Should I tell DH what to get me for my birthday?

[ToddlerMumma]

I have a big birthday coming up. I’ve organised party, family get together, all logistics blah blah
DH has asked me (less than a week to go) what I want. I’ve said I want a surprise. What I REALLY want is a thoughtful, considered present. He’s asked me to pick and order what I want and he’ll wrap it. I’ve refused and said I want a thoughtful present. My friend says I’m being unreasonable and I should give him a list of options. I just don’t want to add my own birthday present to my huge list of life admin. Am I being unfair?

No, I wouldn’t tell him what I want. My OH is not good at presents but he’s genuinely wonderful in basically every other way. I navigate this by telling him where I want to go (ie a nice restaurant) for my birthday but we don’t do presents. Or I suggest something for the house which is a bit of a splurge and we go and get it together. Obviously I’ve still told him what I want but I can’t bear to open a gift I’ve chosen for myself, it’s just ridiculous. So instead I tell him where I want to go and he books it. I’ve got too much stuff anyway.

Just to add - we have shared finances so if I have to choose it myself I’d genuinely prefer just to buy it for myself rather than pretend it’s a gift.

Me too. Terrible gift buyer here...find it really stressful.

I was going to say you will get something shit. But having read the full thread I think I’d tell him and then message to him so he cannot deny it ‘I have told you what I would like for my birthday. I did ask for vouchers from x. I haven’t time to choose what I want from there before Saturday but I want to go shopping there. If you don’t like that plan your gift had better be amazing, as if it’s thoughtless and I don’t like it, I will get my own gift, from the shop I wanted it from, and tell people I just got my own present as you said no. Also I would like you to do x as prep for the party. If you have literally put no thought or effort or time into my birthday and it’s 100% planned and organised by me including my present that you want to say is from you then I don’t think you should come to my party. A husband who puts zero effort in doesn’t get any husband invite or recognition, I’ll just explain to my friends why I asked you not to come.’

She has asked for vouchers. Literally the lowest effort thing you could ask for. He wants even less effort, but also for it to look like he’s amazing, so he’s told her she has to choose something from the shop not get vouchers. She has to order it and he will say he gave it to her. Zero effort husband, he’s pathetic.

My husband and I have one bank account so rubbish gifts are double the fail. We just buy ourselves presents if we want something. And we take the kids shopping to pick out stuff for each other - their gifts are usually hilarious but we don’t give them much money so that’s fine. No reason to spend our shared money on something for one of us we might not want.

I thought that the question was whether you should tell him what you’d like, I didn’t realise that buying your own gift was part of this too.

no - that’s unacceptably lazy and I would just give him the list/send him links and tell him that part of the reason it’s a gift is because someone has gone through the process of sourcing it for you.

I was going to vote YABU until I realised that he wants you to order it too

I think asking for suggestions is fine- asking you to organise your own gift is not. YANBU

Bring him to the jewellers/shoe shop/clothes shop. Choose something lovely. He buys it. Shop wraps it. He gives it to you on your birthday. Everyone is happy.

@ToddlerMumma fine to do it your way, but you’ll have to happily accept whatever he feels is ‘thoughtful’. It’s definitely a gamble! I’d much rather have something I want and know that no money has been wasted on tat.

Yes!!!!

If you have to tell him what to buy, it's not a gift, it's just something else on your to do list/mental load for you to deal with, like you say. Plus if you go this way, in his mind, he got you a lovely gift for your birthday, when it's nothing of the sort.

But obviously, if it's anything you have to use, wear or look at, you probably do want to choose it yourself or else you'll likely have to put up with something that's not right. So I don't see the point of giving these sorts of things as gifts.

Which leaves asking him to get something small and thoughtful, that shows that he knows you and what you like. Gifts don't have to be expensive to be worthwhile and it's often a lot better if they're not, because then you don't have the worry of the money being wasted.

Ask for the vouchers to add to your stash and also make sure you take the time to make a day of the experience, with a nice lunch and either someone to go with or if you prefer, time to do it alone so you have time to browse in peace without having to think about anyone else's needs. Remember it's your birthday so you get to choose, don't have him say 'that's not a proper gift'. He can also get you a token consumable, whatever you like chocolates, cheese, coffee, tea, gin, whatever.

Tell the poor man what you want. Some people just aren't good at gift choosing and it's not a measure of his love for you.

Edit to say I didn't see that he also wanted you to order it! That bit YANBU on.

Or of laziness or couldn't be bothered either. Some people just aren't observant about other people and are genuinely flummoxed when it comes to gift buying.

But some people either aren't open about what they want, or prefer to choose it themselves when they need it or see it at a good price.

You can be the most observant person in the world, but you won't know what someone wants/needs if they've not given any indication of those things that they haven't yet bought.

DP knows I like swimming, hiking, books, food and travel but the things I want to related to those things either need to be tried on, need to have the right features or for books, be ones I haven't read, but in reality, I only read on Kindle and only buy them when they're 99p because I've got loads of unread books, so a book in another form is an annoyance not a nice gift. I've already got dozens of cookbooks and 'coffee table books' that I rarely look at and are thinking of culling, so another one of those wouldn't be welcome.

But if I want, for example, some new hiking boots, it's a lot easier for me to just buy them when I need them and the place I buy them from is having a sale rather than me send him a link so we can go through a charade of him getting them for my birthday and them costing £50 more because the sale has finished.

But he does remember that I like florentines, so I'm perfectly happy if he buys me a box of those, especially from M&S because they come in the nicest box.

I agree with this. If I wanted something specific I would also want to get it myself. DH knows that I love florentines, jelly babies, shortbread, gin and sherry, so he would buy things like that as a surprise.

I'm surprised by the responses.

DH and I manage to choose a birthday present for each other every year without a list or being told exactly what to get.

It would be hard to choose a thoughtful present for a stranger but, as we are married and live together, we know each other quite well!

Over the years, it has increasingly become more often an evening out of some description - theatre, gig, etc - as we have the material things we want.

I don't see the point of telling someone exactly what to buy, might as well just buy it for yourself. The whole point is being surprised.

What is he normally like for your birthday and Christmas? Does he usually buy you something and wrap it up? I think part of the fact you may have drawn the line here is because it is a big birthday and you have lots of stuff to do for entertaining. Why not ask for his help with that? I get why you are frustrated but it honestly sounds like you maybe do most of the life admin and haven’t sourced any of it to him so he has got used to a free ride. That would bother me more. My husband is great at presents usually because he only has to think about me whereas I do everyone else. Even then though I usually have a wish list I share with him.

Most men do need a push so I would start to offload some of your life admin for everything not just the birthday party etc and send him a link to what you would like whether it is vouchers or whatever.

We used the Giftster app at Christmas within the family and it worked really well, everyone could put a range of things from a couple of quid to more substantial items. You can see when a gift has been purchased on someone else’s list to avoid duplications but not your own so there is an element of surprise.

My DH bought me a beautiful bracelet for a significant birthday this year when we were on holiday before Christmas. I chose it but it has been hidden since then and he will wrap it for me. Can’t wait to be able to wear it! 😆

I always tell my husband exactly what I want, but I leave the specifics to him. So - I wanted a gold ring with a smallish coloured stone. Something very simple. He got me something I did NOT have in mind but it fits the brief perfectly and I love it! I'm actually wearing it as my engagement ring at the moment as my finger is currently too fat for my actual engagement ring. I have told him so often that I love it that I am secretly hoping he will get me another one in a different colour for my next birthday, so that I can stack them. (And the birthday after that!)

He stresses so much about getting the perfect gift that without the guidance he wouldn't get anything until the last minute, and then he would throw money at it (which he doesn't really have) and it would be horrible. Then he would know that it wasn't what I like and he would be upset. So a triple whammy, he would be broke, I wouldn't like it, he would be upset. For me, it's a no-brainer to give him a really good idea of what I would like.

No you shouldn’t. That’s rude. Be grateful for what you receive. I personally don’t like stuff for birthdays, rather have an adventure, experience.

What do you mean by a big birthday? Every year you are blessed to still be here. You sound like you love to be the centre of attention.

I’m not against dropping a subtle hint here or there if necessary, but what is the actual point of ‘He’s asked me to pick and order what I want and he’ll wrap it.’

Where’s the thoughtfulness here? My husband makes huge efforts to think of gifts I’ll love which he can surprise me with. Being expected to order your own gifts because your partner doesn’t care enough to bother would be the death knell.

Did you even read the OP?

Vouchers are not thoughtful.

You know exactly what you're doing.

Christ, the bar for some men is so fucking low, a snake could limbo underneath it.

YANBU to expect your husband to know you well enough to pick out a thoughtful gift for you that you will like.

And all the posters saying YABU need to have a good hard look at themselves.

Out of interest, what do you do for his birthdays? Do you do all the organising there? Buy gifts? Or does he give you a list of what he’d like?

Could you look at making things a little fairer? Or leaving him?!