or 9am (ds can decide to be up for the day at 3am/4am and not sleep again until around 1pm)
He will occasionally hoover or wash up
Never cooks. If he can't stick it in the microwave or airfryer he won't do it all house work, cooking & laundry falls on me.

I could live again with the breath I waste on him asking, begging and pleading for him to look after himself. As I said our 3yr old is on the autism pathway, he is a runner, no sense of danger and just runs and runs and runs until he is caught and he will never be able to run after him if he ever breaks loose from his harness. I don't know what to do, nothing I say sinks in. I am thinking of leaving as we are dictated by him what outings we do as he cannot walk far at all without sweat pouring out of him & he has to rest every 5/10mins and it's infuriating. I wanted to go to the seaside and zoo soon (separate days) but he wants to hire a mobilty scooter to use both visits and it's instantly put me off going.
I love walking and being outside (i can drive just hate it especially in London) and DS loves being outside too.

We can't even think of going on holiday abroad or uk due to his size and mobilty. He got weighed at Boots 3 days ago and is almost 27st & he is only 5'9 he doesn't even try and help himself.
He's 35 & i'm scared he won't see 40 the way he is going. His pip & esa never lasts as goes on his huge food consumption & petrol so i pay for 90% of bills, food shopping, clothes for ds and whatever else he may need.
So sorry this is so long, both my parents died when before I was 20 & I have no siblings / auntys/ friends to confide in.

I hope you have a life insurance policy for him. I think you could be claiming soon.

Dude this guy sounds like a financial sinkhole.

Sad to say, but you really do have to separate. Yes, he may have a medical condition(s) and may be depressed, etc., but he's draining you and dragging you down too which is completely unfair on you.

You may also do him a favour if by chucking him out it may knock some sense into him that he needs to address his lifestyle etc.

IF, and only IF, he accepted his problems, started to change his ways, and seemed genuine in wanting to change, there MAY be a future for you together, but I suspect he'd be all "words" and apologies and promises when you tell him to move out, but there'll be no actual actions and his weight and health problems will just get worse.

Maybe worth a warning shot across the bows by giving him an ultimate to change or move out, in say, a month. And if there is no genuine sign of change then follow it through.

I feel very sorry for both of you op 💐. This is an awful situation for you to be in.

I think it’s obvious that your dh has a mh problem as much as a physical issue.

I’m sorry though bc it must feel like he has given up on you and your son.

I guess you either carry on loving him faults and all, despite his failings, or you don’t. Your priority has to be your child.

And you can carry on loving him whilst living separately. There is nothing more you can do if he won’t help himself. 💐

tell him to leave op please.
you and your son are so much better off without him

Tell him you no longer wish to be his partner and ask him to move out of your flat.

You weren't put on this earth to spend your one short life working him out and accommodating him. He wants to live like this, great. Let him. You don't have to join in.

You absolutely must leave this man, if you don't he will drag you all down with him.

He sounds like he has an eating disorder tbh

I would leave. He takes no responsibility for himself or trying to improve his health. Lazy and selfish and contributes nothing. You'd be better off without him.

If he doesn't wear his CPAP then he's heading for a heart attack or stroke anyway. If he doesnt lose his feet first.

I think you should get out now before you have 2 to care for OP.

He's not a partner, he's a drain on your life, energy and emotions. He won't change and as others have said you can leave for any reason and do not have to justify it to anyone. He won't change while you are there and I doubt he will change when you go unless the shock of you leaving makes him assess how he lives. Go, live the life you deserve, you are not responsible for him and his wellbeing.

And what will shaming him about his weight do exactly? If that really worked, then Society would look very different to how it currently does.

Is your your dp also a tenant?

Has this started since you had your child? You’ve only been with him 7 years, and were obviously having sex with him 3 or so years ago as you have a child.

so when did it start tk change?

i think the way to see it as - this man is the equivalent of an alcohol/drug/gambling addict - he is addicted to UPF/ fast food - and is doing nothing to tackle that addiction.

Just as many addicts will not listen until they hit the real rock bottom of losing family - that is probably the reality here.

You can leave anyone for any reason @lonelyinlondon99

He is clearly addicted to processed food.
Have you read Ultra Processed People??
He is setting a dire example for your son.

I also wanted to add that all three year olds ‘are runners’ with no sense of danger! And climbers. This is completely normal. I wonder how much of your stress is being directed at this aswell because as I say these behaviors are completely normal at 3.

put yourself first. Best of luck to you xxxx

he sounds like a totally lost soul, who cannot change his ways even if that would be to be few more years around his precious little son whose life might be challenging too due to potential diagnosis ....if you leave? - yes, you will be better off

A partner should enhance your life.

I'm sorry op that sounds so difficult and it's the fact that as your partner in life, he's actively adding to your load instead of splitting it equally with you. I would also think seriously about leaving.

I do feel a bit sorry for him, he sounds very disempowered in his own life and while he may not be depressed as such, it certainly isn't much of a life that he's living. But op that doesn't mean you need to be tied to that to the extent it drags you down as well.

Unfortunately you can't change him, all you can do is respond to what he puts out there and if he's point blank refusing to address anything or take responsibility for himself then he's ultimately making a choice.

It also sounds like he's not really educating himself enough around your dc's needs. To the point its creating risks.

I think you need to have a come to Jesus talk with him. I'd tell him you don't need or expect him to be perfect or for an overnight fix but you do expect him to make a solid attempt to change his life, prioritise his health and start to step up as a husband and father. I would be telling him that you did not sign on to be his housekeeper or carer, especially when he's making choices that are compromising his health as opposed to things that are beyond his control. It's deeply unfair for him to put you in that role and to leave you solely accountable for everything home and child related. I'd tell him that you're giving him x amount of months and if in that time he hasn't seriously committed to change then he will need to leave your home. And I'd tell him that you love him and you deeply hope that he chooses to stay and make changes but the ball is in his court. He knows where you stand and you won't be commenting/ reminding/ nagging/ organising things for him in this department. It's his responsibility but you will be watching to see what choices he makes.

Sorry to hear you've been having such difficulties. You've had a harder life than many and I wonder if your vulnerability and experience of caring for your mum led you to choose your partner and a dynamic that was familiar to you.

Your partner is slowly killing himself in front of you, limiting his child and his partner through his choices. I don't think he will live much longer either, and he doesn't seem to care. Awful situation to be in but I'm afraid that you have a lot on your plate without having to convince someone else to take care of themselves in such a basic way.

I wish you much luck OP and hope you get a break in life.

Fuck. That.

Oh love you are so young. You must get rid of him. Every second you spend trying to get him to change is one less second for you and your DS.

This is a form of self abuse and control. My bf has a relative like this. Whilst he's not overweight he's killing himself with the rubbish he eats and his lack of living. But he's ok with it. He even says it doesn't matter. It makes me so mad as others fight tooth and nail to be well.

I bet your DP is resigned to it.

This.
He is mentally unwell. Possibly autistic as well given your DS diagnosis.

BUT none of that means you have to stay with him. You definitely can leave and probably have a much better life.

He has been offered MJ jabs, he had 3 doses and said it hurt his stomach and stopped.
His mum lives in a 1 bed flat so no room for him but he has friends and cousins he could go to.
His mum bollocks him all the time about his weight and laziness but he just doesn't listen. He will picks his car keys up and go out. He is incredibly rude to her, speaks to her like dirt and I tell him he had no right to because she is such a lovely woman.
I have asked him numerous times if he is depressed he says no. I said if he doesn't want to talk to me about things why doesn't he go to Andys Man Club he said he doesn't need to. I do think he has a food addiction. He was never skinny he was around 20st when we met, similar build and body type as Eddie Hall. He was active, went to work no problem, walked the dog we had for miles with no issues. Then he injured his knee, then the fibro got diagnosed & he got signed off work & he has just gorged himself and gained all his weight in 3 years. He gets quite a bit of a PIP + with his ESA he gets around £900 a month.
He will put his own needs before anything as he knows i won't see our son go without. I think i've been to kind and to naive. Typing it all out I feel such a mug. I'm a very kind and caring person & I think he's took full advantage of it.

His fibro?