To go without her?

[ThreeGirl]

I booked a theatre trip next weekend with SD11. SD14 (who we rarely see and has never expressed an interest in theatre) is now upset she’s not going. DH has suggested I reschedule so she can come. AIBU not to?

Because you are the adult who has chosen to become part of her life and she is the child who has had no choice about your new presence in her family.

It was nasty of you to
leave her out.

But if it’s nothing that special, it’s not a reward.

Both SDs are welcome to come on all family days out we do. I message SD14 most weeks about something we have added to the calendar to see if she wants to come. She doesn’t reply! She didn’t come at Easter and she didn’t come to DS’s birthday party in March. Since starting year 9 she’s really cut off from our side of the family, but I think it’s mostly normal teen behaviour and her friends and boyfriend are what’s important right now.

I don’t think she has a specific issue with me, bur she’s always seen me as dad’s wife rather than as a stepmum. She was a bit older than SD11 when we met, and is very close to her mum. My door is always open but I’m not going to force a relationship she doesn’t want.

Yeah.... nope.
Sorry- but not arsing herself to answer would lead to me not bother to message in the first place.
Consequences and all that.

And she's old enough now to learn that, if you treat people who are not your patents this way, don't expect them to rush to include you in things.

OP - you aren't her mum, but you'll be teaching her a valuablr lesson by sticking to your plan. If your DH gets to to change your plan to.include her, he'll be teaching her a different one - that you can treat your SM with contempt all you like, and I'll still make sure she invludes you in Everything Nice.

OP, you sound like a decent human being to me, one who.is doing well as a SM.

As siblings grow older, they get to see that, while people would treat them the same when they were pre-teens, they now get treated differently, based on such factors as personality, interests, political beliefs, and their behaviour. SD14 is well old enough now to realise why she was left out; and if she doesn't, it's DH's job (and a very important one at this point) to point out to SD14 that she needs to up her game in terms of how she treats her SM, or lower her expectations.

If fact, I can'tnthink what is going through DH's head here that he hasn't fathomed this for himself and is instead trying to placate the sulky teen instead of doing the actions/consequences talk.

Maybe because you're an adult and suppose to act like one. That poor kid, think of the damage you're doing to her.

You forgot the rude spoilt little brat

It would appear - as others posters have mentioned, there’s something of a back story

i think ‘this is a treat for your sister for passing her exam, last time I asked you to something you didn’t reply? I won’t be rescheduling but I’m happy to book something for both of you another day, I had no idea you were interested. Why don’t you have a look and see what you might like to go to, tell us next time you’re over at ours’

and see if she gets off her bum.

If this is a treat for the younger one why the hell should the older one be going, what has she done to deserve the same reward as the younger one ?

This is what I said.

Hi X! Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine. SD11 and I are going to the show next week as a special treat because she passed her exam, but if you’d like to go to the theatre together just let me know. There’s a few shows I want to see over the summer or we could pick one together. Let’s chat about it soon? X

Their dad wouldn’t want to go to this particular show. They have older and younger siblings too. It’s unusual to find an activity that everyone likes equally and it’s very common for us to do things in smaller groups.

I’ve known them for eight years.

Of course you reschedule so she can go, I'm not sure why it's even a question.

Because the whole point is that it’s a treat for SD11, and she wants to go.

We have holidays and meals and days out as a family sometimes, and sometimes we focus on what an individual would like. I think it’s important that each of the children get 1 to 1 time sometimes.

I heartily disagree.

Of course she sticks to the original plan and ignores the teen sulk.

ETA that I totally agree with you on the 1-2-1 stuff.

We have several grandchildren who live locally, aged 10 - 16.

When they were younger it was all or none when we planned treat days out. Now they are older, they have different interests and weekend and activities and we mix and match.

None of them complain that HE went to the theatre and I didn't. They all get to do stuff they're interested in with us, and trust us to treat them fairly.

The idea that siblings in their teens should be considered a monolith is daft, and infantilises them. The idea that the SM here should ditch a good plan because a 14-y-o gets into a sulk about it teaches them that sulking, rather than working at relationships, is thecway to go.

I think you should just explain to the older child that you offered her sister a reward for her hard work, and she chose to go to the theatre which you both enjoy, so this time the treat is for her ONLY. However, if she would like to go with you next time you go, she should let you know, and you can talk about what sort of thing she would like to see.

The chances are of course, that she'll be awkward, and won't want to go another time, but you could perhaps offer her some sort of reward if she can improve on something, or does well with something soon, and make that a treat only for her. It might just help build a better relationship between the two of you.

Well maybe she learn you get outlay you put in to your relationships - harsh but she chooses not to reply etc or be present, how reasonable is it to show up for the good stuff only

Because she is a child and you are the adult and her step parent!! It’s your job to include her and be there for her even when she is pushing you away. Surely not that hard to understand. How would you be treating her if she was your biological child? How would you feel if your step parent had treated you and your sibling differently?

Have you posted before about how you are closer to the younger step-daughter?

I didn’t have stepparents but my own parents often took either me or one of my siblings away, either as a reward or just to spend time together. I do the same with my biological children too.

@ThreeGirl YANBU and shouldn't have to rearrange.

You are taking your DSD as a reward for doing well and it'll be nice to do something with just the two of you.

Perhaps your other DSD can choose a treat if she also does well at something?