To leave DP due to his refusal to look after his health

[lonelyinlondon99]

Firstly, I apologise for how long this is but i feel it necessary so you all get a picture of how desperate this situation is.

DP of 7yrs is slowly killing himself. He was diagnosed with fibro about 3yrs ago & hasn't worked since. He is also T2 diabetic (insulin 4 times a day) but his diet is absolutely woeful. His weight has slowly crept up and is now out of control.

Mcdonalds every day (and it's not just a cheeseburger it's a large meal with a fizzy drink, 6 nuggets or he will order 5 chicken mayos)
Huge bowl of crunch nut cornflakes every morning for breakfast with whole milk
Hardly ever drinks water & can easily drink 2ltrs of pepsi max in a day if not more
Huge portions of whatever he eats. He will get two of whatever he fancies from Greggs (2 steak bakes, 2 sausage rolls & 2 doughnuts ect) or order 5 separate dishes from the Chinese / Indian excluding the rice / chips / poppadoms that he has to have of course. Whatever he doesn't eat he has for breakfast the same day.
He has take aways 4 out of the 7 days. I always make food at home and he will have that too.
Has sleep apnea but refuses to where his masks as he doesn't like it (another reason I sleep with my son also)
Eats copius amounts of sweets & chocolate with reckless abandon
Falls asleep throughout the day

Always moaning his body/ kidneys hurt and is constantly tired
Refuses to change his diet
Never walks anywhere, always drives. We live exactly 5 doors away from our GP surgery and he still drives there.
Has an excuse or reason for everything.

Hasn't got up with our son in about 2.5yrs. I sleep with him as he is on the autism pathway & climbs on the windowsill / headboard and i'm scared he will get tangled in the curtains or unlock the window and escape (ground floor flat but next to a very very busy road) so it's safer for him to sleep with me until we can afford to make the room my DP sleeps in safe for DS to sleep in after a OT assessment which is due in May.
He lays in bed till gone 8 or 9am (ds can decide to be up for the day at 3am/4am and not sleep again until around 1pm)
He will occasionally hoover or wash up
Never cooks. If he can't stick it in the microwave or airfryer he won't do it all house work, cooking & laundry falls on me.

I could live again with the breath I waste on him asking, begging and pleading for him to look after himself. As I said our 3yr old is on the autism pathway, he is a runner, no sense of danger and just runs and runs and runs until he is caught and he will never be able to run after him if he ever breaks loose from his harness. I don't know what to do, nothing I say sinks in. I am thinking of leaving as we are dictated by him what outings we do as he cannot walk far at all without sweat pouring out of him & he has to rest every 5/10mins and it's infuriating. I wanted to go to the seaside and zoo soon (separate days) but he wants to hire a mobilty scooter to use both visits and it's instantly put me off going.
I love walking and being outside (i can drive just hate it especially in London) and DS loves being outside too.

We can't even think of going on holiday abroad or uk due to his size and mobilty. He got weighed at Boots 3 days ago and is almost 27st & he is only 5'9 he doesn't even try and help himself.
He's 35 & i'm scared he won't see 40 the way he is going. His pip & esa never lasts as goes on his huge food consumption & petrol so i pay for 90% of bills, food shopping, clothes for ds and whatever else he may need.
So sorry this is so long, both my parents died when before I was 20 & I have no siblings / auntys/ friends to confide in.

What a gross man. Sounds like you're already a single parent.

Leave. He needs to hit rock bottom before he'll change.

Just to say, a relative of mine had undiagnosed diabetes. He's lost a leg due to gangrene/sepsis, is in kidney failure and now on dialysis, has damaged his eyesight so badly he has monthly injections INTO his eyes. Not his fault, the diabetes went undiagnosed. But still.

Leave. Because you are going to become his carer and you have your son to think about.

Perhaps you leaving will give him the reality check he badly needs.

Fibromyalgia isn’t real either, the symptoms are real but not the diagnosis it’ll be down to him not looking after himself.

If you weigh 27 stone, of course your joints are going to fucking hurt. The GP probably had to put something down as a diagnosis when they know all too well it's just people causing it themselves. T2 diabetes is hardly surprising either.

Surely people cannot get PIP for letting themselves get so fat it hurts to move though?

Yes they can unfortunately it goes off care needs.

Then partner is the one that needs to leave your flat @lonelyinlondon99

If he has nowhere else he can stay immediately, he needs to present himself as homeless to the local council and request temporary accommodation.
While the council decides if he meets the threshold for someone in priority need for housing, he would need to gather medical evidence to show he does.

My uncle was severely obese and refused to get any help whatsoever. My aunt tried to support him and eventually became his carer. He died a quite few years ago only mid 50s . Leaving behind their autistic son who my aunt is also carer for. She also cares for his mum who had to move in with them

He became increasingly nasty to her despite her help. I would get out now

Honestly why hasn't his doctor put him on Mounjaro?
If he tries to eat all that on it he will literally be sick.
Also what a colossal waste of money!! How is he affording all that? How are you and your son eating?

is your dh also autistic, mine is and he will act similar with food and ignoring his health until he cant. Its infuriating to be honest. I did not know my dh was until we had married and had children who are now diagnosed also. I try and keep it all together, its relentless and exhausting, we are more like room mates /co parents now. We get on with life as I have no choice lol. I hope you can talk to him and maybe he is depressed too?

He's slowly killing himself.
YANBU.

I think it is definitely him who must leave. Problem is getting him to do that. Would he leave voluntarily do you think? His mum (your son's minder I think) sounds like a decent woman. Would she take him on?

I mean how do you get the person out if they refuse to go? I wouldn't be able to live with him. You've tried your best.

Tell him to move out to his mums until he can sort himself out! Tell him it’s not the end of your relationship but you can no longer live like this! Is his mum willing to be stern with him? I’m not one for these weight loss jabs but At 5”9 and 27stone surely it’s in his best interest, He’s going to die early.

I am very sympathetic to people with weight problems and at his level it sounds like a mental health issue... however, I'm also sympathetic to people in your situation and if he won't help himself then maybe you need to do what you have to do to help yourself, and your child. It would be hard enough if your child had no additional needs but as it is, you are a finite resource and your son needs you.

my dh is normally around 21 st, not changed much at all the whole 20 years I have known him, occasionally loses a bit, then gains it back.

It sounds like you do want to stay with him but only if he changes. It's common for people to want other people to change but not to really think about changing themselves.

You can't change him but you can change yourself. You should focus on that because actually it's you who needs to change.

There is no benefit for you staying with this lazy waste of space. He's killing himself through his own choice and is just a burden on you. You and your child are better off, both financially and emotionally, getting rid of him and getting on with your lives.

sounds like her dh was ... also autistic. Honestly I see it everywhere now after it coming into my own life so abruptly and realising my dh is after our 2 kids got diagnosed. He seemed to just mask before I think so I had no idea thought was just quiet and funny etc.

At 35, that’s so young to be doing this to your own body.
And I’m speaking from someone in a similar position to your DH in lots of ways. My diet isn’t always perfect, but I do my absolute best to look after myself in every way. Also, I wouldn’t want to waste that money.
He is stuck in a mindset now that you are his carer, and your DC’s carer. Any needs or desires are ignored whilst he is doing exactly what he wants.
If he is well enough to drive, then end this. Without meaning to sound rude, I don’t think he will notice much anyway. His primary relationship is with himself.
I doubt he would will change, he will just drive himself to an early death, sadly.
It is very sad but your life matters. You and your DC will be able to live a better life. Save yourself.

This sounds horrendous. You and your son need to get away from this man ASAP. LTB LTB LTB!!!

He would definitely qualify . It would be a sensible thing for him to ask about.

Please kick him out and change the locks. Where he goes is not your problem. Put your son and yourself first from now on!

If someone tried to jump off a bridge to end their life and failed but ended up paralysed, should they be left on the street?

What about some whose life changing injury occurred whilst doing extreme sports just for the thrill?

Or someone who fell down stairs whilst drunk?

Equally self inflicted.

Throw him out. Do it for both of you.
His life is too comfortable for him. He's not going to change until something forces his hand.