To go without her?

[ThreeGirl]

I booked a theatre trip next weekend with SD11. SD14 (who we rarely see and has never expressed an interest in theatre) is now upset she’s not going. DH has suggested I reschedule so she can come. AIBU not to?

This

I would say, reasonably, that previous invites you have sent over haven't been responded to. The plans this time can't be changed but in future if she'd like to go to the theatre you will of course invite her but please can she reply to your messages.

She once won a swimming gala and her reward was taking three friends to Thorpe Park.

So was SD11 not told about this trip and not invited?

She knew about it because we planned it at home, but she wasn’t invited.

Did you take her and her friends? Or was her Dad there also?

No, it was me, SD14 and three of her friends.

We’ve got a big family and not everything has to be a whole family event.

I agree. I was just going to say that if ut wasn't actually just you then it's not really comparable.

I know everything doesn't have to be a big family event. I don't know why you've come here anyway as you feel what you did was right so what does it matter whag people on the Internet not living your life and with very little insight think.

So she asked to come and she wasn’t allowed?

There was never any question of her going because it was SD14’s reward day for winning her gala.

Because DH asked me to reschedule, and this is the first time SD14 has shown any interest in doing anything with me in ages, which made me doubt myself. I don’t think it’d be fair to SD11 to invite SD14, but I do worry this will be held against me by SD14…

The responses are fairly split but the majority of people think IANBU which is reassuring.

I think this is the issue.

Its fine to do things separately (I actually think it’s important) but when SD14 had her treat, SD11 was well aware of it and understood why she wasn’t invited.

SD14 wasn’t there when it was being planned and so all she knew was that it was a trip out and she hadn’t been invited.

I’d just message her and explain that it’s a treat for SD11.

FWIW my sister faces this a lot.
Her DD16 lives with her FT but her DD14 doesn’t and only chooses to come around a couple of times a month.
DD14 is always doing things with their dad and DD16 isn’t invited as he’s NC with her but if my sister takes DD16 anywhere then DD14 gets very upset and feels left out.

This sounds like a similar situation to your sister’s.

Prev posters have said SC don’t have any choice in their stepfamilies but once they’re teens they do: SD14 chooses not to come here often, she chooses not to stay over, she chose to give up swimming and music, she chooses to ignore my messages. That’s all fine and I don’t hold it against her, but the consequence is that she’s less involved in our lives.

It’s a reward for a specific achievement so it’s quite simple. The other child doesn’t get the reward. Just make sure you’d offer her a similar reward for an achievement. I do think I’d talk to her about the rudeness of frequently ignoring adults messaging her though.

You are a step mum and they invariably get hammered on here.
We all know 14 year old girls can be emotional and stroppy, like boys, their brains are mashed up and trying to sort it all out. [I've had 3 and 4 respectively so have a lot of experienceof hormonal teens]😄 They don't think like young children but can't think like an young adult either.
Do the arrangement as planned, then when you do something else ask SD 14 if she would like to go with you. If she doesn't respond by a certain date [ you need to know to book tickets etc] then she can't go.
Sounds like FOMO imo, but may be she thinks you favour her sister in some way. Not saying you do but as I said previously, the mere slight can throw things out of proportion.

OP step parents get a hard time on here. 14 is old enough for her to understand how life works. It sounds like she doesn't like you and is happy to let you know it. If she doesn't respond to your messages and invitations it's understandable they'd stop coming. Just say it's a reward for younger SD doing well in her exam so it's just the two of you this time.

Then just take the SD12 as it is her treat and tell older one that you will take her for an equivalent treat if/when she passes a similar exam/has an achievement. What older SD is doing is shoehorning herself into a gift that is specifically intended for her sister - and gift her behaviour is tarnishing- whereas she and DH are framing it as a family thing she is being excluded from. Tell DH to grow up and take his older DD out for a pizza that day if it bothers him so much. Suggest he reads about sibling rivalry too.

The trouble is with teens, they need to feel like they’re wanted and feel really rejected easily.

You could have asked her and she probably wouldn’t want to have gone but because she feels left out she’s upset over it.

As long as usually she’s always invited to everything, then that’s fine.

Just give her a message and say this is what SD11 wanted to do for her treat and that you can book another one to all go together.

If it’s something that she’s desperate to go to and may not have another chance, then I’d take them both and do something else with just SD11 a different time.
But if it’s nothing that special then it’s fine to do things separately.

You booked this with SD11 for reasons you have explained. If the other SD wants to come, can’t you book a ticket for her as well? Or DH can take her if he thinks she should go. I think personally I’d just take SD11 and tell the other one you’ll count her in next time.

The responses are fairly split but the majority of people think IANBU which is reassuring.

They probably haven't read your previous threads.

If he thinks she should go to the show he can take her himself when it suits him. This is a trip for you and the younger girl.

FAFO at its finest.

SD11 treats you like a person, you build a relationship that you both enjoy. It included you arranging treats.

SD14 treats you differently, doesn't try to built a relationship. She should expect to be left out.

Tell your DH to tell his older daughter to knock off the sulk - she's too old now to expect treats when she has no time for you otherwise. Don't rearrange - that would be unfair on SD11 and on you.

Typo edits

She's 14 not 4. She knows she's being rude and doesn't care. Sorry but bad manners =you miss out.
A learning curve for her..

Ignore the drama, she wants to make a thing out of it to make you look bad. She usually can’t be arsed to answer you so I wouldn’t be bothered. She’s old enough to know exactly what she’s doing.

She's a teenager, end of 😂
Reschedule if she wants to go, thats what I would do

given presumably younger SD didn't go with older SD to Thorpe park, and you won't be giving younger SD money if older SD does well in her mocks (personally I think giving money for mocks is insane, how are you going to up that for her real exams, but your choice), then to me it seems fair to make this trip just you and younger SD UNLESS younger SD wants her older sister there.

Otherwise the pattern seems to be = reward for older SD is just for her, reward for younger SD always has to be shared. Which isn't fair.

People getting sidetracked about the relationship between OP and older SD and how often older SD texts back is irrelevant. The test here is if you had 2 DDs would it be okay to do things individually with them. I imagine most families would say yes, as long as both were rewarded individually and not just always younger one being celebrated.