Should I tell DH what to get me for my birthday?

[ToddlerMumma]

I have a big birthday coming up. I’ve organised party, family get together, all logistics blah blah
DH has asked me (less than a week to go) what I want. I’ve said I want a surprise. What I REALLY want is a thoughtful, considered present. He’s asked me to pick and order what I want and he’ll wrap it. I’ve refused and said I want a thoughtful present. My friend says I’m being unreasonable and I should give him a list of options. I just don’t want to add my own birthday present to my huge list of life admin. Am I being unfair?

Kindly, I think you are being unreasonable. You could give him a few options and you might get something you actually want. You can leave him to figure it out for himself and you may or may not be disappointed. Realistically, its not a huge effort to say what you'd like. The birthday life admin argument is bull. This is about your relationship and the imbalance of physical, emotional and mental effort you both put in. You need to address that imbalance and the resentment it is causing but better to do it with a nice birthday gift than a shit one.

Thank you all for your feedback. It seems I am indeed being unreasonable. To clarify, he does know the shop i’ve requested vouchers from my friends, he could just get those. He has asked me to think of, source, order and have delivered what I want then he will wrap it. Quite frankly, I’d rather get nothing from him and have one less chore on my list!

Are you easy to buy for? Do you have a favour brand of perfume or skin care? Do you have a collection of designer bags? Is it easy to look around your bedroom and see what is low/what you’d like? If you’re not easy to buy for, I think YABU.

I’m not easy to buy for. I know I’m not and even things I’ve liked previously I don’t necessarily want again. So I ask for what I want and I send links because if I said ‘brown leather boots’ I can guarantee he’d pick a pair I thought were hideous! He wouldn’t think they were hideous though which is the problem.

He can fucking order it though! You’ve said you want a surprise but also a thoughtful, lovely gift. You’re setting him up to fail. You’re (rightly) pissed off that you’ve done all the admin for your own birthday (because he is capable of arranging a family get together and a meal even if he has to ask you which restaurant you fancy, because that can change) and think he should redeem himself with a gift. But all you’re doing is setting him to fail and you to not get what you what actually want for your birthday. Everyone is going to be pissed off and you’ll have ruined your birthday. Give him 3 or 4 different options of what you’d genuinely like. It’s still a surprise. He orders it and wraps it. You tell him you feel under appreciated for your birthday doing all the admin yourself so you’d like a bit of a fuss made, maybe some decorations, or breakfast in bed or a cake made for you. If he can’t manage that - he’s a waste of space.

I think giving a list of ideas (with links if something too generic would be a disaster), but asking you to source and buy it is taking the piss.

Eg I could ask for something for the garden and clip some images of arbours/furniture. Or images of jewellery.

I had this out with my DH about 5 years into our relationship that having no clue and putting in no effort told me I couldn’t be bothered to take an interest in me and that was very hurtful.

25 years on it’s more difficult for both of us but we can usually find something that shows thought.

Buy diamonds 😉

I’d tell him what I’d like, and also tell him to order it himself!

Has he asked you all of that or has he just asked what you want? Has he said: what do you want, where do I get it from it, how do I order it and how do I get it delivered? And according to your hyperbole… and where do I get wrapping paper and how do I wrap it?

No he hasn’t. Unless you have married a literal incompetent?

Ask for nothing then if you’re going to be this silly and dramatic and martyrise.

He asked what you wanted for your birthday. You’ve just going off on one about how crap he is.

I am female but really struggle to buy "thoughtful" presents. Being told to do that would be one of my worst nightmares. The more thought I give it, the more bizzare my thought processes get!!

I like some clue.

Are you tired?

he asked me to pick, order and have delivered what I want. Then he’d wrap it. He’d probably have to ask me where the wrapping paper is though 😆 I’ve never said he’s crap, just that I don’t want to order my own birthday present!

I usually keep a list on my phone of things I spot but don’t want to buy for myself or want to wait to purchase. Makes for a very handy present list without the mental load, as I just add things on as and when I see things I like.

If anything it makes my life easier as I then give it to DP who circulates it around family and ask them to report to him what they’re buying to ensure no duplicates. Means I always get things I’ve been really after without me having to do the work!

sometimes I will just say “a nice bracelet” etc if I know they’ll pick something I’d love from that prompt, other times i’ll say “this exact thing” with a link. I usually have to caveat that my mother doesn’t get any items which have an element of choice in as she usually picks what she likes 🤣

Yes I am. Of ingratitude. You’d honestly rather not have anything? Well don’t then.

Buy what you want and he pays you or send him the exact links and.size. So much nicer to get what you want and not a pile of crap! Also it makes your whole birthday better!

Not everyone has the capabilities of gift buying, unless it's a person who is easy to buy for.

I agree with this. I really only know a handful of people that I could buy a "thoughtful" gift for because I don't know what other people already have.

I think it isn't very nice to deliberately set someone up to fail.

Be careful what you wish for.

I got a Scalextric set for my 40th because that’s what DH thought I’d like.

Honestly, yes. I’d rather get nothing than have to do it myself.

Yes, but surely you'd know what your husband had? And maybe picked up what he liked in the years you'd been loving him and living with him?

I know exactly this frustration OP. Love a surprise. It doesn’t feel much to ask given you’ve done everything else. However - as others have said - perhaps you can’t get away with zero pointers. I usually direct to a jewellery brand or two that I really like, where there’s a specific style and almost no choice is bad (Alex Monroe for example) and suggest that my sister, or children, might be able to help choose from a shortlist…then there’s an element of surprise and safety!

I just buy what I want and then tell my husband he owes me £300. He would buy me such crap if I left it up to him.

I’m not sure I understand how I’m setting him up to fail? He knows the shop/vouchers I’ve asked friends for. He’s lived with me for donkeys years. Is it really too much to ask to not have to source my own present? This is a big birthday. I’ve organised the party venue, food, invitations, drinks etc etc. this is the one thing I don’t want to be responsible for

He is completely taking the piss asking you to order it and get it delivered. I would give him some ideas, but that is as far as it would go, he needs to make a bit of an effort, especially for a big birthday.

It's Mumsnet though, so you're not allowed to celebrate your birthday and expect to be treated when you are an adult...

I do with DH, but he isn't very good at gift buying. He knows what little things I like, but if I wanted a specific main gift he would struggle. Also, if I wanted something specific I would want to choose it myself anyway.

To be fair, he isn't very observant and he has cognitive and memory issues.

Yes, absolutely.
Why the hell not? 😳

So do I, but I got fingers burned once in the first year of our marriage, with a terrible present. Which I returned, and made it clear that I’d done so.
I’m lucky to have a summer birthday, and Christmas is obvs in winter, so what I do is, throughout the year, when I see something I would like, such as a book or a picture or a perfume, I send a link to my husband. By the time it gets to my birthday, he’s got about six links maybe and it’s the same at Christmas, and he usually chooses two or three of those things, which by that time I’ve completely forgotten about and he adds a couple of bits from a local record shop or something. Because I show him the things that I really want, it’s given him a good idea of what I love and now he chooses me thoughtful things that often cost little to nothing from secondhand shops (like a lovely old book or final record for example). I was annoyed when I first found I had to suggest presents to him, but it has worked out really well over the past couple of decades. (We have joint finances, and I earn twice as much as him, so I’m not that keen on him spending a fortune on me from our joint account 🤣)

I TOTALLY get it - I really really do, but instead of using his eyes/observation skills to see either my favourite perfume is running low, or that my mini greenhouse did not survive one of the winter storms and I could do with a replacement for either, for my recent birthday I got an (albeit lovely and undoubtedly expensive) blanket and candle.
To get anything near what I would like for Xmas/Birthday I've learnt I need to send him an Amazon link.

I think you should tell him what you want or ask for a voucher from your favourite shop. I hate waste and disappointment so I always send my partner links to things I would like, he also knows what flowers, chocolates I like so it usually works out well. He does get me a nice Moonpig card with photos of us and the kids. That might be an idea, a card or photo book, something he has to put a bit of thought into and that you can keep.