Should I tell DH what to get me for my birthday?

[ToddlerMumma]

I have a big birthday coming up. I’ve organised party, family get together, all logistics blah blah
DH has asked me (less than a week to go) what I want. I’ve said I want a surprise. What I REALLY want is a thoughtful, considered present. He’s asked me to pick and order what I want and he’ll wrap it. I’ve refused and said I want a thoughtful present. My friend says I’m being unreasonable and I should give him a list of options. I just don’t want to add my own birthday present to my huge list of life admin. Am I being unfair?

Is it your first day on earth? A big birthday is 30, 40, 50, etc.

and come on, women are allowed to celebrate themselves and their own birthdays! Nothing wrong with that.

We use a app called family gift and throughout the year we all add things we'd love. It takes all the stress out and admin. My dh is fully capable of sourcing whatever it is himself and will do add on surprises but it takes the anxiety out of getting the main present wrong. Still leaves a element of surprise because I don't know which item I'll be getting.
Left to his own devices he thinks it needs to be some ground breaking romantic gesture he puts so much pressure on himself talks himself out of lovely gifts because they are not enough so he panic buys 🙈 I know he cares by how he is all year round but I don't want him to be stressed.

I hear you. It's my birthday tomorrow and I am fed up of the emotional labour and just want something that has thought put into it, and isn't a last minute 'I suppose I should go out and get you a gift'.

DH is a crap present buyer, always has been- I don't care what he gets, just that it has been thoughtful. He isn't like this the rest of the year- just makes me sad that he can't be bothered when I know he would be disappointed if I took the same approach.

I couldn't decide how to vote - on one hand I totally get how you're feeling. Are you BU to want him to put some thought and effort into spoiling you for your big birthday? Of course not!
BUT Are you BU to expect this particular man to succeed at this particular task in the remaining time left? Of course you are! There's a 100% chance you'll end up disappointed and angry at him if you carry on.
If I were you I'd ask him to plan, pay for and carry out an experience like a really fancy dinner where he organises the babysitter, books the restaurant, gets dressed up, orders the taxi and then takes you to a couples' massage afterwards. I'd also be reading him the riot act about how he better not try to weasel out of it and make it your job. I hope you have a fabulous birthday.

Right, but what you do is not relevant here, as the OP doesn’t want to do this…

YABU giving no guidance, YANBU expecting him to do the admin around procurement of the gift - that’s just lazy on his part!

Firstly I'm going to point out the obvious in saying that nobody is under obligation to have big celebratory birthday parties.
In effect you have made work for yourself here unnecessarily.
It is perfectly socially acceptable to not do so.

Now you're complaining about him not knowing what to get, when it really doesn't matter.

Most controversially though, while I very strongly believe that a man should be able to provide his wife with a comfortable life, the truth is that if you're really into somebody, you don't care what they get you.
My all time best present was a bag of limes that my then boyfriend got me from a holiday.
This is not something I'd say in real life, only anonymously.

I think you know deep down OP that all this fussing and planning is to compensate for the fact that you don't particularly respect and fancy your dh anymore.
Just have a think about what I say here because in all honesty, if you did you wouldn't care what he got.

You just see him as a little boy you have to manage.
There's no judgement when I say this, BTW.

I'm so glad I'm not in a relationship where there's this absolute charade around gifts and where the perceived thought and effort that's gone into a present is some sort of litmus test for how much we love each other.

I don't think it's actually possible to get an A+ gift for the same adult, twice a year, every year for decades. I think DH and I have probably got each other the "perfect gift" maybe 2-3 times each in 14 years. And the gifts that went down best were not the ones I spent time researching and planned in advance (ultimately overthought), nor the most expensive ones - they were actually the most off-the-cuff, weird ones (a cushion shaped like a sandwich) that made him laugh in the moment and that he still uses after a decade.

All this is exacerbated by the fact that, as adults with our own incomes, both of us just buy what we want. If I can't afford something then neither can he, as we have similar incomes. This is especially the case if it's related to any of my proper interests - I'm on top of every new product, event and consumer item imaginable already. And anything wearable is out, because I need to try things on first.

So the ideal gift is in that sweet spot of something that I really need or would really like, but I don't know it yet. There's not much there.

Which is why we agreed not to do "big" gifts and instead just take each other out to fancy restaurants for birthdays - that's something that will never get old.

(If I asked someone what they wanted for their birthday and they said "something thoughtful" in that accusatory, pass-agg, setting me up to fail manner of the OP, I would be so bloody annoyed with them.)

What a load of crap @QuintadosMalvados

I respect and fancy my DH

I still like to get thoughtful presents on my birthday from the people I love, and I give those people thoughtful presents as well.

A bag of limes could be a great present if it meant something eg you had your first kiss under a lime tree or whatever. If it’s “I was at the supermarket and decided to get you some limes cos they were on offer” - not so much!

OP, YANBU.

He'll surely disappoint you, and then after all the effort you've made for your big birthday, you'll be upset on the day! Maybe suggest he talks to some of your best friends so he can brainstorm with them, and they can veto the crap ideas he might come up with?

I would let them kids choose something for you otherwise they have actually had zero input and it's not from them at all. I could always accept mad randomness from the kids.

My husband's present buying skills are somewhat uneven. I have a big birthday this year so I'm choosing. Most years I leave it up to him and enjoy trying to work out what his thought process might have been.

Agree.
I think the litmus test thing is a sort of compensatory proxy for when somebody no longer feels attraction any more.
The less attracted the more weight is put on things like presents.

I was so enamoured with the boyfriend who got me the limes from Spain that I was delighted by them.
Probably more than a £100 bottle of scent from duty free by a guy I liked less.
Just being honest.

OP talks about her dh as if he's 12. No judgement on this, maybe he is a wet lettuce and she's right to feel that way.

Well what woman would be attracted to that?

I always do, otherwise it would be rubbish and I wouldn’t want it!

As an adult, I’m sure he won’t mind if you sent him a link of what you actually do want.

I send my husband a link to my favourite item of jewellery. Luckily there’s a shop near us that handmakes beautiful items. Did this for my 70th last year and was delighted with my necklace.

Better to do this than feel disappointed!

Maybe split the difference, ask him to suggest a few things and you pick.

You like to get them is very, very different from it being a deal breaker or you or actually ruminating over it, though.

In other words you're not going to be particularly upset if you don't get what you want - or are you? - so it's not crap at all.

If for example you didn't get a particularly thoughtful gift, you wouldn't be that put out by it.

And of course the gift is wrapped up with how you feel about the giver and the circumstances of the time.
This is obvious.

If you're dissatisfied with the relationship, nothing they'll get will be quite right.

Yep, it’s a load of crap.

There’s a big difference between “not quite right” and “order your own gift, sweetie, and give it to me to wrap” which is where the OP is. That’s hardly showing a lot of respect from her partner to her, is it?

Yes - or it's compensatory because someone doesn't feel loved or cherished for the other 364 days of the year. So disproportionate importance is put on the big days. If your default feeling in a relationship is that you feel loved and cherished then it kind of doesn't matter what happens on your birthday.

This is also true.

Totally NBU. You've already had to do the planning etc for your OWN bday.. and now the gift too. Terrible. Im in the same boat every year. He needs take a look around your house to see what you have/ like eg jewellery, perfume etc and then plan around that. No difficult. But my DH is the same as yours. Sigh

Absolutely this. When my ExDp asked what I wanted/wanted to do my answer was always 'not to have to decide'. At that point, I was making almost every other decision, what to eat, where to go, what to do. Someone else can do my birthday.

If this is a gift for a big birthday give him a detailed list of things you'd be happy to receive. Unless he's a mind reader theres a huge capacity for disaster.

Without help he might get it right, then again he mightn't and you'll be disappointed on your big day.

Yeah it's not so much about the present itself. That's not really the issue, so what he might get it wrong.
It's more the fact that she describes him as being a manchild who can't sort anything out.

I mean if the OP had a far less stressful life with him on a day-to-day basis, would she even be that bothered by what he got her?

Buy yourself a holiday away for two weeks without him. Make a gift voucher and make him give it to you in front of everyone at the party so you can read it out. The voucher should read, “My beautiful wife, you are far too good for me. You work so hard and you thoroughly deserve this fortnight at a 5 star spa in Thailand. I’ll take care of everything at home. Just go and have the most wonderful time. All my love, Bob’.