Should I tell DH what to get me for my birthday?

[ToddlerMumma]

I have a big birthday coming up. I’ve organised party, family get together, all logistics blah blah
DH has asked me (less than a week to go) what I want. I’ve said I want a surprise. What I REALLY want is a thoughtful, considered present. He’s asked me to pick and order what I want and he’ll wrap it. I’ve refused and said I want a thoughtful present. My friend says I’m being unreasonable and I should give him a list of options. I just don’t want to add my own birthday present to my huge list of life admin. Am I being unfair?

I understand but if you don't give ideas you will not get what you consider a thoughtful gift! Speaking from experience.

Are you 12?! I always tell my husband what I want, with links if needed! If not I will get a load of absolute crap like pretty notebooks, make up bags and boxes of chocolate.

Ouch!

Yanbu, I only tell my partner what I want for a gift if there's something particular I want - e.g. a specific bag in a particular colour. The rest of the time he's perfectly capable to use his brain to come up with gift ideas based on what he knows I like and don't already have.

You have done EVERYTHING for your birthday, he's a spare fucking wheel. What is the point of him?!

You’re setting him up to fail here. Just tell him what you want. Give him a list of ideas. Don’t be a knob.

Maybe just ask him to get you something from your favourite shop?

I hear you. But I do 100% thinking/planning for the family. I really don’t want to think about this one. I’ve told him what to get me from the kids. I just want a bit more thought behind his present

Ouch!

Tell him exactly what you want. He buys and wraps it. Job done

You've set him up to fail. Unless he is particularly observant and knows your tastes style and sizes he's not going to get the perfect gift. Give the guy a break. Compile a list of stuff you fancy and tell him to pick a couple. You know it makes sense. 😏

I think YABU. Ask him the budget then think of something you want in the budget. My birthday is next week and I’ve asked my husband ages ago for a massage (which I know he has booked at a fancy spa). It’s not a surprise but I will get exactly what I want :)

Can you afford all the little/medium treats you want? We can’t so I always have a list and I love for my DH to get me something from that plus an affordable surprise. Sometimes the surprise just doesn’t hit right and I’d hate for there to be lots of wasted money

I am female and terrible at gift buying. I procrastinate and then panic buy. I've never been able to do thoughtful. Not everyone has the capabilities of gift buying, unless it's a person who is easy to buy for. It's worse when the budget is bigger. If you don't give a list of options, don't complain, unless it's something like supermarket chocolate etc. Give him a few ideas.

Sure - but that means you have to accept that you might not like his choice of present. He will undoubtedly put thought into it, but it might just not be thought in the same direction you wanted. If you're happy with that, then fine.

IME it's very hard to come up with a genuinely thoughtful surprise that the recipient will love (as opposed to saying they love it).

If you read posts on MN, men are capable of giving a lot of thought and consideration and still getting it wrong. I think you should give him some ideas.

However well he knows you, he is not a mindreader, and you are setting him up for failure and yourself for disappointment.

I always tell my DH what I want. I don’t need to make him jump through hoops and pass tests to know he cares.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to order it yourself etc but honestly? If you don’t give him some clues you won’t get something you’re happy with in my experience.
my ex husband asked for a list every birthday and Christmas for him to choose from. I hated doing it but if I didn’t I got stuff that really wasn’t my thing

some friends have asked what I’d like and I’ve said vouchers from a particular shop so I can have a spree. He could just get me vouchers for that shop! It’s the fact he wants me to sort it for him that is so annoying

Unless he’s a mind reader it’s really daft to leave it to chance. He asked you. You declined to define what it was. If you get something that is not to your liking then who is it blame… it’s the person who asked and had a fairytale notion of him magically knowing what fits the bill. Don’t set people up to fail, it’s crap.

Wants him to sort it for you or actually wants you to buy you what you want? Poor man! How dreadful of him to ask what you want? Sheesh. Can’t do right for doing wrong.

Every once in a while my husband just wows my socks off with a surprise gift. I don’t expect him to pull that off for every gift, multiple times a year, year after year, decade after decade. It’s just not reasonable when we are lucky enough to afford to buy things for ourselves when we want them.

so yes, I will happily give him suggestions. I aim for things I feel a bit guilty buying for myself. I trust that he will surprise me often enough.

So you've told your friends you are happy with vouchers (rather than also asking for surprises), and you would be happy with vouchers from your DH ... but you don't want to tell him that because it's too much "life admin"?

This sounds like you are giving him a stressful test to make him prove something.

What you want is for him to know and notice you and buy a gift that is perfect - a surprise that you’d like.

but by the sounds of it he just isn’t that kind of bloke.

if you said I’d like a silver necklace - he’s probably take you literally and buy one for £20 from Argos - when you heart is in a beautiful bespoke piece from an independent jewellers.

some people are good at presents - some are not. I am very fortunate that my husband notices things I like and gets really thoughtful gifts for me.

but if there was something very specific - I would ask him for it - I love drawing with oil pastels - but he wouldn’t know the difference between some kids ones from the works and artist quality ones I use. So if I wanted them and wanted to not be disappointed - I would tell him - please get me this brand from this shop. He would be delighted to get me what I wanted.

it’s really hard when you want him to ‘get it’ and to know what to buy you - but I think if you say get me a surprise - you are very likely to be very disappointed as he sounds like he won’t have a clue.

Just tell him what you’d like - it’s hardly ‘life admin’ to say I want this from this shop.’

or say nothing - ask for a surprise but be realistic and expect to be disappointed as present buying obviously is not his thing.

I don't see why you can't give him some suggestions and then say to surprise you with something off the list.
I agree with others that what you want as a thoughtful considerate present isn't what he would necessarily pick.
What if he got you a joke/novelty type gift and then said it reminded him of you and gave an example of a time where you weren't at your best or It portrayed a negative character flaw? It would be thoughtful as it would be personal but unlikely you would appreciate it.

It's much easier to tell someone what you would like and send them a link to it. Then you get the thing you want.

Telling him 'surprise me' or 'something thoughtful' is a bloody recipe for disaster. Unless he's Dynamo, Psychic Magician then you are likely to get a present you don't want, or something that you never thought of in a million years.

My youngest son tends to buy me flowers, candles, Prosecco (on the belief that this is what women like). I don't like candles and I don't really drink. My eldest son once bought me a flying lesson - despite the fact that I am claustrophobic and hate the idea of small planes. When asked why he vaguely said 'he thought it was different'.

I'm not suggesting all men are like this - but I think challenging anyone of either sex to 'guess what I'm thinking of' is a sure fire way to disappointment and making both parties feel cross with each other.