To leave DP due to his refusal to look after his health

[lonelyinlondon99]

Firstly, I apologise for how long this is but i feel it necessary so you all get a picture of how desperate this situation is.

DP of 7yrs is slowly killing himself. He was diagnosed with fibro about 3yrs ago & hasn't worked since. He is also T2 diabetic (insulin 4 times a day) but his diet is absolutely woeful. His weight has slowly crept up and is now out of control.

Mcdonalds every day (and it's not just a cheeseburger it's a large meal with a fizzy drink, 6 nuggets or he will order 5 chicken mayos)
Huge bowl of crunch nut cornflakes every morning for breakfast with whole milk
Hardly ever drinks water & can easily drink 2ltrs of pepsi max in a day if not more
Huge portions of whatever he eats. He will get two of whatever he fancies from Greggs (2 steak bakes, 2 sausage rolls & 2 doughnuts ect) or order 5 separate dishes from the Chinese / Indian excluding the rice / chips / poppadoms that he has to have of course. Whatever he doesn't eat he has for breakfast the same day.
He has take aways 4 out of the 7 days. I always make food at home and he will have that too.
Has sleep apnea but refuses to where his masks as he doesn't like it (another reason I sleep with my son also)
Eats copius amounts of sweets & chocolate with reckless abandon
Falls asleep throughout the day

Always moaning his body/ kidneys hurt and is constantly tired
Refuses to change his diet
Never walks anywhere, always drives. We live exactly 5 doors away from our GP surgery and he still drives there.
Has an excuse or reason for everything.

Hasn't got up with our son in about 2.5yrs. I sleep with him as he is on the autism pathway & climbs on the windowsill / headboard and i'm scared he will get tangled in the curtains or unlock the window and escape (ground floor flat but next to a very very busy road) so it's safer for him to sleep with me until we can afford to make the room my DP sleeps in safe for DS to sleep in after a OT assessment which is due in May.
He lays in bed till gone 8 or 9am (ds can decide to be up for the day at 3am/4am and not sleep again until around 1pm)
He will occasionally hoover or wash up
Never cooks. If he can't stick it in the microwave or airfryer he won't do it all house work, cooking & laundry falls on me.

I could live again with the breath I waste on him asking, begging and pleading for him to look after himself. As I said our 3yr old is on the autism pathway, he is a runner, no sense of danger and just runs and runs and runs until he is caught and he will never be able to run after him if he ever breaks loose from his harness. I don't know what to do, nothing I say sinks in. I am thinking of leaving as we are dictated by him what outings we do as he cannot walk far at all without sweat pouring out of him & he has to rest every 5/10mins and it's infuriating. I wanted to go to the seaside and zoo soon (separate days) but he wants to hire a mobilty scooter to use both visits and it's instantly put me off going.
I love walking and being outside (i can drive just hate it especially in London) and DS loves being outside too.

We can't even think of going on holiday abroad or uk due to his size and mobilty. He got weighed at Boots 3 days ago and is almost 27st & he is only 5'9 he doesn't even try and help himself.
He's 35 & i'm scared he won't see 40 the way he is going. His pip & esa never lasts as goes on his huge food consumption & petrol so i pay for 90% of bills, food shopping, clothes for ds and whatever else he may need.
So sorry this is so long, both my parents died when before I was 20 & I have no siblings / auntys/ friends to confide in.

He doesn't need WLI's, he needs to take ownership of the deadly disease that type 2 diabetes is. I'm type 2, on small doses of medication (not insulin) and eat a very restricted lower carb diet. It absolutely sucks, but I do it because I've got a family to be around for. I walk 12k steps a day, use a studio cycle and make sure that I take my meds every day/see diabetic nurse every 6 months.

He's a lost cause OP, I've got to know my diabetic nurse really well (was diagnosed over 15 years ago) and she said it's infuriating the amount of patients who won't change their lifestyle and expect the medication to do it for them. Get away from it now before you become his full time carer and have to wipe his arse for him. Because that's where he's heading.

What would leaving him look like? You would have to ask him to leave your home I presume? Does he have somewhere to go?

If you don't love him, like him and clearly see no future with him, mostly because he is stopping himself from having a future at all, then you shouldn't stay together.

However in the short term you can do all those things you want to do without him. My husband used to work very long hours, so I'd just go on day trips and holidays without him, there's no way I was going to sit around with the kids bored out my mind missing out on life because he couldn't be there. If you want to go to the zoo just go to the zoo! Sounds like he'd be worse than useless anyway in terms of helping out with keeping an eye on your child, so just go without him.

Not necessarily ADHD. A bad diet can cause brain fog, he might just be unbothered by life and lazy, single vision, unless it’s important to him he’ll not be bothered about focusing.
He doesn’t forget his sugar fix and daily McDonald’s.

YANBU. Your life will be so, so much better without him.

You and your son matter OP. Get out now. Life should be better than this.

Only he can make the changes needed to help himself.

He needs you to leave to make him realise you're not messing around. You mean it. If he doesn't get himself sorted, he'll not only lose you permanently but he won't get to see his son grow up.

I honestly don't think he will change until you do leave him.

I would leave him just because he doesn't do his share of the household chores or his share of parenting.

Add in the factor of him eating/wasting on takeouts a vast proportion of the meagre money coming in that could go towards keeping your joint child safe would be another reason. He's not putting the child first.

My third would be not wanting to watch another human being self harm to the extent they will end up having a limb amputated in the near future. Being diabetic and eating so many wrong foods is on a par with wrist cutting imho. Would you stay and watch somebody slash their arms every week in front of your joint child? No, you would not.

Leave OP, and have a happier life. If it becomes a turning point for this man then let him prove he is worthy of you and your child for a minimum a year. He needs GP help for medication, he needs counselling, he needs to lose weight, he needs to stop self harming, he needs to become an equal in household and parenting. He can do all that at a separate address.

He doesn't sound well but yeah, it sounds like your life would be easier without him. I would really struggle with a partner who didn't do any of the early mornings or look after our child so I could get a break.

His take aways come before your sons safety?

How awful, I'm sorry.

I'd be leaving someone who didn't help with our child, even without the health issues.

Leave now or you'll end up caring for him until his body gives up. You've been a carer in life already and you have enough to do in looking after your son.

In general I prefer not to see obesity as a moral failing, it's a chronic disease. But in this case he's being truly selfish, from what you've said.

Does your partner not look at your child and think that you and your child need help?
Does he not realise that you can't do it all and he needs to make changes.
He should be able to get a glp 1 medication and be willing to make life style changes with this. Even losing 3 or 4 stone would make a difference with his health issues.

So along with the non stop eating, doing no housework, never getting up at night with his child your also paying 90% of the bills because his money goes on petrol, food and keeping the local greegs in business.
Tell him the next benefit day that you need x amount for the rent and bills and that you can't afford to support him.

My feeling is that he will complain and this gives you a chance to tell him to move out because you had enough of him eating, doing nothing about his weight, complaining about his health issues and doing nothing to help you out.
To be honest you have enough to deal with your child and you can't afford to be paying 90% of the bills either.
If he was paying his share of bills you have money to pay for extra things for your child say like an assessment, to go to a speech therapist ect.
Tell him as well that you need x amount a week from him for his child.

I would not blame you for doing this as he is treating you and his son terribly. I also think that you had enough of supporting him and his selfish behaviour.

I would leave him as quickly as you can. He actually sounds revolting. I would not want my son to pick up the terrible habits from his father so I’d also be pushing for maximum custody of child as well.

You can’t help him and he has no respect for you to be living this way. Give yourself a new life to build and look forward to. Immediately.

Please leave. He is dragging you down and you and your son are suffering because of it. There is not one reason you should stay. Good luck in your new and improved future.

Mounjaro even if you have to pay privately. He will need his Dr's permission most likely due to his diabetes even if you purchase it privately. He will need the medication lifelong but will save most of it's cost on fast food. Mounjaro was a diabetes medication before it was approved as a weight loss medication.

I appreciate why people are saying leave him/kick him out but as someone who also has an autistic son you need your partner back and you need his help. He is probably spiralling as he is trying to bury his head in the sand about your son's needs and eat his feelings.

Has the GP not recommended weight loss injections @lonelyinlondon99 ? Your DP is exactly who should be on them.

Sling him out, don't you go anywhere op. Prioritise yourself and your child. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Put your oxygen mask on first and foremost because you're the one who needs to keep things together fir your child. You don't in anyway need to be your partners carer. His issues aside,you are not responsible for him at all and no amount of "issues" should make you stay in this situation. Your partner is complacent in every way and that is his problem not yours. If you don't feel ready to end things yet then give him an ultimatum and time frame and stuck to it. He's taking the piss out of you

Has he suddenly put the weight on
As you have a three year old together
So he was thinner when you slept with him to conceive your son ?
You don't much like him currently,so I assume he's put the weight on in the years since you had your son ..
So I'm just wondering what has changed in his life for him to put a large amount of weight on .
Sometimes things get so bad we can't face them ,and the mountain seems to high to climb to start trying to change them , depression sets in ,and motivation to do anything goes out of the window.
It sounds line you still love him ,but just don't like him much as he doesn't seem to be able to help himself.
I'd start with a doctor appointment that you attend together,look at his mental health,maybe he needs antidepressants
With his issues,I think he'd would meet the criteria for weight loss injections
That would be worth exploring with the doctor too.
But only if you want to ..maybe you've had enough and want to end the relationship.
He could go on the waiting list for weight loss surgery.
I mean you could suggest all this and his attitude would help you decide what to do ..
I expect he's autistic as well ,and using food for his sensory needs .
Either way he clearly needs some help ,if you are past helping him ,maybe his mum will

"if only he tried" isn't good enough OP.

My DH used to have some self-destructive habits, but used a T2D diagnosis to turn over a whole new leaf. Without any nudging from me!

Your DP sounds perfectly happy with things the way they are, especially as he needn't motivate himself because you're picking up all the pieces for him.

Apart from anything else, takeaways are expensive. Your life will be much easier to manage without this millstone round your neck.

I wonder if he would actually use WLIs even if prescribed them? He might enjoy his food intake too much.

Sounds more like an ED to me, but I'm no expert either.

Have you read the OP's updates?

His mother looks after the DS while OP works. Presumably OP couldn't afford to go to work without free childcare. The DP's mother might be a wonderful woman but she surely would draw the line at seeing her own son made homeless.

As someone who is planning retirement with DH, which includs some epic trips abroad, my thought was, how on earth could you do that with someone like this? If he doesn't change, he is going to hold you back from doing some wonderful things in life. We only live once.

OP, are you the one paying for all the takeaways (or at least some of them) seeing as your partner isn't working? I'm not sure how much people get for PIP but there's a massive irony in the fact that your partner is spending all his on junk food that's going to make him more ill. Takeaways are expensive these days! So is he contributing anything financially to you and your son, or is all that on you? You've already says he does nothing physically to help out.

If it's the latter, then please kick him out. He's making a choice, not just to binge on junk food that's going to kill him sooner or later once it's turned you into his carer, but to prioritise himself over you and even more importantly his own child. Unless that changes, there's absolutely no way I'd even consider staying with him, personally.

YANBU. It sounds like you’ve tried to support him. But if he’s not receptive to that support, there comes a time when you just need to give up. You’ve got your hands full caring for your little one, you don’t need to be your partner’s carer as well.

Her grandson is still her grandson whether the OP is with his dad or not. While I'm absolutely sure she doesn't want the obese junk food addict living with her instead of the OP, surely she wouldn't refuse to care for her own grandchild if they split up, leaving the OP unable to work and pay for them? It's not as if her own son is contributing anything in that department.

Get him out of your flat he adds nothing to your life. He is a useless Dad.
He is claiming benefits because he is too fat and unfit to work basically.